A Minor Correction

It appears that the lovely Mrs. Lynch has lost her sense of humor. In the February 19th blog, the picture I used of her after an exhausting night of bowling did not go over well. Unfortunately she saw it right before we left for the Cooperstown Fundraiser at Casa di Borally last Saturday night. The first thing Sue does when she’s mad is to pull out the old silent treatment. Now, is it just me, or do all men look forward to the silent treatment? It’s like the most peaceful time of my life, shit if they could bottle it, I’d use it every day.

Anyhow, after a nice quiet ride to the banquet, Sue immediately bumps into Sherry Tighe and the whole blog thing comes up. This did not go well for me either. After Sue bends Sherry’s ear about what a dick head I am, and promising that I’ve seen the last of the ole snatchola, Sherry volunteers that she’s quite happy with the photo I used for her. In fact, she said it made her look and feel young and vibrant, and put her in a great mood. Now in Sue’s girl brain that obviously means I must want to screw Lady Tighe, otherwise I would have found a fat, hairy, ugly picture for her as well.

I’m not sure why that old saying, “when you’re in a hole stop digging,” didn’t pop into my head, but I sure wish it had. But no, I decide that I’m a pretty smooth talker and that this was a simple misunderstanding that I could clear up in no time flat. So what did I come up with? I told Sue that I found that picture a while ago and was gonna use it on Mike Brown, but she told me to lay off the fat jokes with him. Then I told her I was gonna use it on Carla Bondra but couldn’t come up with anything; and, since it was such a good picture I hated to waste it. Everything went perfect, Sue seemed to calm down, she even put a little grin on her face; that was at 8:30 that night. I didn’t realize it then, but it turns out, at approximately 8:31, she got in the car and left.

So, in an effort to ensure I don’t go blind, I’d like to offer this editorial correction and updated picture of the lovely Mrs. Lynch.


I think exhausted is the best way to describe how Sue felt after a long night of bowling.


Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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February 14, 2010 Recap

At 12 pins over her average, the lovely Mrs. Lynch was the winner of this week’s My Bowling League King award, and was therefore given the rights to the league sausage. Quickly realizing that she’s the last person in the world who would need any additional meat in her life, Sue graciously has placed the big fellow on loan to Sherry Tighe, who as we all know, has been stuck with “the stub” for all these years. Anyhow, Sherry was absolutely thrilled when she got the news.


I think ecstatic is the best way to describe how Sherry felt after Sue gave her the sausage.


I think exhausted is the best way to describe how Sue felt after a long night of bowling.

This week’s Queen will go to our brand new papa, Irv Treibatch. Apparently Irving is not getting much rest these days as his 17 pins below average were just a little more pathetic then Ryan McKinley’s 14 pins south of average.


Hopefully, Queen Irvabella can get some rest soon.

The lovely Mrs. Lynch was able to persuade me (in a Barry White sort of way) to forego this week’s Lady Bug List. It was most certainly an in-disguisable attempt to save TJ Sell and Dave Miller the embarrassment of being repeat recipients of this less than prestigious designation. Though not typically my style, I nonetheless, acquiesced to her wishes.

Now might be a good time to say your goodbyes to the Himmel’s and Sirselle’s who, because of their demanding schedules, won’t be able to participate in the league next year. We will all obviously miss them; that is, assuming you remember who they are. The Kane’s are clearly busy as well, but they will be joining another team next year so that they can continue to accompany us on the annual booze cruise.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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This, That, and the Other

REALITY

I’m not one to pry into other people’s business, but every now and then I like to check up on the lives of my relatives. I was talking to my 24 year old niece last month, and being the caring uncle that I am, I inquired as to whether or not she was dating anyone. She quickly said “no I’m not seeing anyone and I don’t plan on seeing anyone.” I figured I touched a sore spot and decided to let it go. She’s not a homely girl and should be able to get a date every now and again, so my gut was telling me she probably has a ton of character flaws, or anger issues, or something along those lines. Nonetheless, I gracefully backed off.

It wasn’t until last week that things came into focus for me. I was doing a little creeping on Facebook; you know, checking up on all of my nieces and nephews, making sure that they’re not getting into trouble. I found every one of them, except for Catie, the 24 year old. Turns out, that after hopping around I see her picture in one of my nephew’s friends list; and she’s using an alias. I’m not going to divulge how I made my way onto her page, but suffice to say, Sherlock Holmes ain’t got nothing on me.

As I scoured her Profile, her Wall, her Photos, things became painfully clear; the girl needs professional help. I learned that she is seeing someone, a man she gleefully refers to as her “little Guido Rican.” It also became clear that she is trying to hide her 16 years of Catholic education, (that her parents are still paying off) and worse yet, disavow her Irish heritage. Thank god my dad’s not alive or this would kill him. I don’t have the heart to tell my brother that next month she plans to quit her job, her good job, a job for which she is over paid, and under-qualified. Her brilliant plan is to take out a huge loan and start a local reality TV show called Erie Shores. Apparently her name on the show is going to be Ms. Noogie and her boyfriend will be called The Destination. Well, if you ask me, her life’s destined for failure and misery, but like I said, I don’t like to pry, so I’d prefer if one of you told my brother.


If Erie Shores works, I’m starting the reality show “The Housewives’ of My Bowling League,” and yeah, there will be nudity.

