Sh*t My Mom Says

I’m guessing that many of you have heard about or have visited the website called www.shitmydadsays.com. If not, you should because it’s funny; but please keep in mind that it is laced with a good bit of profanity. Anyhow, I just spent five, count ‘em, five days vacationing with my mother, and I’ve got to tell you, she says some goofy shit. It’s not the same kind of stuff like the "shit my dad says;" it’s literally dingy shit, like she only wants to use about 50% of her brain.

My mom might not like me telling you her age, so instead of me spilling those beans, I’ll just say she remembers the Roaring 20’s. Anyhow, my mom has shown the ability to be sharp as a tack, so I don’t know if it’s just her, or if everybody’s mom gets a little tired of worrying about details every now and again.

Regardless, I’m at my niece’s graduation party in Atlanta last Saturday, and my mom sees some kid and says, “doesn’t that fella look just like Arthur Kirschner?” Everyone in the room just stared at her like, who the hell is Arthur Kirschner. Then she said, “you know, that guy who married that Dembi girl who used to be married to the bald headed Die Heart movie guy Bruce whatever.”

Once the doctor told her she had the internal organs of a 25 year old, my mom figured it was safe to take up smoking again.

Later, the conversation somehow turned to the Cleveland Zoo and how awful it is to go there on Mondays, a.k.a. free admission day. We were discussing how someone should take pictures of these people and post them on the web under “People of the Cleveland-Zoo.” It would be similar to “People of Wal-Mart,” except the Wal-Mart folks would look like high-society compare to our Monday morning zoo crew.

I’m not saying that Carla Bondra shops at Wal-Mart, but apparently someone who looks, acts, and dresses just like her does.



Former My Bowling League members Abigail and Jim Sirselle decided to renew their vows this past “Monday,” right outside the llama corral.

Anyhow, my mom says that when she was a kid she used to love going to the zoo to watch the “tangerines roll around.” What?............ My brother Terry told her that tangerines are in orchards, not in zoos. She was pissed at the boy, and said to him “what are you an idiot? You know what I mean, you god damn smartass, those monkeys, those baboons, those whatchacallems.” My sister Beth said, “Mom, do you mean orangutans?” to which I quickly interjected, “of course that’s what she meant, Terry, you’re an idiot.”

Is it possible that this tangerine is eating an orangutan?

Shortly after this, my mother told a story about a very suspicious character that she once knew. She said he was suspicious because he wouldn’t walk under a ladder, he carried a rabbit’s foot, and he wouldn’t leave the house on Friday the 13^th. Yep, he sure sounds like a pretty damn suspicious character to me.

This next bit doesn’t actually fall under shit my mom says, but I don’t have a category called shit my mom does. Anyhow, mommy dearest is working on a jigsaw puzzle with her magnifying glass, and I ask her how the puzzle is coming along. She couldn’t hear me and asked if I could repeat the question. She still couldn’t hear me so she asked me to hold on a second while she grabbed the magnifying glass, which she put up to her ear and said “okay, what were you asking me?” Now this may sound a little silly, but it does appear that she can in fact hear better when she puts the magnifying glass next to her ear.

Now that she has her audio magnifying glass, my mom won’t be needing that cumbersome ear horn any more.

Trust me, I’ve got plenty more mom stuff like this, and I may have to make a shit my mom says a weekly entry, well, until she finds out about it, that is. Then I’ll just tell her it was that idiot son of hers, Terry who writes all this stuff. Hell, I’ll just tell her I’m Terry, I’ve got to believe that there’s at least a 50-50 chance she’ll believe me.

Still waiting for your RSVP's,


Marty Lynch


The King Pin


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