The Cleveland Brown’s rule the Turkey Bowl

No you idiot, not those Cleveland Browns, I’m talking about the tandem of Mike Brown Sr. and his son Mike Brown Jr. The young Brown proved to be unstoppable for the kid’s team as he rolled up 21 receptions for 337 yards and five TD’s to help the youngster’s build an early lead. That lead was due in large part to that fact that Terry Wise was intercepted 18 times in his first 19 passing attempts. Oddly enough, Terry blamed the interceptions on the intended receiver each and every time. Immediately following the replacement of Wise at QB, the adult’s mounted their comeback.

Chip Tighe spent the day putting enormous pressure on the playoff tested Mayfield High School senior quarterback, Lee Longo (whom I should point out is no relation to our very own Dick Dongo). I’m no Sigmund Freud, but I’m guessing that Dr. Tighe wanted to make sure that Lee, who is dating one of the “nameless” Tighe children, was well aware that Chip still had the ability to relentlessly hunt him down should he ever mistreat his daughter; and he clearly proved his point.

Chip's nephew Danny Tighe, a senior at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio used to be a serious threat when he played on the kids team. Back then he was a lightning quick, strapping 6'2" 180 pound game breaker who needed to be defended by 3 adults simultaneously. Now just 4 years later, and perhaps 40,000 Natty Lites later, he no longer instills fear in anyone. Somehow he transformed that body into a 5'7", 260 pound pile of slow moving jelly. The only thing he successfully did on Thursday was shit his pants as he tried to release a series of taco farts.

Danny Tighe probably didn't plan it,but it's
probably not the first time it's happened either

The adults inched their way back into a 7-7 tie (one point for each touchdown) and that’s when Mike Brown Sr. took control. On three consecutive defensive series, big Mike Brown intercepted the young high school QB. While those three interceptions somehow resulted in -9 return yards, they nonetheless provided the old folks with great field position and a chance to put points on the board. That’s exactly what they did as they bested da yute’s 10-7. After the game, Longo, who had not been intercepted in his previous 24 high school football games, was asked to describe what lead to the uncharacteristic interceptions. 'It’s hard to explain because I’ve never experienced anything like this. When Mr. Brown got within 10 yards of me it was like I was looking at an eclipse, he took up 6 passing lanes, and I simply couldn’t see anything else.'

Brian Kane, Mike Richuisa,

Mike "The Eclipse" Brown, and Andrew Ryzner

My son Tom, who was playing his first year with the adult’s, proved to be anything but a chip off the old block as he dropped every single pass thrown to him. His high school classmate, and "rock solid" D student at Ohio University, Danny Callam wasn’t much better defensively as he somehow dropped two balls that would have easily been returned for touchdowns. To his credit, after the game Callam said 'I guess I just choked; when I saw the ball coming my way I felt my butthole start twitching and it threw my concentration off. What else can I say; I’m not going to blame people for my mistakes like that Terry Wise guy does.'

Perhaps Tom & Danny should stick to sports

more suited to their abilities

I suppose I should say that in hindsight, Greg Cira was right trying to keep us off the field. It turned out with all the rain we had the field didn’t hold up as well as we thought. However, I am confident that it will be back in tip-top shape for next year’s Turkey Bowl.

Looks like every now and then Greg Cira is right

All it needs is a little love and care

See You at next years Turkey Bowl.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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Chip Tighe, up to his old tricks

Despite the efforts of Greg Cira to keep us off the St. Paschals football field this Thursday, I'd like to assure everyone that the 15th annual Turkey Bowl will be played as scheduled at 8 a.m. Thanksgiving morning. All adults and children are welcome to join us. For those who can't make it, I'll will do my best to provide a brief recap on Friday.

Now then, let me move on to a non-bowling matter.

Chip Tighe is an asshole! Well, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, maybe I should rephrase that; “Dear Lord, I am thankful Chip Tighe cannot be cloned; otherwise there would be two assholes in the world.”


Chip Tighe


Chip Tighe's clone

I don’t know if you have noticed, but the leaves have been falling off the trees pretty steadily for the last 6 weeks. If you’re poor like me, or cheap like Chip, you rake them yourself. I’ve got about 6,000 trees dropping shit on my yard; 5,900 of those trees are on Tighe’s property, but that’s not why Chip is an asshole. I bought two identical leaf rakes last year and have used them both this fall. Because of my beautiful OCD mind, whenever I buy something, I get two of them. As an aside, if you should ever buy me a beer, you should buy me two; otherwise, it’s like giving me half a beer.