THE FIRST MARTIN V INVITATIONAL OF 2010

I had a Martin V Invitational at the Sell’s house last weekend; I called it a Marty Gras, pretty clever huh? Anyhow, Dick Dongo was there and by golly he just keeps getting dumber. He was complaining about how tough his life is with all this travel he has to deal with, and blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, I asked him what his wife did while he was on the road. Now I’m guessing that every other guy on the planet would have at least looked over his shoulder before answering that question, but not Dickie D. I’m going to try and condense his response, but it went something like this:

“Susanna begins her day with a pot of coffee, followed by dropping the boy off at school. When she returns home, she drains another pot of coffee while she curls up and reads for a couple of hours. She then proceeds to sleep off the caffeine with a refreshing three hour nap. She wakes up about 1pm for the Young and the Restless, or whatever the soap opera is. During the commercials she vacuums; which technically takes two hours, it’s just not continuous. Then at 3pm she swings by the BP station for a 48 ounce coffee to get her to and from the drive to pick up Junior at school. Then it’s back to the couch for some Oprah till dinner time, which apparently is a Lean Cuisine for her and whatever the kids decide to make for themselves. Then Queen Susanna plops her tail back down on the couch for an evening of Lifetime Television Entertainment and a couple of bags of chocolate covered pretzels.”

Now I suppose I could have given him the high sign to tip him off that Susanna was standing behind him the whole time, but for whatever reason, I didn’t. As I watched her mouth begin to grit and her face turn an odd shade of purple, I decided that I would remind motor mouth that it was his wife’s birthday and he might want to cut her some slack. To which he replied “her birthday, I don’t give a shit about her birthday, every damn day of her life is her birthday, she doesn’t do shit.”


Dick Dongo may have thought that a rolling pin was a good birthday present, but I have a feeling he’s going to regret giving her that gift.

THE LAST MARTIN V INVITATIONAL OF 2009

By the way, I had another Martin V Invitational at PJ Buynack’s house at Christmas, and Dave and Diane Koski made their way onto the list. It wasn’t because Diane is my dentist; it was because Dave is PJ’s dentist. Anyhow, I learned a couple of interesting things that night. First, for some reason, one which I can’t actually explain, I mistakenly thought that Diane was Jewish. This new gentile information leaves me with a rather large dilemma; do I break my doctor, dentist, accountant, attorney, Hebrew only rule, or do I ditch Diane and go to the phone book and find the first Rabinowitz DDS that shows up? Fortunately, I only go to the dentist every 7 or 8 years so I’ve got some time.


Diane Koski is nice and all, but I’m thinking Stanley Rabinowitz is a much safer bet.

Another thing I learned was that Dave has decided that since Diane only works 32 hours a week, she should be considered part time. Therefore he pays her at an hourly rate of $8.25, and believe it or not, makes her punch a time clock. The worst part is that she has to use that money to buy groceries and household supplies. Which means that while Dave zips down the road and puts his 2 hour Harry Buffalo lunch on the company visa card, Diane is back at the office brown bagging it in between patients.

By the way, try not to schedule any appointments at their office during the winter; but if you do, make sure you park right next to Dave’s car. This cheap bastard refuses to spend money on rock salt so his parking lot is a sheet of ice from November until April; except of course that little trail of salt that goes from his car door to the back door of his building. I never thought I’d find a person who could make Chip Tighe look like a big spender, and truth be told, I still haven’t. At the same time, I never thought I’d meet someone as cheap as Chip, but thanks to Dave Koski, I have.



That tight-wad bastard Dave Koski prepares to frugally de-ice his parking lot.



Don't forget to watch Miz Noogie, coming this Fall


Marty Lynch
The King Pin




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January 31, 2010 Recap

I’d be willing to bet that all of you folks enjoyed the Super Bowl; well, with the possible exception of Brian Himmel and Brian Kane that is. If you recall from last year’s banquet, these two guys shared the “Queer Little Bitch of the Year” award for 2009; and, as I was making my friendly rounds at the lanes last week, I noticed that I was getting the cold shoulder from these two Brian’s. I tried to make a little small talk, I tried asking about their kids, about how the jobs going, you name it; Ole Martin V went out of his way to be cordial. Nonetheless, these two guys wouldn’t talk to me; so I gave up trying.

It wasn’t until later that night when I bumped into Cristen Kane that I learned what was going on. These guys were pissed at me and were pouting all night because they had to bowl instead of going to some Grammy Award party at some little sissy bar they hang out at. Apparently, they had heard that someone named Pink was supposed to put on a spine-tingling performance that would be talked about for decades; and they knew they were missing it. Somewhat, but not entirely shocked, I explained to Cristen that we bowl every other week and as I prepared the schedule, I had to chose between bowling on the night of the Grammy’s or the night of the Super Bowl. She understood completely and said very matter of factly “that’s why they won the queer little bitch thing last year, and that’s probably why they’ll win it again this year.” It sure is tough to argue with that logic.



Kane and Himmel when they realized that the TV monitors at Freeway Lanes weren’t working, and they wouldn’t be watching the Grammy’s this year.

I don’t mean to harp on Himmel, but I may as well get this over with now. Brian is the My Bowling League Queen this week and gets to picture himself in that edgy black sequin dress that Taylor Swift sported on the red carpet runway last week. Brian was a whopping 23 pins below average, and I’m sure much of that off night had to do with the forlorn state he was in. Unfortunately, it gets worse; Melissa Himmel is this week’s Co-My Bowling League King as she wiped up the polyurethane pine wood runway with her 19 pins over average. Good news for Melissa is she finally has a real sausage in her life; perhaps now she’ll have some manly company to hang out with during the Super Bowl, while Brian is busy raiding her clothes closet.


Yo Melissa slow down, remember, you have to share the sausage this week.


Brian Himmel is whipping up an espresso and getting ready for the exciting half time show.

There’s big news in the Getty household as well, as Kathleen tied Melissa at 19 pins over average for her share of this week’s sausage. Mrs. Himmel said she has no problem sharing the meat, and in fact, she kind of looks forward to it.

