A Little More This and That

A LITTLE THIS

One of the new couples, Natalie and Irving Treibatch welcomed their first child into the world on January 16th. They have named their healthy 7lb. 6oz. son George, a family name on Natalie’s side. Irv called me yesterday to say that he kept the New Year’s resolution that I gave to him, and has already completed the DNA testing. He proudly reports that the boy is definitely his. Congratulations from all of us!


The curious young fella is clearly the spittin’ image of his dad.

A LITTLE THAT

Scott Mills called me the Thursday before bowling and asked if anybody needed subs, and by sheer coincidence, Brian Himmel had asked if the Mills were available. Finally, people having their shit together,…..or so I thought. Then at 4pm Sunday I get a text from Mills saying something “unavoidable” just came up, sorry, can’t make it. Apparently he thinks the Dee Dee Bondra rule doesn’t apply to subs.

I decided not to call him back and give him shit, but I started thinking; what does unavoidable mean? He could have said, people came in from out of town; forgot the kid had a game; I’ve got the flu. He could have even done what that idiotic wench Dawn Rossi did, saying she was surprised with tickets to a show at the last minute; but no not Mills, he says something unavoidable.

After a week, I can’t take it anymore, I‘ve got to know what was unavoidable. I decide to call his cell phone and asked him what happened. It was a shitty connection but I was pretty sure he said “me and the misses went out to Niagara, and won’t be back around for 36 hours.” That didn’t make any sense, why did he wait till the last minute to call me? Later that night I was watching TV when a commercial came on, and boom, I figured out what he said.



“Me and the misses tried out some Viagra, and it won’t go back down for 36 hours.”


A LITTLE THIS

I went over to watch the St. Paschal’s 8th grade basketball team play last Saturday morning. Chip Tighe and Tim Salcer are the coaches; and from time to time Chip gets upset with the CYO officiating. Now Tighe is a card carrying member of the Ohio High School Basketball Officials Association, so he is supposed to know the rules, but trust me, he’s absolutely clueless.

Anyhow, Chip thinks one of his players got fouled and starts screaming at the ref, and ultimately, proceeds to drop an F-bomb on the poor guy. The ref comes over to eject Chip from the game for using foul language; that’s when our little wussy boy Tighe tells the ref he didn’t say it; he points to Salcer and says “he yelled it.” So the ref tosses Tim out of the gym and makes him wait in the parking lot until the game is over. Now Salcer has to serve a three game suspension because of Tighe’s behavior. And I thought being his neighbor sucked.


Hey Chip go back and look at your manual, this is not a basketball hand signal.

A LITTLE THAT

You know what, speaking of Tim Salcer; the guy kind of irritates me. He’s one of those goody-two-shoes fellas, who’s always trying to do the right thing. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the guy swear, which I should point out is tough to do when you have twenty-five 8th grade kids on a football field all screwing around at the same time. But that’s not what really bugs me about the guy. The fact that the guy doesn’t own a T-shirt that he hasn’t cut the sleeves off, which he obviously does so he can walk around flexing for people all day, doesn’t bother me either. When he moved into his new 5 bedroom, 3,500 square foot home, this dick sent out those “I’ve Moved” postcards with a picture of him standing in front the place. It didn’t even bother me when I read the back of the post card saying that he registered at Crate and Barrel for anyone who would like to get him a house warming gift; what a d-bag.

I can deal with all that shit, but here’s what bugs me; I coached football at Paschal’s for 4 years, and the worst part about it was having to wait around every night for the parents to pick up their kids. However, my last year of coaching was Tim’s first year, and guess what? We never had to wait around for parents to pick up their kids, because once Salcer started coaching, all of the mom’s dropped off their kids, and oddly enough, decided to stay and watch the entire practice. Now the guy is like 28 years old, has little to no body fat, is somewhat attractive in an ugly sort of way, and has probably spent about $40,000 on his teeth. But let’s face it people, he’s still no Marty Lynch, and the fact that these old biddy’s overlooked a stud like me for a guy like Tim, who I should point out, is incapable of loving anyone other than himself, pisses me off.

So let me give you ladies a tip; a tip that Tim, the “self” proclaimed charming, eligible bachelor, appears to be far too kind to tell all of you old broads. A tip, which would be pretty damn obvious to you saggy breasted hags if you weren’t so damn delusional; he’s not looking for some 45 year old wrinkled-ass married woman who has to put 8 pounds of make up on just to look presentable. So unless you got it like Terry Hatcher’s got it, or like Courtney Cox got it, you better wake up and realize you ain’t in Cougar Town.


I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, I mean come on; Salcer ain’t got it like the King Pin got it. Hell, he should have been in the celebrity look-a-like blog.


By the way, Tim asked if I would be willing to link a couple of his YouTube dance videos on this blog. I was more than happy to honor his request. By the way, I’m sure some of your kids who played for him will enjoy these too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jVMDLIB0o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lN0gKTiWvQ&NR=1

A LITTLE THIS

Brian Kane can’t wait to go back on the Booze Cruise this year. Not simply because he does nothing but eat, drink and gamble all day, but rather, he enjoys making new friends. Brian must be a real guy’s guy because all the fella’s wanted to hang out with him by the pool. I suggest that those of you who haven’t signed up yet, get moving because you’re running out of time; and it is a great time!

Brian says that when he smothers his face in this area for 2 or 3 minutes, he can’t help but make new guy friends.