Ole Martin V, happy as can be

Anyhow, on November 1st it was time to gather the leaves, but I couldn’t seem to find either rake. So I did what I always do, I went to Tighe’s yard and started looking around for my stuff. I saw my matching brown garbage can, my matching yellow handled garden rake, my matching wooden handled rounded point shovel, then, leaning against the shed I saw one of my matching leaf rakes. As I am inspecting it, Chip comes outside. I show him the rake and ask him why three of the forks are missing and inquire as to the crack in the fiberglass. He simply says, “that’s a piece of shit rake.”

Chip Tighe's recently cleaned up backyard

Two minutes into my raking the crack becomes a split and I now have two separate pieces, a handle, and a plastic rake head. I hear Tighe laughing and he then says “I told you it was a piece of shit.” My prayers to St. Anthony are finally answered 40 minutes later as I remember that I left the other rake out behind the bocce court. I complete my chore and lean the rake up against the side of my house.

Ole Martin V's freshly groomed yard

Roughly two weeks later, on November 13th, I tell my son that immediately after school he needs to handle the leaves, and that he won’t see his X-Box, ……correction, X-Box Live, all weekend if the yard isn’t done by the time I got home that evening. Sure enough, I pull in the driveway and the yard is only half way complete, and Ole’ Martin V is a little pissed. As I storm in the house, the lovely Mrs. Lynch stops me before I get to the kid and tells me it’s not his fault. She says that when she got home the young lad was damn near in tears knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do any live gaming this weekend. He explains to her that while he was raking, Dr. Tighe came over and told him that the rake he was using belonged to him and he was taking it back right now.

The Lynch kid moments before

Tighe stole the rake

I suppose I should have inquired as to why my 4’11”, 93 pound son didn’t put up a fight, but I decided to let that go. I figured, as all of us know, Chip was just picking on another kid. By the way, if by chance your kid has never been bullied by Tighe that’s only because your kid must never have been near him. Anyhow, I figured I needn’t worry because just three days earlier I finally did something I should have done the day I moved in; I took a knife and carved my name into that rake.

I go next door looking for Chip but get no answer. I remember that all of the Tighe’s are at the Mayfield-Solon game, so I text Chip about my rake. He replies saying that the rake was his. I figured that I would track the asshole down sooner or later. So, everyday for a week I go knocking on his door, and everyday he’s not there. Finally, I decide to ask one of his kids if they have seen my rake. This is what the “nameless” Tighe child said; “you mean the one you gave my dad?” I said, really? Did your dad tell you that I gave it to him? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said “no, but I saw him putting the wood filler into your name that was carved on the rake and figured that you must be talking about that one.” I said, really? I suppose you can still see my name pretty easily can’t you? To which the “nameless Tighe child said “no because my dad painted the handle black and then carved his name into it.” I said, really? Can you show it to me? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said, “nope, he took it to the Ashtabula house and was leaving it there.” I said, really? Do you know that your dad is an asshole? To which the “nameless” Tighe child said “oh yes, a complete and total one.”

A nameless Tighe kid who's obviously

proud to have Chip as a father

This story doesn’t have a happy ending yet, but it will. You see, I plan to go out and buy two more rakes; one I’m going to keep stored in my bedroom closet, and the other, well, I’m going to shove that one up Chip’s ass.

Sr. Agnes-Rose (center) moments before Chip

stole her cane and carved his name into it

This Thanksgiving count your blessing, and thank the Lord you don’t live next to Chip Tighe.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Cira Goes On The Disabled List

As some of you may have noticed, I roam the lanes from time to time. In doing so this week I overheard Greg Cira telling some guys how he couldn’t bowl because he tore a ligament in his bicep. He went on to volunteer that he injured it on that crazy P90X fitness video. I’ve seen that shit on TV and I get tired just watching it; and Greg pointed out that the workout is absolutely brutal, and he wouldn’t advise anyone to do it unless they’re a trained Olympic athlete. Well, you don’t have to spend a lot of time convincing Ole Martin V. to sit on his lazy ass and do nothing. Nonetheless, I had to give Cira some credit for having the energy to pick up the phone and buy it. When I was confronted with the same infomercial, I didn’t even have the energy to pick up the remote and change channels.