We also have a nice Lady Bug List this week. The good doctor, Patrick Getty is back where he belongs as he headlines this week’s cast of failures. I will give Getty this; he was at least at his average, so he’s not on the list because he has a huge vajayjay, he’s on the list because his wife’s pecker is just way bigger than his.


Patrick Getty and his thumbtack (left) get ready for a swim; while Kathleen Getty and her junk get ready for a little stationary bike workout.

Other lucky Lady Bugs this week include previous recipients TJ Sell and Matt Creech, along with; you guessed it, Brian Himmel. Once again, Dave Miller was able to squeak his way off the Lady Bug List this week. So for the record, Dave, the 6’3” - 275 pounder, has out pinned his wife Mimi, the 4’ 3” - 81 pounder by a total of 5 pins over the last 6 games. Way to go Miller, you’re showing her who’s the boss aren’t you?

Dave and Mimi Miller all the way back on their first date.

Last Thursday, my wife was reading some crazy French tabloid newspaper with a photo of Angelina Jolie looking way-way hot on the cover. Figuring this might be a good opportunity to score some brownie points with the lovely Mrs. Lynch, I tell her that she looks just like Angelina. She said “honey aren’t you sweet,” then she says, “what a coincidence, I’m looking at a picture of Brad Pitt in this paper and he looks just like you.” Thinking that she was giving me some coded mating signal I sauntered over to her and said “really, let me see the picture.” This is when I realized why my wife doesn’t have any friends; she’s just a mean, insensitive bitch.

The lovely Mrs. Lynch will be sorry when I trade her ass in. I can change being fat, but she can’t change being a miserable nag.

Alright people, you know the drill, mum’s the word, I’ll see you this Sunday.

With warmth in my heart,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little More This and That

A LITTLE THIS

One of the new couples, Natalie and Irving Treibatch welcomed their first child into the world on January 16th. They have named their healthy 7lb. 6oz. son George, a family name on Natalie’s side. Irv called me yesterday to say that he kept the New Year’s resolution that I gave to him, and has already completed the DNA testing. He proudly reports that the boy is definitely his. Congratulations from all of us!


The curious young fella is clearly the spittin’ image of his dad.

A LITTLE THAT

Scott Mills called me the Thursday before bowling and asked if anybody needed subs, and by sheer coincidence, Brian Himmel had asked if the Mills were available. Finally, people having their shit together,…..or so I thought. Then at 4pm Sunday I get a text from Mills saying something “unavoidable” just came up, sorry, can’t make it. Apparently he thinks the Dee Dee Bondra rule doesn’t apply to subs.

I decided not to call him back and give him shit, but I started thinking; what does unavoidable mean? He could have said, people came in from out of town; forgot the kid had a game; I’ve got the flu. He could have even done what that idiotic wench Dawn Rossi did, saying she was surprised with tickets to a show at the last minute; but no not Mills, he says something unavoidable.

After a week, I can’t take it anymore, I‘ve got to know what was unavoidable. I decide to call his cell phone and asked him what happened. It was a shitty connection but I was pretty sure he said “me and the misses went out to Niagara, and won’t be back around for 36 hours.” That didn’t make any sense, why did he wait till the last minute to call me? Later that night I was watching TV when a commercial came on, and boom, I figured out what he said.



“Me and the misses tried out some Viagra, and it won’t go back down for 36 hours.”


A LITTLE THIS

I went over to watch the St. Paschal’s 8th grade basketball team play last Saturday morning. Chip Tighe and Tim Salcer are the coaches; and from time to time Chip gets upset with the CYO officiating. Now Tighe is a card carrying member of the Ohio High School Basketball Officials Association, so he is supposed to know the rules, but trust me, he’s absolutely clueless.

Anyhow, Chip thinks one of his players got fouled and starts screaming at the ref, and ultimately, proceeds to drop an F-bomb on the poor guy. The ref comes over to eject Chip from the game for using foul language; that’s when our little wussy boy Tighe tells the ref he didn’t say it; he points to Salcer and says “he yelled it.” So the ref tosses Tim out of the gym and makes him wait in the parking lot until the game is over. Now Salcer has to serve a three game suspension because of Tighe’s behavior. And I thought being his neighbor sucked.


Hey Chip go back and look at your manual, this is not a basketball hand signal.

A LITTLE THAT

You know what, speaking of Tim Salcer; the guy kind of irritates me. He’s one of those goody-two-shoes fellas, who’s always trying to do the right thing. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the guy swear, which I should point out is tough to do when you have twenty-five 8th grade kids on a football field all screwing around at the same time. But that’s not what really bugs me about the guy. The fact that the guy doesn’t own a T-shirt that he hasn’t cut the sleeves off, which he obviously does so he can walk around flexing for people all day, doesn’t bother me either. When he moved into his new 5 bedroom, 3,500 square foot home, this dick sent out those “I’ve Moved” postcards with a picture of him standing in front the place. It didn’t even bother me when I read the back of the post card saying that he registered at Crate and Barrel for anyone who would like to get him a house warming gift; what a d-bag.

I can deal with all that shit, but here’s what bugs me; I coached football at Paschal’s for 4 years, and the worst part about it was having to wait around every night for the parents to pick up their kids. However, my last year of coaching was Tim’s first year, and guess what? We never had to wait around for parents to pick up their kids, because once Salcer started coaching, all of the mom’s dropped off their kids, and oddly enough, decided to stay and watch the entire practice. Now the guy is like 28 years old, has little to no body fat, is somewhat attractive in an ugly sort of way, and has probably spent about $40,000 on his teeth. But let’s face it people, he’s still no Marty Lynch, and the fact that these old biddy’s overlooked a stud like me for a guy like Tim, who I should point out, is incapable of loving anyone other than himself, pisses me off.