A LITTLE THAT

I hate beating a dead horse, but my god this Dick Dongo may be the dumbest person on the entire planet, if not the universe. I was talking to him about the earthquake in Haiti when he says that I should start texting some 90999 number because each time I do it the cellular company donates $10 to the relief effort. He then tells me he’s done it tons of times. I said to him, “you realize that the cellular company isn’t donating that money, you are.” He says “what are you talking about.” So I explain to him that each time he text’s that number, his cellular account is charged $10. You should have seen the look on his face when he said “you’re bullshitting me, right?” He obviously thinks I’m kidding, so I suggest he pick up the phone right now and call the cell company and find out what his current account balance is. I almost, that’s right, I almost felt bad for the guy when I heard him scream into the phone, $47,000…..$47,000…you’re out of your mind, I’m not paying you $47,000. I’m not sure what he’s going to do to get out of paying that bill, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Perhaps this is just what he needed to finally pull his head out of his ass and start paying attention to shit.


Yo Dickie D, this is no way to go through life.


With all my love,


Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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January 17, 2010 Recap

I’m in a pretty good mood, so I’m going to pass on putting TJ Sell on the Lady Bug List all by himself this week. This is pretty damn kind of me considering that his wife spent the entire night spanking that little sissy’s ass by 40 some pins. Now had Dave Miller not beaten his wife by one measly pin, I could have given Sell some company on the list, but I just don’t have the heart to single a guy out like that.


I wonder if Jane ever gets tired of this.

Not much went on last week, aside from Tom Rudibaugh celebrating his 90th birthday, making him the oldest current My Bowling Leaguer. Unfortunately, no one was aware that Regan McKinley also celebrated her birthday that night. The reason why no one knew is because Jane Jetson bought one of those big ass chocolate cakes from Costco, and passed it around to everyone.


Liz Rudibaugh showing Tom which direction to blow.

Ryan McKinley on the other hand, didn’t do dick for his wife. Now mind you, the guy hasn’t been married a year yet, and he’s already forgetting important shit. If this boy doesn’t see the light quickly, then I’m giving those nuptials two years tops, and I’m being generous.


Hey Ryan, just so you know, no one has ever gotten laid while in the dog house. Wise up pal!

Linda Carney edged out Edie Mellen for the honor of being this week’s King. Ironically, she did it by being 16 pins over average, and while drinking 16 Miller Lites; which I should point out, is only 2 beers over her average. Needless to say, Dee Dee Bondra will have to relinquish the sausage for the time being.


It looks like Linda “Martina” Carney may be back on the steroids.

Once again, Bill Weil is this week’s Queen. There wasn’t one guy even close to being as piss poor as Bill last week. In his defense, this week’s 18 pins under average wasn’t nearly as bad as his previous weeks 38 pin under average. Who knows, maybe Bill is slowly morphing into a guy.


Perhaps Bill Weil is beginning to make the transition back to manhood, but clearly, he’s not there yet.

I may be over looking a few things, but I’m sure I’ll be able to catch up next week.

Affectionately Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little Wife Swapping

Bowling Family Wanted for Wife Swap

I received this information yesterday and figured that I’d share it with the members of “My Bowling League.”

My name is Jeff Eggleston and I am a Casting Producer for ABC families hit reality show 'Wife Swap.' We are currently casting for our fifth season and we are looking for Bowling Families! (Ones that bowl together, or participate in competitive leagues, or families that own and/or operate a bowling ally)

The premise of Wife Swap is simple: for seven days, two wives from two different families with very different values exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover what it's like to live a different family's life. It's an interesting social experiment and a great way to see your family in a whole new light. It is shot as a documentary series, so NO scripts and no set. It's just one camera that is documenting your life.

Families that appear on the show will receive a financial honorarium of $20,000 for lost wages, time and commitment. And if you refer a family that appears on the show you would receive $1,000.

Here at 'Wife Swap' we look for a two-parent home with at least one child between the ages of 6 and 17 living at home full time.

If you are interested, please email me your contact information and tell me a little about your family and how the sport of bowling plays a roll in your lives. Or if you would like to refer a family, please email me their contact information and I will be in touch.

Thank you!

Jeff Eggleston

Casting Producer
RDF USA
100 6th Ave.3rd Floor, Suite 3 - 29
New York , NY 10013
tel: 646-747-7946

casting.jeff@gmail.com
http://www.rdfusa.com/shows.php
http://abc.go.com/primetime/wifeswap


Now as you can imagine, this got Ole Martin V a-thinking. Maybe we should do a little My Bowling League wife swapping of our own. I know for sure that there are at least a few of you wives who would be thrilled to unload your husband’s for a week; and it’s just possible that a few of you fella’s would kill for a chance to ditch your little beast of burden for even one day, let alone seven.

I pulled out the roster and started looking at some possible wife swaps that I could make, and I have to tell you, I’m having trouble getting the perfect match. Not to brag, but the problem isn’t with whom to place The King Pin; I mean for gods sakes I’m certain that any one of you chicks would be ecstatic to spend a week with me. The roadblock is the lovely Mrs. Lynch. Let’s face it; she’s no day at the beach. Now she may come across as being harmless, but remember I set this league up three years ago just to find her one friend, so that I wouldn’t have to spend as much time with her. And guess what? She still hasn’t found a friend, what’s that tell you?


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day one of wife swap

I’ll tell you exactly what would happen; on day one you will think you died and went to heaven. You will quickly realize that Sue is a bright, beautiful, and hilariously funny lady, and you’ll be trying to figure out a way to make the switch permanent. However, by the end of day two, I absolutely guarantee, you’ll be begging the Lord to save you from this living hell.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day two of wife swap

Here are but a few of the things you will learn. You will have to get up at 5:30 to put her coffee on because she won’t let you set the coffee timer the night before, just in case there’s a power outage. After the kids are out the door you can then start working the chores off the four page list she has put together for you. You’re not allowed to have the remote control, and you can’t sit on the couch if she’s already on it because she won’t be able to lie down.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch watching Real Housewives of Somewhere

There’s not even the slightest chance she’ll pick a kid up or drop a kid off that will solely be your job. You have to answer every phone call and bring her the handset, or make up a believable excuse so she doesn’t have to take the call. When you take a shower, she will turn the kitchen faucet on and off because for some reason those two water lines are together and she knows it will ruin the only chance you have to relax.