Cira can't wait for his full body make-over

Ole Martin V. not quite ready to make the same commitment

Alright, I’ll admit it; I was impressed. Impressed that is, until Greg walked away and I saw his wife Jennifer rolling her eyes, and biting her lip; in what certainly looked like an obvious effort not to say anything. All of a sudden I began to think that maybe, just maybe, Cira was lying. So I asked her if Greg had actually hurt himself on the P90X. Mrs. Cira thought for a moment, sighed, and said, yes I suppose he did hurt himself on the P90X. Finding myself a bit confused, I ask her to elaborate. She wanted to make sure that I knew Greg didn’t actually lie, but he didn’t really tell the truth either. Her story was a bit different from what Mr. Cira was leading people to believe.


Jennifer Cira getting tired of covering for Greg's bullshit stories

It turns out that Greg was very excited with the arrival of the UPS package containing the videos that were certain to transform his “clinically” obese body into one that would make Adonis scream with envy. Immediately he grabbed a knife, cut open the package, and pulled the instructions and videos out. He ran to his room, put on his favorite polyester sweat suit, and then made his way to the TV room. It was here that the injury occurred. You see Greg still hasn’t seen the video; it turns out that Cira was having trouble trying to rip the cellophane wrapping off the video. He finally managed to bite off a small piece of the wrapping, which allowed him to slide his right index finger inside the cellophane, thereby giving him a perfect fishhook grip. With all of his might Greg pulled the cellophane, then, not one second later, he let out a blood curdling scream. The cellophane didn’t budge, but the resistance it created ripped though his forearm and managed to tear the ligament in his bicep to pieces. How bout that; the little bastard couldn’t even get the thing opened without making a trip to the emergency room.

Cira one second after attempted cellophane opening

Cira two seconds after attempted cellophane opening

On behalf of the entire league I’d like to wish Mr. Cira a speedy recovery. Oh and by the way Greg, might I suggest that you stick to your current conditioning programs: hopscotch, jumping rope, and if you still have the strength, perhaps skipping.

Cira (2nd from left) and his workout buddies don't even need the rope

That does it! I’m bringing back the Lady Bug List, and the rest you sissy’s who are going to be on it can thank Greg Cira.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

.

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Youngstown Tina Brown

By now, I trust that everyone has had an opportunity to meet Tina Brown. If you haven’t, dare I say, you’re not missing much. Okay, that was a dick thing to say, but in my defense, I got that line from her husband Mike Brown, who apparently uses it on her all the time. So in effect, I’m just the messenger.

Regardless, a few weeks back Tina sends me an email wanting to know why I hadn’t written anything on the blog for so long. Then, she has the ballage to say that I’m nothing more than a one-hit-wonder or worse yet, that I suffer from something as amateurish as writers block. Me, a one-hit-wonder; how flattering. Need I remind you, that happens to be the same designation given to some guys named Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John? As for writers block, are you kidding me? You jerk-offs provide me with more material than I know what to do with.

Anyhow, since Tina wants me to write something, then that’s what I’ll do. As some of you know, on November 6, 2009, Tina was supposed to host the fifth annual Martin V. Invitational dinner party at her home. Those who don’t know anything about it, obviously, weren’t invited. Nonetheless, on November 4th Tina called me saying that she had to cancel the party because both she and Mike had come down with the swine flu. Now, Mike with the swine flu makes total sense, in fact, if you told me he was the original carrier of the swine flu I’d believe that too. But Tina leads way too healthy a life-style to ever get sick.

What I’m trying to say is that I know Tina is lying to me; I simply need to get proof. So I decided to don my Inspector Clouseau outfit and stake out the Brown residence. Sure enough, at 5:05 pm that Friday evening the garage door opens; Tina backs out of the driveway and off she goes. I quickly jump into my un-marked Chrysler Cordoba and follow her, and follow her, and follow her, until finally; she pulls into the Youngstown branch of the YWCA.


Ole Martin V. staking out the Brown's house.

For those of you who don’t know, Tina is a workout freak, who has begun entering female body building contests. The problem is that she is bashful and doesn’t want anyone she knows to see her in a swim suit; therefore, she only goes to contests out of the Cleveland area. Well now I’ve seen her in a swim suit, and guess what? I sure wish I hadn’t.


A freshly shaven buttocks?

