Some This, That, The Other

THIS
NOT BOOZE CRUISE NEWS YET

I’m not sure that the airport TSA agents or, for that matter, anybody at The Department of
Homeland Security has the slightest clue what they’re doing. They let some dude named Faisal Shahzad purchase a last minute, one way airline ticket, in cash, to Pakistan. Oh, and I forgot to mention that his name was on the no fly list. In fact, not just his name, but his age, his birth date, his address, every necessary bit of information needed to identify the precise individual that we do not want to let on a plane. Yes, I am talking about the would-be Times Square bomber.

Oddly enough, my name also happens to be on a no fly list. It turns out that there is a gentleman named Martin Lynch living in Belfast, Northern Ireland, who was believed to have handled the day to day operations of the Provisional Irish Republican Army. I have been detained several times, but strangely, I am not detained every time. In fact, I kind of get pissed when I’m not stopped. I get concerned when I am quickly ticketed and whisked through the TSA checkpoint. Don’t these people realize who I am, I mean, who I could be. For god’s sake, pay attention people.

So let me get this straight, no TSA red flags come up for Faisal Shahzad (left) but for the threatening looking Martin Lynch (right) we make the dogs start sniffing.

.

So on our recent Booze Cruise does TSA stop me, this guy named Martin Lynch whose name is on the no-fly list? Nope. Do they look at me funny? Nope. Do they even bother to glance at my driver’s license? No Sir-ee Bob. What about Mike Profeta; Give the guy a towel and a prayer rug and he’d be the spitting image of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Do they stop him? No they do not; apparently DHS has bigger fish to fry. These freakin yahoos decide that the real potential threat on this flight was my 80 year old mother who we were tooling around in an airport wheelchair.

I’ve known Mike Profeta for 10 years, and he appears to be a very hard working and honorable man. However, there are a few things that do make me lift my eyebrows. First, in the last 3 years he has made a total of 21 trips to Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and Kuwait. Second, though I have spent hours upon hours discussing his business with him, I still haven’t figured out what exactly it is that he does. And lastly, but not the least concerning, is that he prefers to eat by himself while sitting cross legged on the floor.

Now, having said that, I am in no way trying to insinuate that Mike is any kind of threat to this country whatsoever, but if I’m a TSA guy and Allibaba Profeta hands me his passport, and he blasts me with that nasty curry breath, I guarantee you that I’m going to at least ask a question or two.

So let me get this straight, no TSA red flags come up for Mike “Sheik Mohammad” (left) but for the threatening looking Charlotte “Sheik My Momma” (right) we make the dogs start sniffing.

THAT

FACEBOOK BIRTHDAYS

Is there some kind of Miss Manners or etiquette guide for determining which of your Facebook friends you are required to wish a Happy Birthday? Okay look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush, I just had a birthday and my math says that only 25.87% of my Facebook friends took the time to wish me a happy birthday. I think that kind of sucks, but I don’t know for sure; for all I can gather, maybe that’s actually pretty good. I figured it was time to throw my Sherlock Holmes hat back on and see what I could come up with.

Since Sherry Tighe shares my birthday, and since she’s fairly popular and well liked, I decided that I would find out how she fared in our Facebook happy birthday derby. Turns out she didn’t do quite as well as Ole Martin V. Her 25.76% response rate (mostly family I should point out) kind of made me feel better.

However, while I was doing my investigating I uncovered something interesting; in fact, it was almost troubling until I worked my way through it. It turns out that Linda Carney, Katy Profeta, PJ Buynack, and Dee Dee Bondra are FB friends of both Sherry and the King Pin. As I did my cross referencing, flow charts, graphs, and statistical probability measurements, I realized that these four people wished Sherry a happy birthday, but failed to take the time to acknowledge my special day on Facebook.

Now I know that Linda was dealing with a medical emergency so I can let her off the hook; even though she found a way to break free of that emergency long enough to post something for Sherry, but never mind that, I’ll give her a pass.

Before performing her boil removal surgery, doctors instructed Linda Carney to first undergo a painful emergency room ass wax procedure.

I’m pretty sure that Katy Profeta has the hots for me, big time. So it clearly makes sense that she would intentionally not send wishes my way. She’s a smart girl and realizes she shouldn’t do anything to arouse suspicions. Besides that, I think she’s grown accustomed to pining for me in the solitude of her own fantasy world. PJ did not Facebook me a happy birthday, but I went back to my cell phone and verified that he sent me a text birthday wish, so he’s good.

Katy Profeta trying to figure out a nonchalant way of sinking her claws into Ole Martin V.

That leaves Dee Dee Bondra as the only crossover friend that I cannot find a way to explain her blatant, mean spirited thoughtlessness. I went round and round and round, until finally I came to the only logical conclusion there could possibly be. Dee Dee knows how sensitive I am, and she intentionally set out to hurt my feelings.

Dee Dee Bondra sinks her first needle into her King Pin voodoo doll. What an evil woman.

The lovely Mrs. Lynch told me that I should have put out a FB post thanking everyone for their warm birthday wishes. I was about to do just that when it dawned on me that the FB post would also be sent to the other 75% of my “alleged” friends who didn’t bother to take a measly 30 seconds out of their “busy” day to acknowledge my birthday. Like I’ve said all along; you people suck.

THE OTHER

MOTHER'S DAY

Mother’s Day is bullshit, but Father’s Day makes perfect sense; and here’s why. On Father’s Day guys behave like father’s; they cut the grass, they pull weeds, they put down mulch, they fix broken bicycles, they play catch with the kids, and because it’s part of the job description, they try and convince the old lady to throw a little snatch their way. On Mother’s Day, women bitch that it’s Mother’s Day and that they shouldn’t have to do a god damn thing. They obviously have mistaken Mother’s Day for Queen’s Day, which I should point out, does not exist.

On Mother’s Day, women should behave like mothers. They should strap themselves to their daughter’s side for the day, dust off the Easy Bake Oven, throw some cookies in there, drag out the Singer sewing machine and hem some shit. Following that, they should plant some pretty flowers and then grab a pile of coupons and go grocery shopping. When they get back and unload the bags, they should whip up a meatloaf and surround it with a bunch of starchy food, and of course, those cookies they just made. A mother’s sole job is to teach her daughter how to one day be a mother herself. One who, when the time comes will have learned all of the necessary maternal skilled required to enable her to take proper care of a family.

So ladies, stop whining to your kids about how awful the morning sickness was, how sore your back got, how swollen your fingers and feet became, and just how terribly painful labor and delivery were. To listen to you women, you’d think you were the first, last, and only female to ever plop a kid out. It ain’t that tough; otherwise, 93% of you women wouldn’t have gone back and done it again. So suck it up, grab your husband a beer, assuming you haven’t run him off; and make sure you don’t bother him during the Cavaliers game. Better yet, why don’t you go to your room by yourself and watch a little Lifetime Television, and perhaps catch up on your beauty rest.


Oh, p.s. happy mother’s day!

Oh, p.s.s. this mother's day post was an anonymous entry

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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