So let me give you ladies a tip; a tip that Tim, the “self” proclaimed charming, eligible bachelor, appears to be far too kind to tell all of you old broads. A tip, which would be pretty damn obvious to you saggy breasted hags if you weren’t so damn delusional; he’s not looking for some 45 year old wrinkled-ass married woman who has to put 8 pounds of make up on just to look presentable. So unless you got it like Terry Hatcher’s got it, or like Courtney Cox got it, you better wake up and realize you ain’t in Cougar Town.


I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, I mean come on; Salcer ain’t got it like the King Pin got it. Hell, he should have been in the celebrity look-a-like blog.


By the way, Tim asked if I would be willing to link a couple of his YouTube dance videos on this blog. I was more than happy to honor his request. By the way, I’m sure some of your kids who played for him will enjoy these too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jVMDLIB0o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lN0gKTiWvQ&NR=1

A LITTLE THIS

Brian Kane can’t wait to go back on the Booze Cruise this year. Not simply because he does nothing but eat, drink and gamble all day, but rather, he enjoys making new friends. Brian must be a real guy’s guy because all the fella’s wanted to hang out with him by the pool. I suggest that those of you who haven’t signed up yet, get moving because you’re running out of time; and it is a great time!

Brian says that when he smothers his face in this area for 2 or 3 minutes, he can’t help but make new guy friends.

A LITTLE THAT

I hate beating a dead horse, but my god this Dick Dongo may be the dumbest person on the entire planet, if not the universe. I was talking to him about the earthquake in Haiti when he says that I should start texting some 90999 number because each time I do it the cellular company donates $10 to the relief effort. He then tells me he’s done it tons of times. I said to him, “you realize that the cellular company isn’t donating that money, you are.” He says “what are you talking about.” So I explain to him that each time he text’s that number, his cellular account is charged $10. You should have seen the look on his face when he said “you’re bullshitting me, right?” He obviously thinks I’m kidding, so I suggest he pick up the phone right now and call the cell company and find out what his current account balance is. I almost, that’s right, I almost felt bad for the guy when I heard him scream into the phone, $47,000…..$47,000…you’re out of your mind, I’m not paying you $47,000. I’m not sure what he’s going to do to get out of paying that bill, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Perhaps this is just what he needed to finally pull his head out of his ass and start paying attention to shit.


Yo Dickie D, this is no way to go through life.


With all my love,


Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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January 17, 2010 Recap

I’m in a pretty good mood, so I’m going to pass on putting TJ Sell on the Lady Bug List all by himself this week. This is pretty damn kind of me considering that his wife spent the entire night spanking that little sissy’s ass by 40 some pins. Now had Dave Miller not beaten his wife by one measly pin, I could have given Sell some company on the list, but I just don’t have the heart to single a guy out like that.


I wonder if Jane ever gets tired of this.

Not much went on last week, aside from Tom Rudibaugh celebrating his 90th birthday, making him the oldest current My Bowling Leaguer. Unfortunately, no one was aware that Regan McKinley also celebrated her birthday that night. The reason why no one knew is because Jane Jetson bought one of those big ass chocolate cakes from Costco, and passed it around to everyone.


Liz Rudibaugh showing Tom which direction to blow.

Ryan McKinley on the other hand, didn’t do dick for his wife. Now mind you, the guy hasn’t been married a year yet, and he’s already forgetting important shit. If this boy doesn’t see the light quickly, then I’m giving those nuptials two years tops, and I’m being generous.


Hey Ryan, just so you know, no one has ever gotten laid while in the dog house. Wise up pal!

Linda Carney edged out Edie Mellen for the honor of being this week’s King. Ironically, she did it by being 16 pins over average, and while drinking 16 Miller Lites; which I should point out, is only 2 beers over her average. Needless to say, Dee Dee Bondra will have to relinquish the sausage for the time being.


It looks like Linda “Martina” Carney may be back on the steroids.

Once again, Bill Weil is this week’s Queen. There wasn’t one guy even close to being as piss poor as Bill last week. In his defense, this week’s 18 pins under average wasn’t nearly as bad as his previous weeks 38 pin under average. Who knows, maybe Bill is slowly morphing into a guy.


Perhaps Bill Weil is beginning to make the transition back to manhood, but clearly, he’s not there yet.

I may be over looking a few things, but I’m sure I’ll be able to catch up next week.

Affectionately Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little Wife Swapping

Bowling Family Wanted for Wife Swap

I received this information yesterday and figured that I’d share it with the members of “My Bowling League.”

My name is Jeff Eggleston and I am a Casting Producer for ABC families hit reality show 'Wife Swap.' We are currently casting for our fifth season and we are looking for Bowling Families! (Ones that bowl together, or participate in competitive leagues, or families that own and/or operate a bowling ally)

The premise of Wife Swap is simple: for seven days, two wives from two different families with very different values exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover what it's like to live a different family's life. It's an interesting social experiment and a great way to see your family in a whole new light. It is shot as a documentary series, so NO scripts and no set. It's just one camera that is documenting your life.

Families that appear on the show will receive a financial honorarium of $20,000 for lost wages, time and commitment. And if you refer a family that appears on the show you would receive $1,000.

Here at 'Wife Swap' we look for a two-parent home with at least one child between the ages of 6 and 17 living at home full time.

If you are interested, please email me your contact information and tell me a little about your family and how the sport of bowling plays a roll in your lives. Or if you would like to refer a family, please email me their contact information and I will be in touch.

Thank you!

Jeff Eggleston

Casting Producer
RDF USA
100 6th Ave.3rd Floor, Suite 3 - 29
New York , NY 10013
tel: 646-747-7946

casting.jeff@gmail.com
http://www.rdfusa.com/shows.php
http://abc.go.com/primetime/wifeswap


Now as you can imagine, this got Ole Martin V a-thinking. Maybe we should do a little My Bowling League wife swapping of our own. I know for sure that there are at least a few of you wives who would be thrilled to unload your husband’s for a week; and it’s just possible that a few of you fella’s would kill for a chance to ditch your little beast of burden for even one day, let alone seven.