Everyone in the house is subject to Sue’s freezing/burning shower treatment

She will send you to the grocery store for one thing that you probably won’t even need that day. Then, as you lie your head down and begin to doze off, she will sneak up behind you and scream your name directly in your ear. Your eyes will jump wide open, your body will lunge forward, your heart will skip beats, and you’ll be panting like a dog. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will smile and say; “oh I thought you were awake,” then she’ll chuckle and wait for you to start dozing again.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch gently waking Ole Martin V from his 3 second nap

So let me just say this fella’s, I’ll swap with any and all of you, any time, but just remember, in My Bowling League, there are no backs, no Indian giving, none of that bullshit, all sales are final boys.

Oh, and by the way, I’m pretty sure that by now we all know the deal; but I’ll remind you nonetheless. The lovely Mrs. Lynch is not on the distribution list and won’t know anything about this posting, and you’ll not breathe a word of it.


See you on the trading block,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Mr. Know It All

I have found myself in the car quite a bit this week, and with that, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Mike Trivisonno on the radio. Now I’ve listened to this guy for however long he’s been doing his talk show, and I must have called him a big, fat, stupid dago a million times; but that’s only because he is. But lately, I have to tell you, he’s making a ton of sense to me. So I’ve been struggling to figure out if that makes me dumb, or does that simply make him, not as dumb as I thought?

Then yesterday, after he got done belittling some whiney, bleeding heart liberal, and bitch slapping some 80 year old lady, (both calls which I really enjoyed), he blurted something out that I wasn’t ready for. This Brush High School grease-ball, 10th grade drop-out said he was making $1.2 million a year. You heard me, $1.2 million, and all I could think was you gotta be kidding me. After I got done shaking my head, I realized the answer to my question was simple, yes that makes me dumb, and yes, he’s way smarter than I thought.


Trivisonno in the 10th grade, consuming 1.2 million calories per semester; and Trivisonno now, earning 1.2 million dollars per year....you gotta be kidding me.
.

It gets worse as I keep listening. He’s got strippers calling him on the phone wanting to hook up with him. He’s telling them to go to his website and post their big old boobies on-line and he’ll decide if they're worthy of his attention or not. It’s now that I realize, that not only am I dumb, but I am a complete and total over educated, under achieving, jerk-off loser too. I kicked the “Strippers” out of our bowling league because they failed to show up a couple of times; and this mullet wearing bastard has got them beating his door down so they can say “I met Mike Trivisonno.” So I immediately do what every other red-blooded Cleveland guy would do, I go to the WTAM website and try to check out these broads. And finally, finally, I felt a little better. While Trivisonno definitely has more strippers, pound for pound “My Bowling League” has way, way more talent.

A representative sampling of Trivisonno's Stripper's


The Ladies of "My Bowling League" matched up pound for pound against Trivisonno's harem....maybe I'm not as big a loser as I thought.

.

Anyhow, I’m told that every story, to be worthwhile, should have some kind of religious or spiritual moral to it. So here’s the one that I think we can all clearly take away from this. (granted, it’s a bit of a stretch, but what the hell) We have dozens of I-talians in this league, some short, some fat, some dumb, some illiterate, and some are all of the above; but I’m told, none of you guys are cheap. But the only way for us to find that out for sure, is if you guys start buying me beers. So unless you stingy bastards want me to start naming names, perhaps you should belly up to the bar and drop off a Bud Lite on your way back to the lanes.

Salute, or whatever it is you guys say,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

***P.S. - Please consider making a donation to the Linda Trivisonno Endowment Fund at the link posted below:...your contribution won't bring her back, but it may keep your loved ones with you a while longer!

https://www.uhgiving.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=872

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December 20, 2009 Recap

How about that? Everyone showed up to bowl on December 20, 2009. Not only that, but every team had a nice little Christmas gift that they wanted me to have as a token of their appreciation for all that The King Pin does for them. However, it does appear that each and every team was so eager to get to bowling that they all forgot to actually bring those gifts with them.

Anyhow, I had a chance to say hello to everyone at the lanes, with the one exception being, Tony Bondra. As I went through the bowling scores for that evening, I began to sense that perhaps Tony was intentionally avoiding me. My reasoning is that it turns out that we only have two Lady Bugs this week; Bill (Al Roker) Davis, and Tony Bondra. I can certainly understand Bill having an off night; I mean let’s face it, his arm was sore after signing all those autographs.


Looks like Bill Davis is signing someone’s bowling score sheet

I’m not sure why Tony couldn’t hit his average in any of the three games he bowled that night; but what I do know is that his wife Dee Dee absolutely crushed the poor bastard. Not only did she beat his ass into Lady Bugdom, she also bowled her way to being this week’s My Bowling League King. Dee Dee was a blistering 26 pins over average and gets to play with the sausage until some other manly ma’am is able to pry it away.

Many people have told me that Dee Dee and Tony are a great couple, and that they are perfect for each other. I’ve heard that they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentence. Sherry Tighe even went as far as saying “they are both such wonderful people, that when I think of Dee Dee I can’t help but think of Tony and vise versa. In fact, I refer to them as one person, and call them D.D.T.”


I’m guessing this is how Sherry pictures D.D.T. I contend this is what happens when you inhale too much DDT.