As she left the YWCA, I felt compelled to confront her about this lie. When I catch up to her in the parking lot she is clearly rattled. She’s apologetic but assures me that Mike really did have the swine flu, and what difference did it make if she wasn’t sick, Mike was sick so there couldn’t be a party anyhow. I could no longer believe anything she had to say. So I quickly stated that no decent wife would ever leave her sick husband at home alone to fend for himself. Tina immediately assured me that she took all of the necessary procautions to ensure that Mike would be fine until she returned, and if I didn’t believe her I was welcome to follow her back to her house and see Mike for myself. Which is just what I did, and guess what? I sure wish I hadn’t.


A well cared for Mike Brown?

In closing, let me say that if anyone else would like to question what I write or when I write it, please, and I mean this, please don't hesitate to contact me and voice your feelings.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To recieve blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!

My Bowling League Is Back

Happy Belated Halloween,

It’s obviously been a while since I put something out; and the reason for that is, well quite frankly, none of your god damn business. I won’t attempt to go back and recreate the events from the first two weeks of bowling. My memory is not what it used to be, and I’d rather not just make things up and risk losing my journalistic credibility with you folks. So perhaps I’ll just focus on a couple of things that jumped out at me from week three; here goes.

Without naming names (Himmel, Kane, Sirselle) some of you people are complete dick heads. Here it is 4pm on Sunday when Sherry Tighe forwards me a text she received from Cristen Kane saying that “No Spare Time” won’t be able to be at bowling that night. The Himmel’s have a Jewish ceremony to attend, the Kane’s have a soccer game to go to, and Jim Sirselle just had surgery. Now we all know how understanding I am when it comes to blowing off bowling; so it should come as no surprise that “No Spare Time” will have plenty of spare time next year to handle all of their trivial matters. Shit, I might just work out a mid-season replacement to drive the point home to the rest of you d-bags.

Here’s a suggestion, next time why don’t you call Rabbi Rabinowitz and tell him you’d love to spend the night yapping in Yiddish but you’ll be tied up that evening drinking beer and sucking down some non-kosher corn dogs. Or perhaps you might let Coach Soccer Sissy know that you’d love to sit around in the rain for five hours watching a bunch of school girls run back and forth so that one team can win 1-0 in some stupid triple overtime shootout, but you’ve got your own game to go to; a game that I should point out allows you to rub your balls for a purpose other than to simply stay warm. And for God’s sake Sirselle, only pussy’s have surgery during the season, so suck it up and play with a bit of discomfort you little bitch. I’m not all together sure what those people dressed up like on Halloween, but I’m guessing they looked something like this.


Brian and Melissa Himmel

Brian and Cristen Kane

Abigail and Jim Sirselle

Before I forget, I should mention that we had a few bowlers running for elected office this past Tuesday. Last year’s seldom-seen-sub, Scott Mills was re-elected to an At-Large seat on the Highland Heights City Council. This year, though still a sub with no team, he has managed to show up each week,… with guess what,…you got it,… campaign literature. This guy has his picture plastered all over everything, so most of you know who I’m talking about. But for those of you that are new to the league, as a courtesy, I’ll put his picture up one more time. My guess is now that he was re-elected, we won't see him for four more years.

Scott Mills

Another bowling sub, Rocco Dolciato came up a bit short in his run for the Ward 2 council seat in Highland Heights. I was actually somewhat shocked by that because Ward 2 is an enclave of Italians, which come to think of it, is surrounded by an enclave of Italians. So I’m thinking, how could a guy with that name lose in that area? After some thorough research, I’m guessing that he may have fared better had he not run against a wise guy named Leonardo Ricardo Lombardo. Sorry Rocco, ten vowels trumps your meager six syllable name any day of the week.

Rocco Dolciato (2nd from left) & da committee

Finally, Mark Byrne was unable to capture a seat on the South Euclid/Lyndhurst school board. I’m sure everyone remembers Mark, “the dog-trainer” from last year.
While Mark had the decency not to glad hand and make stump speeches at Freeway Lanes, like Mills did, that’s probably not what cost him the election. I’m guessing that he fell victim to the same thing that cost the East Cleveland Mayor, Eric Brewer his job last month; untimely photographs. So let this be a lesson to all of you who may seek office in the future; do not be cruel to animals. More importantly, be extremely careful when selecting a Halloween costume three days before the polls open.

Mark Byrne, looking mighty natural

I look forward to seeing all of you candy eating fat asses this Sunday November 8th.

XO,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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