I pulled out the roster and started looking at some possible wife swaps that I could make, and I have to tell you, I’m having trouble getting the perfect match. Not to brag, but the problem isn’t with whom to place The King Pin; I mean for gods sakes I’m certain that any one of you chicks would be ecstatic to spend a week with me. The roadblock is the lovely Mrs. Lynch. Let’s face it; she’s no day at the beach. Now she may come across as being harmless, but remember I set this league up three years ago just to find her one friend, so that I wouldn’t have to spend as much time with her. And guess what? She still hasn’t found a friend, what’s that tell you?


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day one of wife swap

I’ll tell you exactly what would happen; on day one you will think you died and went to heaven. You will quickly realize that Sue is a bright, beautiful, and hilariously funny lady, and you’ll be trying to figure out a way to make the switch permanent. However, by the end of day two, I absolutely guarantee, you’ll be begging the Lord to save you from this living hell.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day two of wife swap

Here are but a few of the things you will learn. You will have to get up at 5:30 to put her coffee on because she won’t let you set the coffee timer the night before, just in case there’s a power outage. After the kids are out the door you can then start working the chores off the four page list she has put together for you. You’re not allowed to have the remote control, and you can’t sit on the couch if she’s already on it because she won’t be able to lie down.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch watching Real Housewives of Somewhere

There’s not even the slightest chance she’ll pick a kid up or drop a kid off that will solely be your job. You have to answer every phone call and bring her the handset, or make up a believable excuse so she doesn’t have to take the call. When you take a shower, she will turn the kitchen faucet on and off because for some reason those two water lines are together and she knows it will ruin the only chance you have to relax.


Everyone in the house is subject to Sue’s freezing/burning shower treatment

She will send you to the grocery store for one thing that you probably won’t even need that day. Then, as you lie your head down and begin to doze off, she will sneak up behind you and scream your name directly in your ear. Your eyes will jump wide open, your body will lunge forward, your heart will skip beats, and you’ll be panting like a dog. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will smile and say; “oh I thought you were awake,” then she’ll chuckle and wait for you to start dozing again.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch gently waking Ole Martin V from his 3 second nap

So let me just say this fella’s, I’ll swap with any and all of you, any time, but just remember, in My Bowling League, there are no backs, no Indian giving, none of that bullshit, all sales are final boys.

Oh, and by the way, I’m pretty sure that by now we all know the deal; but I’ll remind you nonetheless. The lovely Mrs. Lynch is not on the distribution list and won’t know anything about this posting, and you’ll not breathe a word of it.


See you on the trading block,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Mr. Know It All

I have found myself in the car quite a bit this week, and with that, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Mike Trivisonno on the radio. Now I’ve listened to this guy for however long he’s been doing his talk show, and I must have called him a big, fat, stupid dago a million times; but that’s only because he is. But lately, I have to tell you, he’s making a ton of sense to me. So I’ve been struggling to figure out if that makes me dumb, or does that simply make him, not as dumb as I thought?

Then yesterday, after he got done belittling some whiney, bleeding heart liberal, and bitch slapping some 80 year old lady, (both calls which I really enjoyed), he blurted something out that I wasn’t ready for. This Brush High School grease-ball, 10th grade drop-out said he was making $1.2 million a year. You heard me, $1.2 million, and all I could think was you gotta be kidding me. After I got done shaking my head, I realized the answer to my question was simple, yes that makes me dumb, and yes, he’s way smarter than I thought.


Trivisonno in the 10th grade, consuming 1.2 million calories per semester; and Trivisonno now, earning 1.2 million dollars per year....you gotta be kidding me.
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It gets worse as I keep listening. He’s got strippers calling him on the phone wanting to hook up with him. He’s telling them to go to his website and post their big old boobies on-line and he’ll decide if they're worthy of his attention or not. It’s now that I realize, that not only am I dumb, but I am a complete and total over educated, under achieving, jerk-off loser too. I kicked the “Strippers” out of our bowling league because they failed to show up a couple of times; and this mullet wearing bastard has got them beating his door down so they can say “I met Mike Trivisonno.” So I immediately do what every other red-blooded Cleveland guy would do, I go to the WTAM website and try to check out these broads. And finally, finally, I felt a little better. While Trivisonno definitely has more strippers, pound for pound “My Bowling League” has way, way more talent.

A representative sampling of Trivisonno's Stripper's


The Ladies of "My Bowling League" matched up pound for pound against Trivisonno's harem....maybe I'm not as big a loser as I thought.

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Anyhow, I’m told that every story, to be worthwhile, should have some kind of religious or spiritual moral to it. So here’s the one that I think we can all clearly take away from this. (granted, it’s a bit of a stretch, but what the hell) We have dozens of I-talians in this league, some short, some fat, some dumb, some illiterate, and some are all of the above; but I’m told, none of you guys are cheap. But the only way for us to find that out for sure, is if you guys start buying me beers. So unless you stingy bastards want me to start naming names, perhaps you should belly up to the bar and drop off a Bud Lite on your way back to the lanes.

Salute, or whatever it is you guys say,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

***P.S. - Please consider making a donation to the Linda Trivisonno Endowment Fund at the link posted below:...your contribution won't bring her back, but it may keep your loved ones with you a while longer!

https://www.uhgiving.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=872

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December 20, 2009 Recap

How about that? Everyone showed up to bowl on December 20, 2009. Not only that, but every team had a nice little Christmas gift that they wanted me to have as a token of their appreciation for all that The King Pin does for them. However, it does appear that each and every team was so eager to get to bowling that they all forgot to actually bring those gifts with them.