Getting back to manly, Maddie Klingman has had the sausage for well over a month, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Mrs. Bondra to lay a little disinfectant on that fella. Another manly performance was turned in by our new face of the league Jane Jetson-Rudibaugh who was 22 pins over average. I’m not gonna say Liz’s scores were cosmic, or out of this world, because that’s what any one of you losers would probably come up with. Rather, I would just like to offer a warning to Tom Rudibaugh to watch out because if his wife keeps improving like this sooner or later, she gonna be shoving her Venus up Uranus.



You didn't actually think I would put a picture of that did you?

This would bring us to something we haven’t discussed yet this year; The Queen. I admit that I am surprised that none of you dudes have mentioned this to me. Perhaps if you guys weren’t bowling like gals I would have heard something by now. Anyhow, this week’s winner of the My Bowling League Queens crown goes to a familiar girly-man from last year, Bill Weil. Congratulations sweetie, your 38 pins under average was the most pitiful performance turned in by a “male” bowler this year.


Bill was actually eager to pose for this photo.

With love oozing out of me,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little This, A Little That

A LITTLE THIS

Let’s clear something up real quick, when I tell you that I’ve taken my wife off of the blog distribution list and that you’re not suppose to say a word to her about anything in the blog; that means that Hope Reimer should keep her extremely large mouth shut.

I put together a small, last minute Martin V. Invitational New Years Eve party at the home of Dick Dongo and his wife Susanna Longo. The only reason Hope even got an invite at all is because my wife said I couldn’t just invite Mike Reimer and not his wife. Anyhow, Hope tells the lovely Mrs. Lynch that she read the blog and that I was mean to Dave and Mimi Miller simply because I resolved that they should get a personality or something like that.

Listen closely people, the reason why Sue is no longer on the distribution list is clear; I don’t want to hear her bitching, nor do I want her editing my content and telling me who I have to apologize to. If I start apologizing to the Miller’s, then I have to apologize to the Brown’s, then the Bondra’s, and everybody else, and I’m not doing it.

Instead, let’s do this; I apologize to everyone for anything that has ever been said in the past and for everything that I may say in the future. We good now? Furthermore, I’m pretty sure that I have stated on more than one occasion, if you don’t want to be identified in the blog, just let me know. It can’t get any more simple than that.


The invited Reimer, (left) and his blabber mouth wife.

A LITTLE THAT

Speaking of the Mr.Dongo/Mrs. Longo gathering, let me just say that it was yet another Ole Martin V successful event. I convinced Susanna that she shouldn’t go to any trouble cooking up any of those spicy Italian dishes of hers, and instead, have the evening catered. This thankfully meant that no one’s a-hole would be on fire on January 1st. Nonetheless, it was a sweet spread, and everything was great! The only complaint that anyone had was, that come mid-night, the pervert Terry Wise tried to slip everyone’s wife the tongue and it kind of grossed the ladies out. Now, this obviously had to be a small gathering, in fact, a very small gathering because I could only invite people that Dongo hadn’t pissed off in the last year or so. At this rate, I’m gonna guess that if I don’t step in and do something this party will be even smaller next year.

So this is what The King Pin has decided to do in an attempt to reduce the fall out and “possibly” increase the size of next year’s Dongo/Longo party. On January 17, 2010, My Bowling League will be holding a Nick/Dick Longo/Dongo Trivia Night. For those of you who actually read the emails over the last couple of years, my guess is you’ll do well. Dickie Dongo himself will be passing out Freeway Lanes bar gift certificates to the lucky winners.


For some reason Terry Wise creeped the ladies out a little bit.

A LITTLE THIS

Chip Tighe did it again. I told him that my snow plow guy wouldn’t have his truck ready for another week. Which I guess is the same thing as saying, “hey Chip why don’t you steal my snow shovel so that I have to use my 6” kitchen broom to sweep the 9” of snow off my driveway?” This time Tighe made a mistake. Jamie Pilla pulled by Chip’s house in, I believe his December, though possibly his January Mercedes, just as Tighe finished clearing his drive. That asshole Chip just couldn’t contain his glee over his recent act of coveting thy neighbor’s goods, and he told Pilla everything; beginning with how he came over my house last week to drop off some of his cheap, nasty smelling, shitty home-made wine; and then how he snuck into the garage, unlocked the garage window, and put the shovel right next to it; only to come back in the dead of night to snatch it.

Now if you’ve met Jamie, you surely know that he can be an even bigger asshole than Chip; but to be fair, probably no bigger an ass than say 95% of the members of My Bowling League. Nevertheless, Pilla had one of those rare, though perfectly timed, acts of kindness, as he called his snow plow guy and sent him over to my house to clear my driveway. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to canonize Pilla, and I realize what Jamie should have done was bought me a brand new John Deere 400 horsepower sit-down riding mower with the easy lift snow plow attachment, but after all, that may have made Pilla something other than an asshole, and God forbid, jeopardize that hard earned reputation of his.


And Tighe thinks this is funny.

A LITTLE THAT

I’m looking for volunteers who want to participate in this year’s Cleveland St. Patrick’s Day Parade on March 17, 2010. My Bowling League will have marchers in this year’s parade dressed handsomely as bowling pins. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will be volunteering to make the costumes, but I haven’t told her yet……………understand? I’m sure that some of you big spenders would like to help sponsor the My Bowling League hospitality suite at some downtown hotel. By the way, my brother-in-law Henry has volunteered to be either the 7 or 10 pin because he sees them all the time; and Dawn Rossi has begged, I mean begged me to allow her to be the head pin. I’d like to assure all of the ladies that Dawn has not been given that position and that I will be holding private auditions for that coveted spot. More details to follow.


You guys are gonna look great!

A LITTLE THIS

By the way, my son Tom went back to college this weekend. He goes to a school called St. Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota. Sue and I knew it was minus 36 degrees there and we gladly put him on a plane and sent him back; then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. We’re still trying to figure out if we laughed because he’s a thoughtless shitty kid and deserves to freeze his ass off, or if we’re thoughtless shitty parents and that’s just what thoughtless shitty parents do. Either way, I don’t care, it’s already more peaceful around here.


