THE BLOG THAT MARTY LYNCH WRITES: True Confessions

Before I forget, The Squirmy Bastards are once again The Squiggles. D9 Consolo was able to rally her troops and get enough votes to reclaim their team name. So, this gives Ole Martin V an opportunity to prove to one and all that he is a man of his word. End of story. Therefore, please help me welcome back the team with the most ridiculous name in the league, The Squiggles.

Moving on, we are now three weeks into the Martin V. Diet and there have been quite a few success stories. But no one really cares to hear about those, so lets focus on some failure. First, let me start by saying this; the lovely Mrs. Lynch doesn't want anyone to feel bad for being unsuccessful on their diet. She was adamant when she told me that I would be cut off from her sweet nectar of love if she found out that this diet thing caused anyone to feel bad about themselves. So, to make sure that everyone can point to the list and say, at least I'm not doing as bad as so and so, I have gone out of my way to make sure that I put on some pounds during these past few weeks. Basically what I’m saying is, I’m taking one for the team, or league, as it were, and I have decided that I will be that so and so guy. Clearly that excuses me from any weight gain ridicule, and in fact, is probably cause for me to be celebrated. What it doesn't do is excuse the likes of Denise DiVita for laying around on her ass for the last 21 days sucking down as many pork link sausages and buttermilk pancakes as humanly possible. Look chick, you’re on a diet, you're not supposed to gain weight, push the frigging plate away. And for God's sake have the decency to be ashamed of yourself. And most importantly, be thankful I didn't have time to post a photo of you.

By the way, that's me, preparing to woo the lovely Mrs. Lynch
in to dishing out some of that sweet nectar of love.

I have a confession to make, well; I should say I have a confession to make for someone else. I was at the Highlander with a bunch of bocce people a few weekend’s ago when Michelle Davis told me about the diet she was employing to try to loose weight. It entails her taking laxatives everyday, and if laxatives are doing their job, it may result in the need for some untimely, and somewhat uncontrollable rectal releases. Anyhow, after she finished her ninth vodka drink she felt compelled to open up to me and tell me of a little incident that happened at Freeway Lanes earlier that night. Maybe it’s because I’m a good listener, or maybe it’s just that people can sense that I truly care about them, that causes them to open up to me. Regardless, Michelle confided in me that it was her who went to the ladies room at Freeway Lanes earlier that night and proceeded to blow the doors off the hinges. She said she wasn’t really embarrassed about the smell she left behind, but felt bad for the person who was going to have to wipe down, or maybe chisel off, the explosion she pinned up against the back wall of the toilet.

Michelle’s bathroom exploits are so legendary that Hasbro modeled a doll after her.

Andy Mellen of Bloated has fluctuated in weight for the last several years, and apparently this year is no different. Andy was hoping to commit himself to the Martin V. Diet, but it just hasn't worked out for him yet. Andy tried to explain to me that his 2 pound weight gain is the result of muscle that he has added to his frame. And he claims that the added weight is being much more evenly distributed over his entire body, and that alone has him in a good mood. Plus, Andy did proudly mention to me that his new look has his wife Edie giving him the lusty eye as of late.

Call me crazy, but I definitely think Andy is thinner in the face.

I was at bocce last night, minding my own business, when Mike Richuisa of Mission Imbocceball said he needed to talk to me about something. Being ever so gracious, I gave him my undivided attention. It was at this time that Mike thought it would be a good idea for him to tell me everything that is wrong with my blog, and kindly offered a couple suggestions on what would make it better. When he was done, I thanked him for his input.