Anyhow, I had a chance to say hello to everyone at the lanes, with the one exception being, Tony Bondra. As I went through the bowling scores for that evening, I began to sense that perhaps Tony was intentionally avoiding me. My reasoning is that it turns out that we only have two Lady Bugs this week; Bill (Al Roker) Davis, and Tony Bondra. I can certainly understand Bill having an off night; I mean let’s face it, his arm was sore after signing all those autographs.


Looks like Bill Davis is signing someone’s bowling score sheet

I’m not sure why Tony couldn’t hit his average in any of the three games he bowled that night; but what I do know is that his wife Dee Dee absolutely crushed the poor bastard. Not only did she beat his ass into Lady Bugdom, she also bowled her way to being this week’s My Bowling League King. Dee Dee was a blistering 26 pins over average and gets to play with the sausage until some other manly ma’am is able to pry it away.

Many people have told me that Dee Dee and Tony are a great couple, and that they are perfect for each other. I’ve heard that they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentence. Sherry Tighe even went as far as saying “they are both such wonderful people, that when I think of Dee Dee I can’t help but think of Tony and vise versa. In fact, I refer to them as one person, and call them D.D.T.”


I’m guessing this is how Sherry pictures D.D.T. I contend this is what happens when you inhale too much DDT.

Getting back to manly, Maddie Klingman has had the sausage for well over a month, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Mrs. Bondra to lay a little disinfectant on that fella. Another manly performance was turned in by our new face of the league Jane Jetson-Rudibaugh who was 22 pins over average. I’m not gonna say Liz’s scores were cosmic, or out of this world, because that’s what any one of you losers would probably come up with. Rather, I would just like to offer a warning to Tom Rudibaugh to watch out because if his wife keeps improving like this sooner or later, she gonna be shoving her Venus up Uranus.



You didn't actually think I would put a picture of that did you?

This would bring us to something we haven’t discussed yet this year; The Queen. I admit that I am surprised that none of you dudes have mentioned this to me. Perhaps if you guys weren’t bowling like gals I would have heard something by now. Anyhow, this week’s winner of the My Bowling League Queens crown goes to a familiar girly-man from last year, Bill Weil. Congratulations sweetie, your 38 pins under average was the most pitiful performance turned in by a “male” bowler this year.


Bill was actually eager to pose for this photo.

With love oozing out of me,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little This, A Little That

A LITTLE THIS

Let’s clear something up real quick, when I tell you that I’ve taken my wife off of the blog distribution list and that you’re not suppose to say a word to her about anything in the blog; that means that Hope Reimer should keep her extremely large mouth shut.

I put together a small, last minute Martin V. Invitational New Years Eve party at the home of Dick Dongo and his wife Susanna Longo. The only reason Hope even got an invite at all is because my wife said I couldn’t just invite Mike Reimer and not his wife. Anyhow, Hope tells the lovely Mrs. Lynch that she read the blog and that I was mean to Dave and Mimi Miller simply because I resolved that they should get a personality or something like that.

Listen closely people, the reason why Sue is no longer on the distribution list is clear; I don’t want to hear her bitching, nor do I want her editing my content and telling me who I have to apologize to. If I start apologizing to the Miller’s, then I have to apologize to the Brown’s, then the Bondra’s, and everybody else, and I’m not doing it.

Instead, let’s do this; I apologize to everyone for anything that has ever been said in the past and for everything that I may say in the future. We good now? Furthermore, I’m pretty sure that I have stated on more than one occasion, if you don’t want to be identified in the blog, just let me know. It can’t get any more simple than that.


The invited Reimer, (left) and his blabber mouth wife.

A LITTLE THAT

Speaking of the Mr.Dongo/Mrs. Longo gathering, let me just say that it was yet another Ole Martin V successful event. I convinced Susanna that she shouldn’t go to any trouble cooking up any of those spicy Italian dishes of hers, and instead, have the evening catered. This thankfully meant that no one’s a-hole would be on fire on January 1st. Nonetheless, it was a sweet spread, and everything was great! The only complaint that anyone had was, that come mid-night, the pervert Terry Wise tried to slip everyone’s wife the tongue and it kind of grossed the ladies out. Now, this obviously had to be a small gathering, in fact, a very small gathering because I could only invite people that Dongo hadn’t pissed off in the last year or so. At this rate, I’m gonna guess that if I don’t step in and do something this party will be even smaller next year.

So this is what The King Pin has decided to do in an attempt to reduce the fall out and “possibly” increase the size of next year’s Dongo/Longo party. On January 17, 2010, My Bowling League will be holding a Nick/Dick Longo/Dongo Trivia Night. For those of you who actually read the emails over the last couple of years, my guess is you’ll do well. Dickie Dongo himself will be passing out Freeway Lanes bar gift certificates to the lucky winners.


For some reason Terry Wise creeped the ladies out a little bit.

A LITTLE THIS

Chip Tighe did it again. I told him that my snow plow guy wouldn’t have his truck ready for another week. Which I guess is the same thing as saying, “hey Chip why don’t you steal my snow shovel so that I have to use my 6” kitchen broom to sweep the 9” of snow off my driveway?” This time Tighe made a mistake. Jamie Pilla pulled by Chip’s house in, I believe his December, though possibly his January Mercedes, just as Tighe finished clearing his drive. That asshole Chip just couldn’t contain his glee over his recent act of coveting thy neighbor’s goods, and he told Pilla everything; beginning with how he came over my house last week to drop off some of his cheap, nasty smelling, shitty home-made wine; and then how he snuck into the garage, unlocked the garage window, and put the shovel right next to it; only to come back in the dead of night to snatch it.