I'm wondering if we should call to see if he made it back.

A LITTLE THAT

One last thing, if you butt heads think that I have time on my hands, check this out. There are a couple of guys who have, what I guess you’d call, legitimate bowling blogs. They actually talk about bowling stuff, they offer pointers on how to select a bowling ball or a pair of shoes, and these dudes are writing and linking all kinds of shit every day. Now I don’t know if that is of any interest to you folks but I put the links right above Ole Martin V’s Daily Words of Wisdom. And for all you people who spend your day on Facebook playing FarmVille or Bejeweled, I have kindly given you a link to some on-line bowling games. Perhaps this will break up the monotony of Mafia Wars or Café World. As usual, here we have The King Pin once again trying to make your pathetic lives just a little more enjoyable.

.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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Some New Year's Resolutions.......For You.

As your trusted King Pin, I would like to wish everyone a joyous and prosperous New Year, and state emphatically that I pray for nothing but the very best for each and every one of you. (you can choose to believe that if you wish) As I reflect on the happenings of 2009, the inauguration of Barak Obama leaps out at me. As we all know, elections have consequences; some are coincidental, and some, well maybe not so much. For example the four teams that “chose” (wink, wink) not to return, all happened to be ardent and vocal supporters of our new president. Coincidence?

Anyhow, as it appears that our president, a.k.a., Bo Rock Yo Momma knows what’s best for us; I began to realize that I too, know what’s best for you guys. So with that in mind, I have decided that I will not be asking any of you what your New Year’s resolution is; oh contraire, I will be telling you what your resolution will be. Furthermore, your future/continuous membership in My Bowling League will depend on your successful adherence to whatever I have decided is best for you. Should your name not appear on this random listing, you are either an afterthought, or I’ve already decided to get rid of you next season.

Therefore:

Abigail Sirselle resolves to stop shaving Jim Sirselle’s balls every week, and Jim Sirselle resolves not to shave Abigail’s mustache every day.

Andy Mellen resolves to work at least one full 8 hour day this year. Which means he’s going to have to stop working for Cuyahoga County and get a private sector job. Art teacher Edie Mellen resolves to teach just one Euclid High School student, just one thing, that they could actually use on a 10th grade proficiency exam.

Bill Weil resolves to never lose a single game of bowling to his mother-in-law, let alone be so pitiful as to lose 3 games in one night. Likewise, Beth DeBaggis resolves to never say to her daughter Heather how disappointed she is that she has such a pussy for a son-in-law.

Mark Byrne resolves to wear a ballerina dress to bowling so that he looks more natural when he releases the ball. To put Byrnes at ease, Terry Wise resolves not to arouse himself by looking up Mark’s dress.

Sue Lynch resolves not to cut people off on the highway, and Andrew Ryzner, Greg Cira, Tom Rudibaugh, Tony Bondra, Dale Politi, Greg Ferrazza, and Jim Klingman resolve not to call me to inform me what a shitty driver my wife is.

Jennifer Cira resolves to wear that special bra that her husband Greg got her for Valentine’s Day, so that her A-cupper’s can be transformed into what appear to be C-cupper’s; and Cindy Lembach resolves to pretend to be impressed by Jennifer’s new found cleavage.

Mayor Scott Coleman resolves to call the Regional Income Tax Authority and have them forgive the $579.83 that I now owe them because he thought raising local income taxes was a great idea. Councilman Scott Mills resolves to begin accepting bribes like every other decent politician in Cuyahoga County does.

Kate Gavin resolves to bring George Costanza with her to bowling because he always had the decency to buy me a beer, and she has yet to show that same generosity.

Carla Bondra resolves to teach George Argie how to talk more, and George Argie resolves to teach Carla Bondra how to talk less; and each and every one of us resolve to pray that George is more successful.

Dee Dee Bondra resolves to get her team to show up every week to bowl, and I resolve to keep giving Dee Dee shit even if she gets her team shows up every week to bowl.

Chip Tighe resolves not to lurk around my house trying to catch a peek of my wife getting out of the shower and into her underwear, and I resolve to never again say Sue is taking a shower when Chip asks me what my wife is doing.

Maria Gaeta resolves to return the naming rights to the Sausage, along with the actual hardware; and Phil Gaeta resolves to concentrate a little more so that perhaps his “software” might be mistaken for hardware by his wife.

Bill Davis resolves to either sell at least one insurance policy this year, or learn how to stand out in the cold and deliver a weather report. Michelle Davis resolves to get used to Bill not being around the house at 6 and 11pm week nights.

Sue Wise resolves to stop talking as though she’s being paid for every syllable she utters. Similarly, Mike Reimer resolves to be udder-less by the end of 2010.

Brian Kane resolves to get is doctors license so that after 18 years of avoiding apprehension, he can finally practice his profession of optometry legally. Cristen Kane resolves to go on-line and obtain a bogus doctors license so that after 18 years avoiding apprehension, her husband can sort of practice his profession of optometry legally.

Linda Carney resolves to hold all of her family reunions at a local chapter AA meeting, so that all the Carney’s can kill two birds with one stone.

Dick Dongo resolves to change his reputation so that each time his name is spoken; the first response won’t be “what did the asshole do this time.” Likewise, Susanna Longo resolves to only make food that when eaten, my asshole’s first response won’t be “what the hell did she put in that shit.”

Natalie Treibatch resolves to agree to DNA testing once her baby is born; so that the rumors that it’s not her husband Irving’s kid will be put to bed quickly; or perhaps confirmed expeditiously.

