Chip Tighe, up to his old tricks

Despite the efforts of Greg Cira to keep us off the St. Paschals football field this Thursday, I'd like to assure everyone that the 15th annual Turkey Bowl will be played as scheduled at 8 a.m. Thanksgiving morning. All adults and children are welcome to join us. For those who can't make it, I'll will do my best to provide a brief recap on Friday.

Now then, let me move on to a non-bowling matter.

Chip Tighe is an asshole! Well, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, maybe I should rephrase that; “Dear Lord, I am thankful Chip Tighe cannot be cloned; otherwise there would be two assholes in the world.”


Chip Tighe


Chip Tighe's clone

I don’t know if you have noticed, but the leaves have been falling off the trees pretty steadily for the last 6 weeks. If you’re poor like me, or cheap like Chip, you rake them yourself. I’ve got about 6,000 trees dropping shit on my yard; 5,900 of those trees are on Tighe’s property, but that’s not why Chip is an asshole. I bought two identical leaf rakes last year and have used them both this fall. Because of my beautiful OCD mind, whenever I buy something, I get two of them. As an aside, if you should ever buy me a beer, you should buy me two; otherwise, it’s like giving me half a beer.

Ole Martin V, happy as can be

Anyhow, on November 1st it was time to gather the leaves, but I couldn’t seem to find either rake. So I did what I always do, I went to Tighe’s yard and started looking around for my stuff. I saw my matching brown garbage can, my matching yellow handled garden rake, my matching wooden handled rounded point shovel, then, leaning against the shed I saw one of my matching leaf rakes. As I am inspecting it, Chip comes outside. I show him the rake and ask him why three of the forks are missing and inquire as to the crack in the fiberglass. He simply says, “that’s a piece of shit rake.”

Chip Tighe's recently cleaned up backyard

Two minutes into my raking the crack becomes a split and I now have two separate pieces, a handle, and a plastic rake head. I hear Tighe laughing and he then says “I told you it was a piece of shit.” My prayers to St. Anthony are finally answered 40 minutes later as I remember that I left the other rake out behind the bocce court. I complete my chore and lean the rake up against the side of my house.

Ole Martin V's freshly groomed yard

Roughly two weeks later, on November 13th, I tell my son that immediately after school he needs to handle the leaves, and that he won’t see his X-Box, ……correction, X-Box Live, all weekend if the yard isn’t done by the time I got home that evening. Sure enough, I pull in the driveway and the yard is only half way complete, and Ole’ Martin V is a little pissed. As I storm in the house, the lovely Mrs. Lynch stops me before I get to the kid and tells me it’s not his fault. She says that when she got home the young lad was damn near in tears knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do any live gaming this weekend. He explains to her that while he was raking, Dr. Tighe came over and told him that the rake he was using belonged to him and he was taking it back right now.

The Lynch kid moments before

Tighe stole the rake

I suppose I should have inquired as to why my 4’11”, 93 pound son didn’t put up a fight, but I decided to let that go. I figured, as all of us know, Chip was just picking on another kid. By the way, if by chance your kid has never been bullied by Tighe that’s only because your kid must never have been near him. Anyhow, I figured I needn’t worry because just three days earlier I finally did something I should have done the day I moved in; I took a knife and carved my name into that rake.

I go next door looking for Chip but get no answer. I remember that all of the Tighe’s are at the Mayfield-Solon game, so I text Chip about my rake. He replies saying that the rake was his. I figured that I would track the asshole down sooner or later. So, everyday for a week I go knocking on his door, and everyday he’s not there. Finally, I decide to ask one of his kids if they have seen my rake. This is what the “nameless” Tighe child said; “you mean the one you gave my dad?” I said, really? Did your dad tell you that I gave it to him? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said “no, but I saw him putting the wood filler into your name that was carved on the rake and figured that you must be talking about that one.” I said, really? I suppose you can still see my name pretty easily can’t you? To which the “nameless Tighe child said “no because my dad painted the handle black and then carved his name into it.” I said, really? Can you show it to me? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said, “nope, he took it to the Ashtabula house and was leaving it there.” I said, really? Do you know that your dad is an asshole? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said “oh yes, a complete and total one.”

A nameless Tighe kid who's obviously

proud to have Chip as a father

This story doesn’t have a happy ending yet, but it will. You see, I plan to go out and buy two more rakes; one I’m going to keep stored in my bedroom closet, and the other, well, I’m going to shove that one up Chip’s ass.

Sr. Agnes-Rose (center) moments before Chip

stole her cane and carved his name into it

This Thanksgiving count your blessing, and thank the Lord you don’t live next to Chip Tighe.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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