Now if you’ve met Jamie, you surely know that he can be an even bigger asshole than Chip; but to be fair, probably no bigger an ass than say 95% of the members of My Bowling League. Nevertheless, Pilla had one of those rare, though perfectly timed, acts of kindness, as he called his snow plow guy and sent him over to my house to clear my driveway. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to canonize Pilla, and I realize what Jamie should have done was bought me a brand new John Deere 400 horsepower sit-down riding mower with the easy lift snow plow attachment, but after all, that may have made Pilla something other than an asshole, and God forbid, jeopardize that hard earned reputation of his.


And Tighe thinks this is funny.

A LITTLE THAT

I’m looking for volunteers who want to participate in this year’s Cleveland St. Patrick’s Day Parade on March 17, 2010. My Bowling League will have marchers in this year’s parade dressed handsomely as bowling pins. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will be volunteering to make the costumes, but I haven’t told her yet……………understand? I’m sure that some of you big spenders would like to help sponsor the My Bowling League hospitality suite at some downtown hotel. By the way, my brother-in-law Henry has volunteered to be either the 7 or 10 pin because he sees them all the time; and Dawn Rossi has begged, I mean begged me to allow her to be the head pin. I’d like to assure all of the ladies that Dawn has not been given that position and that I will be holding private auditions for that coveted spot. More details to follow.


You guys are gonna look great!

A LITTLE THIS

By the way, my son Tom went back to college this weekend. He goes to a school called St. Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota. Sue and I knew it was minus 36 degrees there and we gladly put him on a plane and sent him back; then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. We’re still trying to figure out if we laughed because he’s a thoughtless shitty kid and deserves to freeze his ass off, or if we’re thoughtless shitty parents and that’s just what thoughtless shitty parents do. Either way, I don’t care, it’s already more peaceful around here.


I'm wondering if we should call to see if he made it back.

A LITTLE THAT

One last thing, if you butt heads think that I have time on my hands, check this out. There are a couple of guys who have, what I guess you’d call, legitimate bowling blogs. They actually talk about bowling stuff, they offer pointers on how to select a bowling ball or a pair of shoes, and these dudes are writing and linking all kinds of shit every day. Now I don’t know if that is of any interest to you folks but I put the links right above Ole Martin V’s Daily Words of Wisdom. And for all you people who spend your day on Facebook playing FarmVille or Bejeweled, I have kindly given you a link to some on-line bowling games. Perhaps this will break up the monotony of Mafia Wars or Café World. As usual, here we have The King Pin once again trying to make your pathetic lives just a little more enjoyable.

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Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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Some New Year's Resolutions.......For You.

As your trusted King Pin, I would like to wish everyone a joyous and prosperous New Year, and state emphatically that I pray for nothing but the very best for each and every one of you. (you can choose to believe that if you wish) As I reflect on the happenings of 2009, the inauguration of Barak Obama leaps out at me. As we all know, elections have consequences; some are coincidental, and some, well maybe not so much. For example the four teams that “chose” (wink, wink) not to return, all happened to be ardent and vocal supporters of our new president. Coincidence?

Anyhow, as it appears that our president, a.k.a., Bo Rock Yo Momma knows what’s best for us; I began to realize that I too, know what’s best for you guys. So with that in mind, I have decided that I will not be asking any of you what your New Year’s resolution is; oh contraire, I will be telling you what your resolution will be. Furthermore, your future/continuous membership in My Bowling League will depend on your successful adherence to whatever I have decided is best for you. Should your name not appear on this random listing, you are either an afterthought, or I’ve already decided to get rid of you next season.

Therefore:

Abigail Sirselle resolves to stop shaving Jim Sirselle’s balls every week, and Jim Sirselle resolves not to shave Abigail’s mustache every day.

Andy Mellen resolves to work at least one full 8 hour day this year. Which means he’s going to have to stop working for Cuyahoga County and get a private sector job. Art teacher Edie Mellen resolves to teach just one Euclid High School student, just one thing, that they could actually use on a 10th grade proficiency exam.

Bill Weil resolves to never lose a single game of bowling to his mother-in-law, let alone be so pitiful as to lose 3 games in one night. Likewise, Beth DeBaggis resolves to never say to her daughter Heather how disappointed she is that she has such a pussy for a son-in-law.

Mark Byrne resolves to wear a ballerina dress to bowling so that he looks more natural when he releases the ball. To put Byrnes at ease, Terry Wise resolves not to arouse himself by looking up Mark’s dress.

Sue Lynch resolves not to cut people off on the highway, and Andrew Ryzner, Greg Cira, Tom Rudibaugh, Tony Bondra, Dale Politi, Greg Ferrazza, and Jim Klingman resolve not to call me to inform me what a shitty driver my wife is.

Jennifer Cira resolves to wear that special bra that her husband Greg got her for Valentine’s Day, so that her A-cupper’s can be transformed into what appear to be C-cupper’s; and Cindy Lembach resolves to pretend to be impressed by Jennifer’s new found cleavage.

Mayor Scott Coleman resolves to call the Regional Income Tax Authority and have them forgive the $579.83 that I now owe them because he thought raising local income taxes was a great idea. Councilman Scott Mills resolves to begin accepting bribes like every other decent politician in Cuyahoga County does.

Kate Gavin resolves to bring George Costanza with her to bowling because he always had the decency to buy me a beer, and she has yet to show that same generosity.

Carla Bondra resolves to teach George Argie how to talk more, and George Argie resolves to teach Carla Bondra how to talk less; and each and every one of us resolve to pray that George is more successful.

Dee Dee Bondra resolves to get her team to show up every week to bowl, and I resolve to keep giving Dee Dee shit even if she gets her team shows up every week to bowl.