Jennifer Creech resolves to stop using her husband’s jock itch, even though he has no use for it, and Matt Creech resolves to stop using his wife’s eyeliner even though the color is much better on him.

Ann Marie Mills and Martha Coleman resolve to stop making excuses for their dumb ass husbands every time they do something stupid at a city council meeting. Which I’m pretty sure would be every meeting.

Sherry Tighe resolves to stop asking The King Pin to come over and render his opinion every time she buys a new pair of thong panties; and The King Pin resolves to continue to claim it happens at least twice a month.

Dave Miller resolves to come up with a personality this year. He then resolves to give half of that personality to his wife Mimi. This way, by the end of the year, both of them will at least have some personality.

Katy Profeta resolves to say at least one kind thing about her husband this year. Mike Profeta resolves not to hold his breath waiting for that to happen.

TJ Sell resolves to leave our waitress Michelle a tip this year. Michelle the waitress resolves to pull a Mike Profeta and not hold her breath waiting for that to happen.

Karen Politi resolves to no longer put marijuana in any of her baking that she brings to bowling. Drinking 14 beers in 3 hours makes driving home tough enough for me as is.

Chiropractor extraordinaire John Bondra resolves not to make every female patient completely disrobe so that he can simply examine her neck. Furthermore, foot doctor Chip Tighe resolves to stop offering free pelvic exams to his 80 year old Medicare patients.

Brian Himmel resolves to let his wife Melissa know that if Tiger can step out on his hot wife like Elin, there’s no reason he can’t step out on her. Oddly enough, Melissa resolves to tell Brian if Lorena Bobbitt can whack off her husband’s dick, there’s no reason she can’t whack off his.

Susan Ferrazza resolves to continue to wear those really big glasses so that no one confuses her with Gabrielle Argie; and Gabrielle Argie resolves to pretend to be intelligent, so that no one confuses her with Susan Ferrazza.

Jane Sell and Maddie Klingman resolve to make certain that at least one week this season neither of their husbands will be on the Lady Bug List. I resolve that the earth will explode before that happens.

Mike Richuisa resolves to change his name so that it doesn’t get spelled wrong on the monitor, or he can simply resolve to stop bitching that his name is spelled wrong on the monitor. Either of those two options would be fine.

Ron Szuch resolves to make me take my family to one of his Florida condos. I resolve to accept his offer but instead raffle the condo off at the bowling banquet, which he’ll probably be too busy to attend.

Dawn Rossi resolves to let me pimp her out as an auction item at the bowling banquet. Greg Cira resolves to start the bidding at $3. I resolve to hold out until we get at least $4.

PJ Buynack resolves to contact each and every one of you trying to sell you one of the three remaining cruise cabins so that we can get to the number necessary for free booze. I resolve to speak highly of the three people who purchase those cabins, or better yet, not speak of them at all.

Yo Yo Naymick resolves to stop telling her fiancé Andrew Ryzner that he drinks too much; and Andrew resolves not drink more than a case of beer per day, give or take a twelve pack.

Amy Byrne resolves not to poison her husband Mark’s food in an attempt to collect on his insurance policy. You know what, let’s change that. Amy Byrne resolves to buy a large life insurance policy from Bill Davis, and then resolves to poison her husband.

Ryan McKinley resolves to stop wearing those T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities, on the outside chance that Edie Mellen wasn’t their teacher and they can actually read them. Regan McKinley resolves to stop buying her husband T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities even though she gets to use her 50% Klan discount on them.

Kathleen Getty and Liz Rudibaugh resolve to swap husbands every other Sunday night so that Patrick Getty doesn’t end up on the Lady Bug List. Both women also resolve not to “put out” for the other’s husband. Kathleen Getty will quickly break that resolution with Mr. Rudibaugh in the unmanned snack bar at Freeway Lanes.

Tina Brown resolves to at least try not to hate her husband. Mike Brown resolves to make Tina’s resolution impossible to carry out.

And most importantly, this year, I resolve to publish the book My Bowling League, Season One. And each of you will resolve to pay the $14.95 cover price the minute that book becomes available.

I’ll let you know when it’s time to bowl; because that's what I do.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Celebrity Look a Likes Phase 3

Well, the meddler is back. Last week, the lovely Mrs. Lynch told me that it’s possible that some of the pictures I post and the captions I use might hurt people’s feelings. So before I get too far into this, I’d like to put that notion to rest by publishing a photo with a caption showing that I am more than capable of coming to the defense of any past or present member of My Bowling League.


This is NOT, I repeat, this is NOT Mike Brown
Serenading Neil Gavin

My beautiful bride of 21 years also said that I should just pick a man and a woman who look like somebody and make them the celebrity look-a-likes for My Bowling League, and be done with this weekly thing. So I’ll do exactly what the typical person saddled with an extremely high I.Q. would do, that being, precisely what she told me to do.

Unfortunately, since the meddler gave me those instructions, no one has really jumped out at me; but there are a couple of league members I feel are worth looking into. For example, it may be possible to make a case for both George Argie and Liz Rudibaugh being celebrity look-a-likes. I'm not saying that these are strong cases, but keep in mind; I can only work with what I got.

So, because I couldn’t come up with stronger resemblances elsewhere, these two will be the league's leading man and leading lady. Trust me, I'm not thrilled to make either of these two the "face" of the league, but in the end it could actually be an upgrade. After all, while George Argie doesn't strike anyone, and I mean anyone, as a genius, he’s nowhere near as dense as anyone from our neighboring dumb, fat and happy, ass-backwards St. Greg’s league; whom I should point out are lovely people, keeping in mind, most hillbillies are lovely, in a stupid sort of lazy way.


I'm just now realizing the enormity of George Argie's skull; or could it be that Andy Dick just has a good old fashioned peanut head ?

