This, That, and the Other

REALITY

I’m not one to pry into other people’s business, but every now and then I like to check up on the lives of my relatives. I was talking to my 24 year old niece last month, and being the caring uncle that I am, I inquired as to whether or not she was dating anyone. She quickly said “no I’m not seeing anyone and I don’t plan on seeing anyone.” I figured I touched a sore spot and decided to let it go. She’s not a homely girl and should be able to get a date every now and again, so my gut was telling me she probably has a ton of character flaws, or anger issues, or something along those lines. Nonetheless, I gracefully backed off.

It wasn’t until last week that things came into focus for me. I was doing a little creeping on Facebook; you know, checking up on all of my nieces and nephews, making sure that they’re not getting into trouble. I found every one of them, except for Catie, the 24 year old. Turns out, that after hopping around I see her picture in one of my nephew’s friends list; and she’s using an alias. I’m not going to divulge how I made my way onto her page, but suffice to say, Sherlock Holmes ain’t got nothing on me.

As I scoured her Profile, her Wall, her Photos, things became painfully clear; the girl needs professional help. I learned that she is seeing someone, a man she gleefully refers to as her “little Guido Rican.” It also became clear that she is trying to hide her 16 years of Catholic education, (that her parents are still paying off) and worse yet, disavow her Irish heritage. Thank god my dad’s not alive or this would kill him. I don’t have the heart to tell my brother that next month she plans to quit her job, her good job, a job for which she is over paid, and under-qualified. Her brilliant plan is to take out a huge loan and start a local reality TV show called Erie Shores. Apparently her name on the show is going to be Ms. Noogie and her boyfriend will be called The Destination. Well, if you ask me, her life’s destined for failure and misery, but like I said, I don’t like to pry, so I’d prefer if one of you told my brother.


If Erie Shores works, I’m starting the reality show “The Housewives’ of My Bowling League,” and yeah, there will be nudity.

THE FIRST MARTIN V INVITATIONAL OF 2010

I had a Martin V Invitational at the Sell’s house last weekend; I called it a Marty Gras, pretty clever huh? Anyhow, Dick Dongo was there and by golly he just keeps getting dumber. He was complaining about how tough his life is with all this travel he has to deal with, and blah, blah, blah. Anyhow, I asked him what his wife did while he was on the road. Now I’m guessing that every other guy on the planet would have at least looked over his shoulder before answering that question, but not Dickie D. I’m going to try and condense his response, but it went something like this:

“Susanna begins her day with a pot of coffee, followed by dropping the boy off at school. When she returns home, she drains another pot of coffee while she curls up and reads for a couple of hours. She then proceeds to sleep off the caffeine with a refreshing three hour nap. She wakes up about 1pm for the Young and the Restless, or whatever the soap opera is. During the commercials she vacuums; which technically takes two hours, it’s just not continuous. Then at 3pm she swings by the BP station for a 48 ounce coffee to get her to and from the drive to pick up Junior at school. Then it’s back to the couch for some Oprah till dinner time, which apparently is a Lean Cuisine for her and whatever the kids decide to make for themselves. Then Queen Susanna plops her tail back down on the couch for an evening of Lifetime Television Entertainment and a couple of bags of chocolate covered pretzels.”

Now I suppose I could have given him the high sign to tip him off that Susanna was standing behind him the whole time, but for whatever reason, I didn’t. As I watched her mouth begin to grit and her face turn an odd shade of purple, I decided that I would remind motor mouth that it was his wife’s birthday and he might want to cut her some slack. To which he replied “her birthday, I don’t give a shit about her birthday, every damn day of her life is her birthday, she doesn’t do shit.”


Dick Dongo may have thought that a rolling pin was a good birthday present, but I have a feeling he’s going to regret giving her that gift.

THE LAST MARTIN V INVITATIONAL OF 2009

By the way, I had another Martin V Invitational at PJ Buynack’s house at Christmas, and Dave and Diane Koski made their way onto the list. It wasn’t because Diane is my dentist; it was because Dave is PJ’s dentist. Anyhow, I learned a couple of interesting things that night. First, for some reason, one which I can’t actually explain, I mistakenly thought that Diane was Jewish. This new gentile information leaves me with a rather large dilemma; do I break my doctor, dentist, accountant, attorney, Hebrew only rule, or do I ditch Diane and go to the phone book and find the first Rabinowitz DDS that shows up? Fortunately, I only go to the dentist every 7 or 8 years so I’ve got some time.


Diane Koski is nice and all, but I’m thinking Stanley Rabinowitz is a much safer bet.

Another thing I learned was that Dave has decided that since Diane only works 32 hours a week, she should be considered part time. Therefore he pays her at an hourly rate of $8.25, and believe it or not, makes her punch a time clock. The worst part is that she has to use that money to buy groceries and household supplies. Which means that while Dave zips down the road and puts his 2 hour Harry Buffalo lunch on the company visa card, Diane is back at the office brown bagging it in between patients.

By the way, try not to schedule any appointments at their office during the winter; but if you do, make sure you park right next to Dave’s car. This cheap bastard refuses to spend money on rock salt so his parking lot is a sheet of ice from November until April; except of course that little trail of salt that goes from his car door to the back door of his building. I never thought I’d find a person who could make Chip Tighe look like a big spender, and truth be told, I still haven’t. At the same time, I never thought I’d meet someone as cheap as Chip, but thanks to Dave Koski, I have.



That tight-wad bastard Dave Koski prepares to frugally de-ice his parking lot.



Don't forget to watch Miz Noogie, coming this Fall


Marty Lynch
The King Pin




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