Back to Bowling

I want to take this opportunity to calm everyone’s fears; no one, and I mean no one, has ever crashed a My Bowling League function. We take the safety and security of our members very seriously. If your name does not appear on the screen when you show up; or if you can not find it in the system; or if the King Pin does not personally grant you permission to participate, then guess what……you don’t bowl. Not to brag, but clearly I had the foresight to anticipate every worst case scenario that could possibly jeopardize the well-being of our greatest resource; you, the people who provide me with my material.

Moving on, I would like to take a moment to cover a couple of things I learned at bowling last week. First, my new teammate Dawn Rossi sucks, and I’m not talking like she used to in the 9th grade, I’m talking bowling here. While Gabrielle Argie’s 51 still remains as the all-time shittiest score ever recording in the history of My Bowling League, Dawn’s 59 is this year’s most dismal showing. I could probably live with the shit score if Dawn simply didn’t talk nonstop. My god she couldn’t be any more annoying if she tried. When, of all people, Carla Bondra walked by and said, “holy shit that Rossi broad won’t shut up,” it became pretty clear that she talked way too god damn much. If you don’t know who I’m talking about; Dawn is the one who fancies herself as the next Anna Nicole Smith, only drunker.

Anna Nicole Smith, just a little tipsy

Dawna Nicole Rossi, just a little passed out

When my other lady teammate Sherry Tighe struck out in the 10th frame, and I saw the XXX on the scoreboard, I must confess, I did have a deja vu moment. Sub-conciously there's must have been a time or two that I've pictured the name Sherry Tighe XXX in bright flashing neon lights. Though, if my recollection is correct, those neon lights I pictured appeared on a theater marquee, and actually read Now Showing “My Naughty Neighbor Sheri XXX.” Anyhow, I don’t want to make myself sound like some creepy pervert who thinks about Sherry in porno movie’s, because I don't....... ;-)

The lovely Mrs. Lynch thought

it would behoove me to put no

photo here.

As promised, and thanks to Greg Cira, the Lady Bug List is back. For those who have forgotten how one makes it onto this list, the necessary criteria are clearly spelled out below:

1) Be a man…..correction, be a male member of the league. 2) Roll a series that is lower than the series of your legally wedded wife, or the person that you typically fornicate with. 3) Fail to buy me a beer….recent update, two beers that Sunday.

With that in mind, I’d like to welcome this weeks Four Lady Bugs.

TJ Sell, a regular on last year’s Lady Bug List, got as close to not being on this week’s list as ever before, as he rolled a 397 series to his wife Jane’s 398. I hated having to include him, but despite my tireless lobbying efforts, the Rules Committee wouldn’t budge; sorry Sell, I did my best.

Jim Klingman, TJ’s teammate and another regular Lady Bug from last year, got bent over by his wife in all three games. If he keeps this shit up the other chicks are gonna start inviting “him” to Tupperware and lingerie parties.

Fittingly, Greg Cira made this week’s list as well. I’m guessing that once he fully recovers from that damn near season ending cellophane injury, we won’t be seeing him, on the list again.

Greg Cira showing off his

surgically repaired finger.

Last on this week’s list is a newbie to the league; Matt Creech. His wife Jennifer gave him a thrashing that wasn’t pleasant to watch. Most of you folks have probably seen, but have yet to meet Matt. He’s the real pretty fella on Bill Weil’s team; and by pretty I mean, the kind of guy that the typical Mansfield prison inmate would get all giggly about. Here’s a little advise Matt; obey the law, and enjoy being on the Lady Bug list. It’s way better to be on this list, then to be on Bubba and Leroy’s list. Don’t take my word for it; just ask Andy Mellen, he’ll definitely confirm it.

This is how Matt looks on the Lady Bug List

This is how Matt looks on Leroy’s list

Since we’re bringing back the Lady Bugs, it seems only fitting that we bring back the Weekly Sausage as well. If you recall, at last years banquet Maria Gaeta won not only a living, breathing sausage, but more importantly, the right to finally give our sausage a name. At first she told me that she wanted to name the sausage Big Phil; I told her no, you can’t give the sausage your husband’s name. She quickly said she didn’t, and that she now refers to her husband as Little Phil. Nonetheless, I said no. I called her a month later to see if she came up with a new name; she was very excited and said “yes, I now call it My Pool Boy.” I told her that’s not a name that’s an occupation. She said I’m wrong because one week she called it my pool boy Fernando, then she called it my pool boy Hector, then she went with my pool boy Biff. Maria began to giggle, and blush with a bit of embarrassment as she whispered; “now I call him my pool boy Jamaal.”

Maria and her “Pool Boy”

I immediately did what any King Pin worth his crown would do; I confiscated the naming rights from Maria and quickly decided that I will name the damn thing myself.

Anyhow, the Weekly Sausage is awarded to the female bowler who bowls the highest number of pins over her average; thereby making her pretty much a dude, minus the meat of course. So, in recognition of this manly performance, the league is kind enough to award her, for lack of better term, the missing link. This week, like weeks in the past, we have two winners. Both Maddie Klingman and a sandbagging newbie, Regan McKinley were 29 pins over average. So ladies congratulations, now go throw on your work boots and remember to lift the seat when you pee.

I’m not sure who’s who, but if Iremember correctly,

those sure look like Maddie's underwear.

One last, but very important thing; this week when your server asks you if you would like to buy the King Pin a beer, I would suggest that you say yes. Those who do will have a 50% chance of winning a $10 Freeway Lanes bar gift certificate right then and there.

Looking forward to seeing your smiling faces this Sunday December 6th at 7pm.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

To recieve blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!