Chip Tighe resolves not to lurk around my house trying to catch a peek of my wife getting out of the shower and into her underwear, and I resolve to never again say Sue is taking a shower when Chip asks me what my wife is doing.

Maria Gaeta resolves to return the naming rights to the Sausage, along with the actual hardware; and Phil Gaeta resolves to concentrate a little more so that perhaps his “software” might be mistaken for hardware by his wife.

Bill Davis resolves to either sell at least one insurance policy this year, or learn how to stand out in the cold and deliver a weather report. Michelle Davis resolves to get used to Bill not being around the house at 6 and 11pm week nights.

Sue Wise resolves to stop talking as though she’s being paid for every syllable she utters. Similarly, Mike Reimer resolves to be udder-less by the end of 2010.

Brian Kane resolves to get is doctors license so that after 18 years of avoiding apprehension, he can finally practice his profession of optometry legally. Cristen Kane resolves to go on-line and obtain a bogus doctors license so that after 18 years avoiding apprehension, her husband can sort of practice his profession of optometry legally.

Linda Carney resolves to hold all of her family reunions at a local chapter AA meeting, so that all the Carney’s can kill two birds with one stone.

Dick Dongo resolves to change his reputation so that each time his name is spoken; the first response won’t be “what did the asshole do this time.” Likewise, Susanna Longo resolves to only make food that when eaten, my asshole’s first response won’t be “what the hell did she put in that shit.”

Natalie Treibatch resolves to agree to DNA testing once her baby is born; so that the rumors that it’s not her husband Irving’s kid will be put to bed quickly; or perhaps confirmed expeditiously.

Jennifer Creech resolves to stop using her husband’s jock itch, even though he has no use for it, and Matt Creech resolves to stop using his wife’s eyeliner even though the color is much better on him.

Ann Marie Mills and Martha Coleman resolve to stop making excuses for their dumb ass husbands every time they do something stupid at a city council meeting. Which I’m pretty sure would be every meeting.

Sherry Tighe resolves to stop asking The King Pin to come over and render his opinion every time she buys a new pair of thong panties; and The King Pin resolves to continue to claim it happens at least twice a month.

Dave Miller resolves to come up with a personality this year. He then resolves to give half of that personality to his wife Mimi. This way, by the end of the year, both of them will at least have some personality.

Katy Profeta resolves to say at least one kind thing about her husband this year. Mike Profeta resolves not to hold his breath waiting for that to happen.

TJ Sell resolves to leave our waitress Michelle a tip this year. Michelle the waitress resolves to pull a Mike Profeta and not hold her breath waiting for that to happen.

Karen Politi resolves to no longer put marijuana in any of her baking that she brings to bowling. Drinking 14 beers in 3 hours makes driving home tough enough for me as is.

Chiropractor extraordinaire John Bondra resolves not to make every female patient completely disrobe so that he can simply examine her neck. Furthermore, foot doctor Chip Tighe resolves to stop offering free pelvic exams to his 80 year old Medicare patients.

Brian Himmel resolves to let his wife Melissa know that if Tiger can step out on his hot wife like Elin, there’s no reason he can’t step out on her. Oddly enough, Melissa resolves to tell Brian if Lorena Bobbitt can whack off her husband’s dick, there’s no reason she can’t whack off his.

Susan Ferrazza resolves to continue to wear those really big glasses so that no one confuses her with Gabrielle Argie; and Gabrielle Argie resolves to pretend to be intelligent, so that no one confuses her with Susan Ferrazza.

Jane Sell and Maddie Klingman resolve to make certain that at least one week this season neither of their husbands will be on the Lady Bug List. I resolve that the earth will explode before that happens.

Mike Richuisa resolves to change his name so that it doesn’t get spelled wrong on the monitor, or he can simply resolve to stop bitching that his name is spelled wrong on the monitor. Either of those two options would be fine.

Ron Szuch resolves to make me take my family to one of his Florida condos. I resolve to accept his offer but instead raffle the condo off at the bowling banquet, which he’ll probably be too busy to attend.

Dawn Rossi resolves to let me pimp her out as an auction item at the bowling banquet. Greg Cira resolves to start the bidding at $3. I resolve to hold out until we get at least $4.

PJ Buynack resolves to contact each and every one of you trying to sell you one of the three remaining cruise cabins so that we can get to the number necessary for free booze. I resolve to speak highly of the three people who purchase those cabins, or better yet, not speak of them at all.

Yo Yo Naymick resolves to stop telling her fiancé Andrew Ryzner that he drinks too much; and Andrew resolves not drink more than a case of beer per day, give or take a twelve pack.

Amy Byrne resolves not to poison her husband Mark’s food in an attempt to collect on his insurance policy. You know what, let’s change that. Amy Byrne resolves to buy a large life insurance policy from Bill Davis, and then resolves to poison her husband.

Ryan McKinley resolves to stop wearing those T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities, on the outside chance that Edie Mellen wasn’t their teacher and they can actually read them. Regan McKinley resolves to stop buying her husband T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities even though she gets to use her 50% Klan discount on them.

Kathleen Getty and Liz Rudibaugh resolve to swap husbands every other Sunday night so that Patrick Getty doesn’t end up on the Lady Bug List. Both women also resolve not to “put out” for the other’s husband. Kathleen Getty will quickly break that resolution with Mr. Rudibaugh in the unmanned snack bar at Freeway Lanes.

Tina Brown resolves to at least try not to hate her husband. Mike Brown resolves to make Tina’s resolution impossible to carry out.

And most importantly, this year, I resolve to publish the book My Bowling League, Season One. And each of you will resolve to pay the $14.95 cover price the minute that book becomes available.

I’ll let you know when it’s time to bowl; because that's what I do.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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