THE BLOG THAT MARTY LYNCH WRITES: Is Valentine an Italian Name?

This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but have you noticed that there are a lot of Italians living in the Mayfield Heights area. I just went to the Mayfield High School raffle on Thursday and my God there were Italians everywhere. Most of them were woman and I have to tell you, for those of you who are fond of saying all black people look alike, you try and explain the difference between Italian women. They all have long black hair, olive skin, dark brown eyes, gaudy jewelry, fake nails, one eyebrow, a faint to full mustache, and a first name that ends with the letter A. They are all married to, or were married to a contractor, and are, or were hairdressers. The only difference I could tell between these women was the size of their asses; which ranged from bony, to big, to holy shit that poor frigging chair. I'm not one to stereotype, but it sure felt like I was in an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The good news is St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner, so I will be back in my normal environment, and will spend the day drinking green beer with a bunch of fellow little dick Irishmen.

A typical Mayfield Heights gathering with Tina, Dena, Marina, and Gina

Well here’s another update in the lives of our corrupt county officials. Our county weights and measures specialist Andy Mellen made another scheduled visit to the Appalachian foothills to visit his buddies Jimmy Dimora and Frank Russo. This time he had an opportunity to see both of them in action as the two former county big wigs co-chaired the annual Inmate Valentine’s Day Party. There usually isn’t much romance going on in the all-male federal penitentiary, but with Russo and Dimora in charge, the sparks were flying. By the time the convicts had finished all the cake and ice cream, there were plenty of love connections made behind the barbed wire fence. Patty Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, better watch out, because when these two cupids draw back their bows no one knows what will develop.

Jimmy Dimora (left) had to make his own outfit.

Frank Russo (right) brought his with him when he checked into the place.

I ran into an old friend of mine last week, John Zappola. I always liked John because he’s a very entertaining and engaging guy. We used to coach football together 30 years ago, and John always struck me as a great teacher. The kids always paid close attention to his instructions and the way he would explain things made it easy for the kids to pick up and understand. I asked John why he never became a school teacher, clearly he would have been good at it, and as I remember that’s what he said he wanted to do. He never really answered the question; in fact, he seemed to dodge it altogether. Not being the kind of person to pry, I let it go. But the way he evaded the question kind of bugged me, so I did a little digging. And as it turns out, John did do a stint as a substitute teacher years ago.

The principal convinced John that maybe it

wasn’t the best idea for him to be around teenage boys all day.

Is it just me, or do Terry and Sue Wise of Bump My Balls, bitch a lot? It seems that every time I get to bocce, someone named Wise is complaining about something. “How come the bocce balls haven’t been set out yet; why isn’t the waitress here right now; why isn’t the TV on the right channel; how come there’s no music,” it’s always something with those two. I don’t know how their teammates, Jeff and Mares Pokorny, put up with them. If the Pokorny’s knew how Terry and Sue trash talk and lambast them while they’re not around, I’d safely say that they would quit on the spot. After being in leagues with the Wise’s for the last decade, I suppose I’ve grown to tolerate all of their whining, but what really irritates me about these two is that, without fail, they will show up at bocce and immediately ask me “what court are we on and whom do we play.” Every damn week I send out a schedule with that information, and every damn week, they don’t read it. Man, am I getting tired of being their butler.

After the lovely Mrs. Lynch read the above description of the Wise’s, she demanded that I say something nice about both of them, so here goes.

Sue Wise is better looking now then she used to be.