Out With The Old, In With The New

As we begin the New Year, the Federal Government, while perhaps ill-prepared, has officially rolled out Obamacare.  With that in mind, I’d like to officially roll out my own program.  I’m going to call it O’Marty-don’t-care.  It’s not actually a new program; it’s just a formal acknowledgement of an old policy that has been in place since the days of My Bowling League.  O’Marty-don’t-care is short for several things, including; O’Marty-don’t-care if he tells the exact truth; O’Marty-don’t-care if he hurts your feelings; O’Marty-don’t-care if he posts an embarrassing picture of you; O’Marty-don’t-care if he makes fun of you; O’Marty-don’t-care if you think he’s insensitive; and most importantly, O’Marty-don’t-care to let his wife edit his blog anymore.

With that in mind, I’d like to say that one of the subs on my team, Mike Brown, has some breath that smells like nasty shit.  And by nasty shit, I’m talking nose-in-ass nasty.  When you point it out to him, which I often do, he plays dumb and blames it on the gyro he just burped up; or maybe it was the taco, or the garlic bread he ate.  He always has an excuse, yep; he’s got plenty of excuses.  What it appears he doesn't have plenty of, is toothpaste and mouthwash, either of which would likely solve his problem.  Hopefully, Santa and his elves put some of those things under his tree last week.

Mike Brown getting his annual dental checkup from Dr. DePaul’s assistant, Nada.

Speaking of elves, Mimi Miller of Bloated is the only player in the league that doesn’t have to bend down to pick up the bocce balls.  So, as you can see, there is at least one benefit to being 3’9” tall.

Among her many skills, Mimi can pull weeds faster than anyone I know.

Pete Lamb, of the 1-9 Compares, brought three guys to play bocce with him last time. He figured going stag would give his team an advantage over a co-ed opponent.  As usual, Pete was wrong.  No matter how hard he tries, his team continues to suck.  Pete went so far as to dig under a rock and find Rob O’Brien eating a bag of Cheetos and brought him along.  Hey Pete, FYI, if the rock says “lift to find the most out of shape person on the planet,” might I suggest you look under a different rock.

Rob O’Brien (left) as seen at bocce, and Rob O’Brien (right) as seen at the playground.

Speaking of rock, The Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame has decided to induct Linda Ronstadt into the Hall this year.  She was the first school boy crush I ever had way back in the third grade.  I just saw a recent photo of her, and I must admit, she’s not exactly how I remember her.

Linda Ronstadt, then and now. She’s not giving me the same boner these days.

As you can see, Linda didn’t age quite as well as she probably would have hoped.  The nice thing about My Bocce League is that all of the members do age very well, as you can see from the example below.

Maddie Klingman (left) in her early 20’s and now (right) in her late 60’s.

Before I conclude, I must share some rather disturbing news with you. I spent a few days in Atlanta over the holiday and was surprised to learn of a home invasion that took place at my house while I was gone.  As it turns out, Chris Byrne, formerly of Long Balls, decided it was acceptable to trespass on my private property in my absence.  I knew the dude was a tad bit odd, but I didn’t realize the truly warped proclivities that reside deep down inside him.  My guess is he didn’t want me or anyone else to know about his seemingly uncontrollable behavior, but unfortunately for him, he wasn’t aware that I have surveillance cameras stationed throughout my house.  

Mr. Byrne photographed in my house, lying in my bed, in my underwear, drinking my beer.

Above you will see me lying in my bed holding up the severely vandalized underwear
that Chris Byrne left behind as evidence of his caper.

I had just received those under garments for Christmas and had yet to wear them. The DNA results proving his guilt should be back from the FBI crime laboratory within six weeks, and yes, I will push for the local authorities to prosecute this common criminal to the severest penalties possible under the law. And by the way, he was also seen in my wife’s room wearing her under garments, but apparently, he left with that evidence.

To an amazing New Year!

Marty Lynch

The Court Marshal