The obvious drawback with George is that he’s not quite as boisterous as Andy Dick, and for the thing to work he’s going to have to actually speak. I’m not worried about him having to say anything funny right away; we’ll take baby steps with him. I don’t want to make myself out to be a great acting coach, but I’m confident that by the end of the season I can get George to tell a pretty decent knock-knock joke.

As for Liz Rudibaugh, well, I never really cared for people who struggle to break 100, and then feel perfectly comfortable blaming the ball, or the lane, or the damn room temperature for their keggling ineptitude. Now, while she’s a bit of a sour puss, and a tad stand-offish, I can personally vouch for her being very, well let’s make that somewhat, well actually, she’s just marginally friendly.



Liz Rudibaugh and the ageless Jane Jetson both go through three cans of Aquanet hair spray every morning.

As you can see, the problem here is that Liz already looks older than Mrs. Jetson. And although she may be able to pull off this ruse for a year, perhaps two, after that, there won’t enough botox on the planet to keep her face as smooth as Jane Jetson’s.

Alright people, it’s time for me to go, I’m happy to report that I’ve made plenty of new friends this year. You can expect to hear from me again, if for no other reason, than to offer you Mensa members your weekly reminder to show up to bowl on the proper Sunday.

And by the way, I don’t care what the meddler says; she ain’t the boss of me and I ain’t afraid of her. So if I find more celebrity look-a-likes I’m blogging them. But keep in mind, I’ve removed the lovely Mrs. Lynch from the blog notification list, so if it’s all the same to you, let’s just keep this last paragraph between us.

With sugar plums dancing in my head,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Bowling Recap from 12-6-09

Let’s go over a couple of highlights from the most recent night of bowling. Many of you wisely took advantage of the opportunity to buy The King Pin a beer last week, and as it turned out every team that told the waitress “yes I’d love to buy The King Pin a beer’” ended up winning a $10 bar certificate. Now there was a team headed by Linda Carney and PJ Buynack that asked the waitress to tell me to “pound salt.” I’m not exactly certain what that means, but I do know that it doesn’t mean yes, get the man a beer. Oddly enough, they were the only participants who did not get a gift certificate. A coincidence perhaps, but more likely, perhaps not.

If Linda and PJ were just a little more charitable
those beers wouldn’t have cost them a penny

I’d like to recognize Audrey Cercelle for adhering to the Dee Dee Bondra Rule, even before she knew it was a rule. Audrey was the only one on her team able to make it, so did she call me at the last minute asking me to bail her out? No, she wisely found three of her bimbo friends and brought them with her. That people, is how you handle shit like that. Speaking of these bimbo’s, Mark Byrne asked me if these girls were the replacements for the “Strippers.” The answer is a resounding no; I intend to step things up and replace the Strippers with a group that will be referred to as the Hooker’s. Stay tuned for that one. By the way, out of respect for Mark’s courage to seek public office, we will no longer refer to him as the “the dog trainer,” so going forward he shall bear the title of what seemingly cost him the election, “the sheep herder.”

Abigail Sirselle (left) and her bimbo friends
Marie Curtis, Cheryl Delisio, and Ann Cappello
and no, these are not replacements for the Stripper’s

Let’s talk Sausage. Sherry Tighe came very close to swinging the meat this week, and had she just been at her average in the third game I’d be strapping the sausage on her right now. But since she didn’t, Maddie Klingman gets to keep the beef for a while. Maddie crushed her average by 19 pins per game and therefore, gets to keep using the urinal in the men’s room. If she does it again, I’m going to get her a My Bowling League jock strap, a 16 pounder of course.

Maddie Klingman (center) continues to be head and

shoulders above the rest of the ladies in the league

I believe that brings us to the Lady Bug List; yet I’m really not sure how to approach this. In the past I’ve listed people in order by how badly their wife beat them. This time I’m going to use total pins so that we all know just how poorly you fella’s did. The manliest of our Lady Bugs is, surprisingly, Patrick Getty, followed by repeat performer’s TJ Sell and Jim Klingman. That leads us to the Lady Bug with this week’s biggest vajayjay, Dave Miller, who spent all night mustering up a scrotumless 290 pins. Now Dave Miller is a pretty common name, so I have placed his actual league photo below, just so that you don’t confuse him with some other Dave Miller you might know.

Dave Miller of “The Eliminators”

shown from the waist up because

he’s got nothing from the waist down

.

Now I’ve never done this before and I don’t like doing this now, but it just makes sense to reuse this photo.

Maddie Klingman (center) and this week’s collection of Lady Bugs

.

Fondly,

.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

.

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Tiger's Wood

I must admit that this whole (also pronounced hole and/or ho) Tiger Woods thing has now got me more than a tad confused. Not because it’s hard to understand why he would leave an already bought and paid for hot blonde at home, and then head out and bang a bunch of skanks, that in one way shape or form, are gonna cost him money. There could be hundreds of reason why she “drove” him away. Perhaps she’s a flat out bitch, maybe she has a perpetual headache, who knows, it might even be the result of nasty lady hygiene. That shit isn’t perplexing, hell, Jennifer Aniston is way hot and has tons of cash; most guys would kill for a shot at that life. Yet, there have been a dozen guys, who for what ever reason, have decided they no longer wanted to nail her, and they dumped our girl Rachael Green and moved on to some other babe.

No, what’s got me confused is whether or not I should make Tiger my new idol. After all, what guy can have 15 hookers roll around on him in his own private orgy? And then do it every weekend; it’s hard to fault a guy for that. But the question remains, is it idol worthy? In a recent Tiger Woods discussion with the lovely Mrs. Lynch, I must admit that I bailed on Tiger as quick as I could. I found it advantageous to feign my disgust for such abhorrent behavior, all the while marveling at his antics and relishing the possibility. I will make another confession; I bail on every guy if it makes my wife think I’m a little less of a dick head than I truly am.

