A Little FIFA for my Fiefdom

I have tried time and again to understand the popularity of this stupid FIFA soccer shit, but I simply don’t get it. Worse yet, I don’t even have a clue as to where to start, nor do I have the patience to structure an argument to explain why you soccer fans are idiots.

So we have a guy whose name sounds like he was a member of The Beach Boys, Landon Donovan. He is now a hero because he was able to kick a ball into a goal that measures 24’ wide by 8’ tall. He was able to make this unobstructed goal from 9’ away while the opposing goalie lay lifeless on the ground. As the balled rolled gently toward him, he must have had flashbacks to the time his mommy would roll the ball to him when he was five years old and all he had to do was kick it into the front their a 4 car garage.

Landon Donovan also enjoys singing show tunes and playing teeter-totter.

I want to give the guy credit where due, but it’s not because he was able to hit the side of a barn, it’s because he was able to run up and down the field for 90 plus minutes without puking all over himself; something I would be unable to do. I guess the troubling thing is how can players on both teams spend the entire day missing those simple shots. How big a loser do you have to be to miss layup after layup, before you realize you suck?

I’m pretty sure any numbnut can do this

Why don’t they just show marathon runners how to kick a ball

In football, a kicker has to sail a ball 150 feet, (or should I be speaking in meters for you jerk offs) in the wind, while 11 angry dudes, who know exactly when and where he’s going to kick it, try and block him from putting the weirdest shaped ball in the world, through an 18’ wide goal post………………while, I should point out, there is still time on the game clock.

Now this is worth watching

This brings us back to this 90 plus minutes thing. Why is this game not in overtime or something? What legitimate sport says ahh, just keep playing for a little bit. Have these people never heard of buzzer beater, walk off homer, scored as time expired? No, they keep playing for, well, a little while after the game is supposed to be over. What is that? That would be like playing Pictionary with no timer; go ahead and leisurely draw a picture of a caboose, or a dragon, no hurry, take your time; it’s not even an All Play, its freakin’ ridiculous.

I know there are guys in My Bowling League who are involved with soccer programs. Mike Hirsch and John Bondra are good examples of what a modern day soccer sissy looks like. Two guys with little to no athletic ability whatsoever, trying to pass themselves off as jocks.

Mike Hirsch and John Bondra, just a couple of jocks.

When you call them on it, they immediately start talking about how dangerous it is to play soccer, and that more injuries occur in that sport versus any other. The reason for that is simple; if I throw a pig off a roof, it’s going to get hurt because it can’t fly. A kid is going to get hurt in soccer because he’s not an athlete. Pigs don’t get hurt when they do what they are meant to do, play in the mud. Likewise, soccer players don’t get hurt when they do what they are meant to do, play with dolls.

Just a couple of future soccer players

Just a couple future football players

I’m not even going to get into the fact that the average game ends 1-0. I simply can’t take any more of this asinine World Cup soccer bullshit. Wake up people; you don’t live in a third world country for gods sakes. Men play football, sissy’s play soccer, end of story.

Lovingly Yours,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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