Planes, Trains, and Chip is still an Idiot

Here we go again. Chip “Mr. Thrifty” Tighe sure showed all of us just what a terrific bargain shopper he is. The minute he hung up the phone after booking his airfare he couldn't wait to start bragging about how he saved a grand total of $39.86 on his and Sherry’s airline travel to and from the “My Bowling League Booze Cruise” ship in Miami last week.

Bear with me as I attempt to explain the seemingly unexplainable behavior of what could be the cheapest, and dumbest bastard on the entire freakin’ planet.

Issue 1: The Carnival Funship, "Destiny" will depart the port of Miami at 4pm Saturday April 24th. Our little “Julie McCoy,” PJ Buynack, sent out his standard travel informational email, as he has done each year, well in advance so that everyone going on the cruise has plenty of time to make travel arrangements. Included as a courtesy were the details of two non-stop Continental flights leaving Cleveland for either Miami or Fort Lauderdale departing 9am, arriving 11:45am. Also included were these instructions; whatever flight you book, make sure your plane is scheduled to arrive “by” 1pm, and under no circumstance should you book a flight “requiring” a connection in another city.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with just how screwed up, scrambled, and miss-wired the inter-workings of Chip Tighe’s brain are, let me explain a little further. I can assure you that Chip read the exact same instructions as everybody else, but because of his odd incestual gene pool, this is what actually registered in this dickheads skull….. whatever flight you book, make sure your plane is scheduled to arrive “after” 1pm, and under no circumstance should you book a flight “that does not require ” a connection in another city.


The standard male brain wiring


Chip's tangled mess brain wiring

Maybe I’m missing something, but please tell me if the itinerary I chose for the Lynch’s, was a better overall value than the itinerary Chip chose for the Tighe’s. I wake up well rested at 6:30am. At 6:31am, I offer to provide the lovely Mrs. Lynch with some unforgettable romance. At 6:31 and 5 seconds, the lovely Mrs. Lynch feigns playing hard to get and respectfully declines my generous offer of magical love. We have a leisurely bacon and egg breakfast and leave for the Cleveland airport at 7:15am. We arrive at our gate 1 hour prior to our 9am departure and laugh and converse with the other 14 bowling cruisers on this flight.

By 12:45pm we have arrived in Fort Lauderdale, collected our checked baggage, secured $12 per person, air conditioned shuttle service to the port of Miami, followed the signage that said something to the effect of “My Bowling League Cruise Passengers please do not wait in these long lines, but instead, please proceed to the VIP lounge where we will immediately check you in while you relax on our comfortable couches.” At 1:15pm 28 of the 30 MBL Booze Cruisers were on deck with their Open Bar Card in one hand and an umbrella drink in the other. (total per person transportation cost $293, travel time 5.5 hours)


Mariabella, the 31 year old single heiress to the Bank of Argentina was immediately smitten with Ole Martin V, and go figure, all of a sudden the lovely Mrs. Lynch started paying attention to the King Pin.

The itinerary that Chip chose was the following: Wake up at 3:30am, skip showering and have a rushed Cheetos and Dr. Pepper breakfast before leaving for the Akron-Canton airport at 4am. Board the 5:50am Air-Tran flight to a bustling Atlanta airport where they will have a relaxing 4 hour and 52 minute layover. They will then board the connecting flight, “originally scheduled” to arrive in Miami at 2:37pm.

Clearly, no one could have ever predicted the possibility that the connecting flight would be delayed; but oddly enough, that’s just what happened. By the time that flight became airborne, the new arrival time was 3:41pm. Even a guy who attended Cathedral Latin High School could figure out that the math was not in his favor. Tighe would have a total of 19 minutes for his plane to taxi to the gate, go to baggage claim, wait for his checked luggage, and hail a $40 cab for the 20 minute ride to the ship.


Tighe would have normally tried to split the 4 passenger cab with six other people, but Hazzead Shazzez could sense Chip (pronounce cheap in Arabic) was in a hurry.

By 1pm, Sherry Tighe had the sense to text PJ Buynack and alert him of the situation. PJ immediately went to the customer service desk on the Lido deck where he learned that the Tighe’s plane had 26 passengers on board who were scheduled to be on this ship. However, 24 of those 26 had purchased their air travel directly through Carnival Cruise Lines. By 3pm, Carnival had already made Ritz-Carlton hotel and dinner reservation, and Sunday morning flight arrangements, not to mention, all ground transportation requirements for those 24 people to meet up with the ship in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. The ship would be leaving on schedule at 4pm.


Hey Mr. Thrifty, maybe next year you can book yourself on a real “value vessel” The Haitian High Seas funship "Destiny America."

As news spread of the Tighe’s situation, someone decided to conduct a non-scientific survey, which showed that 20% of the bowling cruisers were actively praying for Chip and Sherry to make the boat. The other 80% were actively praying for Sherry to make the boat and for Chip to miss it. PJ decided that, somehow, someway, he had to convince Carnival to hold the boat, well at least for Sherry. I’m not sure who he talked to, or what he said, but at precisely 4:27pm the following three things happened simultaneously. The gangway was separated from the ship, the ropes tethering the ship were removed from the iron cleat, and the Tighes jumped on board. (total per person transportation cost $282, travel time 12.5 hours…….btw, those were roughly the same travel times coming back to Cleveland….and I almost forgot, 3.5 hours of open bar he paid for but wasn’t on board to drink, $68)


Chip tried to save even more money by flying Bow Wow Airlines; unfortunately, they only had one seat available.

Is there even more stupid Tighe shit to this story than what I've told you? Yes, of course there is. Are there other ridiculous Booze Cruise stories for me to share? Yes, of course there are, however, I prefer to save them for another blog.

Slowly recalling things,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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