As you can see this month long scandal has taken its toll on Tiger

As many of you can imagine, living next to Chip Tighe is no picnic, but, truth be told, I get more action because of his poor actions, than I could ever have gotten on my own. When you couple that with Mike Reimer living three doors down, all of a sudden, Ole Martin V doesn’t look so bad. Not a day goes by that I don’t tell my wife how lucky she is not to be married to one of those guys. I then proceed to tell her some stupid thing they did and point out that I would never have done that/said that/thought that, to or about my wife.

.

Ole Martin V can’t help but look good as

Mike Reimer and Chip watch Sherry and

Hope spruce up the Tighe back yard

What woman wouldn’t be happy to be

married to one of those two studs?

Okay, I regressed a little bit, back to should Tiger be my idol. As I piece things together, I realize that he isn’t doing anything that I couldn’t do given his situation, in fact, I’d do it better. Let’s face it, the guys got a billion dollars and the best he can do is marry a Swedish baby-sitter. He didn’t marry Ms. Sweden; he couldn’t even score Ms. Stockholm for god’s sake. Then I find out that his wife has a twin sister. I guarantee with that kind of dough, I’d have easily gotten a package deal. As for the 15 member orgy, that’s no big shake, I’d have bought 50. The most irritating thing about that is what kind of guy buys a dozen plus broads for the weekend and doesn’t bring a friend. What a selfish son of a bitch.

As for this crazy talk about him being a sex addict, well I’m not buying that either. If you’re an alcoholic, you’re not picky; you’ll drink any kind of liquor. If he were a sex addict, he’d let anybody gnaw on his bone. He wouldn’t restrict his “driver” to just Denise the waitress, a real addict would lay the wood on Dennis the bus boy too. And how come he never got around to popping a black chick? I’ll tell you why, it’s because not only is our fake sex addict a sexist, but he’s a racist bastard too.

I’ve had enough, the answer is clear, Tiger is not my idol. I’m sticking with Hugh Hefner. Hef does it right; he never has to leave the house because broads come to him for free. I should point out that these terribly hot babes of all racial and ethnic backgrounds are not six years younger than him, ala Tiger Woods; no these hotties are sixty years younger. And when have you ever heard of Hef not sharing his stable with the rest of the fella’s? You’ve never heard that because it’s never happened; Hugh is a Christian and doesn’t believe in greed, he’d rather spread things around to make other people’s lives just a little better. I’m now embarrassed that I even thought of making the switch to Tiger, and I vow never to even consider bailing on Hugh Hefner again, because he is a true American Idol.

I’m pretty sure a caption is unnecessary

Keeping it real,

.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

.

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CHIP TIGHE SAYS IT'S NOT EASY BEING TIGER

http://www.allleftturns.com/tasteless-yet-addictive-tiger-woods-game

Celebrity Look a Likes Phase 2

Once I got past the Richuisa-Ripkin thing, my mind had to churn pretty hard to find my next possible pair of look-a-likes. I methodically went through every person on every team, over and over, yet no one jumped out at me. However, each time I thought about Bill Davis, the hapless insurance sales schmuck from the perennial bottom-feeding team “Blew Balls,” something pulled at me. Bill reminded me of someone, but I just couldn’t place it. This went on for days, then last Friday morning, I got up and was watching that Matt Lauer show and BOOM, wham, bam, thank you ma’am, it hit me. I was right; these two were dead ringers!

Bill Davis and his brother from another mother Al Roker

My jubilance faded quickly when I realized what I’m sure is obvious to all of you. I couldn’t use these two as my Hollywood celebrity look –a-likes because, as everyone knows, Al Roker is from New York, not Hollywood. It probably wouldn’t have mattered anyhow; Bill would never have been able to pull it off because he doesn’t know shit about doing the weather. Come to think of it, I’m not too sure Bill knows shit about insurance either. This Rhodes Scholar has been telling all of his customers not to renew their health insurance policy’s because Obama is going to give everyone health care coverage. I don’t have the heart to tell Billy Boy that he’ll be out of a job as soon as that happens. The good news for Davis is that not only will McDonald’s give him a free hat, but he’ll also get a complimentary Happy Meal at the end of his shift. Not to mention that his sales pitch will be much easier; I mean how tough is it to say, “you want fries with that?”

Anyhow, though devastated, I nonetheless realized that my search must continue, but first, I thought I should work on this weeks bowling recap blog. However, when I got to the part about the Lady Bugs, I saw a familiar name, Jim Klingman. Like Richuisa and Davis, Jim is a tad hairless. So I thought, what bald person does he look like? Mr. Clean, no Klingman could never be described as well kempt. Sinead O’Conner, no Klingman could never be described as thin. Bruce Willis, no Klingman could never be described as cool. I had to start focusing on bald guys who were bad dressers, were slightly to grossly overweight, and had trouble carrying on a conversation beyond the 6th grade level. My Google search with those parameters instantly came back with just two people; Jim Klingman, and Joe the Plumber.

Joe the Plumber's 15 minutes of fame are over

Jim Klingmans Lady Bug fame may go on forever

Yet here we are again, no Hollywood connection whatsoever, in fact both of these guys were born and raised in the great Buckeye state. That got me to thinking; have two Ohioan’s have ever starred in the same movie? I don’t think so, but if these two did star in a movie together, I wonder if they would call it Dumb and Plumber.

Obviously I’ve gotten a little side-tracked; it’s time to get to work on the bowling blog. You’ll be getting your reminder email soon telling you that we bowl this Sunday.

My search will continue,


Marty Lynch

The King Pin

To recieve blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!