A Little This....etc

A CELEBRITY LOOK-A-LIKE WEDDING?

My Bowling League members Andrew Ryzner and Yolonda Naymick will be tying the knot this Saturday, July 31, 2010; so I figured it was only fitting to give them a little marital advice before the big day. And this is about as useful advice as I’ve ever given anybody. Don’t do it. Current statistics say that there is a 50-50 chance that this thing blows up in your face, and that one or both of you will be out on the street. If you’re playing Russian Roulette you have a 1 in 6 chance of blowing you brains out, in marriage you have a 1 in 2 chance of wanting to blow your spouse’s brains out; does that really seem worth it.

By the way, getting married takes a matter of minutes, getting divorced can takes years. In fact, I have some friends, friends I’ll refer to as Marc and Lydia Hertz. These two have been getting divorced for what seems like a decade, but to them, it probably feels even longer than that.

You know what, I take it all back, you guys will be fine, but I do feel sorry for the unlucky couples who are getting married right before, and right after you two.


Check out this coincidence; and its no joke. Andrew “Pee Wee” Ryzner has ordered a grey tux, white shirt, and red bow tie for his wedding. I can’t wait to see those pictures.


Mike Hirsh and the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. I just figured I throw this Celebrity Look -a- Like in for no apparent reason.

WHAT’S THE HOLE FOR?

I’m not sure how it came up, but I have recently learned that half of the guys don’t use the hole in the front of their underpants when they take a pee. I’m not sure what they think the hole is for, but they are by passing it, and apparently just pulling the front of their pants down or sillier yet, pulling it out by the side of their leg.

I also learned that the vast majority of guys who get up in the middle of the night to pee, stand up versus sit down; which just makes no sense to me. Here you are at 3 in the morning dead-dog tired, perhaps drunk and you choose to stand and weave instead of sitting down to relax. That’s like getting on an empty bus and deciding to stand and grab a hand rail for support instead of plopping your fat ass down. I’ll look into this further and get back with you.

MORE CROHNYISM

Now that you know I have Crohn’s Disease perhaps I should share another tale of the silent suffering I endure from day to day. A couple of weeks before leaving on the Booze Cruise last year, I had what I’ll refer to as a flare-up. My doctor brought me in for a colonoscopy and determined that the best way to solve my problem was to prescribe me a medicinal enema. Naturally, I asked him what the second, or even third best prescription would be. He wasn’t buying it; he said I’m getting the enema.

What I then learned was frightening; Dr. Doom wasn’t prescribing an enema, he was prescribing a series of 28 daily enemas, complete with 4 more months of refills. In short, this guy wanted me to shove a bottle up my ass every night for the entire Major League Baseball season. I knew then and there that this wasn’t happening. What I didn’t know was how long it would take the lovely Mrs. Lynch to insist that it would happen. I swore I wasn’t sticking anything in my can, to which my wife swore if I didn’t, she, most begrudgingly would…..and, my fellow bowlers, that’s just what she did.


I think Sue, errrrrrrr, Suzanne took more than the necessary precautions.

My wife is no Florence Nightingale and dosage number one would be the first time for both of us. Now let me assure all of you that this initial, and may I point out, clumsy and tearful encounter was neither comfortable, nor romantic; but thankfully, we both survived. Our second such rendezvous produced more tears and more groans, from my wife that is. Ole Martin V on the other hand was a whimpering mess. On day three, the lovely Mrs. Lynch was again required to follow the same simple instructions as she did on day one and two; shake, remove cap, insert, and squeeze. Pretty damn simple right?

I’m not sure which of these four steps is the least important to follow, but unfortunately, I have learned that the most important of these four steps is, without any shadow of doubt, removing the cap. For those of you who think, aw, what’s the difference it’s just a little cap, please let me explain. If you’re in jail would you prefer that your cellmate has the name Jung Sup “Little Dick” Lee (cap off) or a dude who is lovingly referred to as Jamal “Big Dick” Jackson (cap on)?

So what’s the upshot to all this? The upshot is that I learned that the cure for a major Crohn’s flare up isn’t 162 daily emama’s, no contraire, the cure is 3.


Because of this experience, Ole Martin V. now pays close attention when he hears the phrase, “I’m gonna put a cap in your ass.”

I've Missed You,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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