News – About Members Only - Mostly

It’s easy to keep up with everybody during the bowling season, but since that’s been over for a couple of months, I figured that it would be a good idea if I give you a little bit of the news that has crossed my desk recently.

Maybe it’s me but I think Greg Cira looked way better before he went to the Bosley Hair Restoration Clinic.

This is kind of a quasi member spotlight. For those of you who don’t know, Terry and Sue Wise will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary, but that’s not really a big deal. The fact that they began dating when they were 12 is odd, sort of cute really, but not unheard of. The interesting thing, as I have recently come to learn, is that Sue’s maiden name was also Wise. Now that’s uncommon, but it’s not nearly as uncommon as the fact that these to love birds are actually first cousins; their fathers are half brothers.

How could this be? That’s against the law isn’t it? Well, as I did my research, I learned that there is nothing illegal about marrying your relative. People have been making fun of those inbreeding West Virginians for years, saying that it screws up the gene pool and dumbs down the family lineage. Well I think that Sue and Terry’s children prove that there is no truth to that urban myth.

The Wise kids, Rue and Jerry were happy to accompany one other to the Mayfield Prom; a serious romance could be budding.

If Nick Longo, errrrrr, Dick Dongo thinks dying his hair and pretending to be really happy will make him unrecognizable, he better think again.

We almost had a real Hollywood Star come right out of My Bowling League, but it just wasn’t meant to be.

Mike Reimer was gonna play the lead in the big screen movie about the life of actor John Goodman. He lost the role when the producers realized that Mike still had to lose 50 pounds.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin


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A Week in Review

ROCK N ROLL

My wife had VIP tickets to The Rock n Roll Hall of Fame Fundraiser this past Saturday night. Knowing that I didn’t have any rock and roll clothes to wear, I convinced PJ Buynack to take Sue to the event. His one job was to make sure that Sue didn’t do anything to embarrass me; and it’s now clear, he didn’t do a good job of that. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the lovely Mrs. Lynch is well on her way to becoming a crack whore.

I leave her out of my sight for 4 hours and the next thing I know I’m getting text photos from people I know who are also at the event. The most disturbing of which shows Sue on the dance floor with MC Hammer backing her trunk into the dude’s junk. Anyone who knows my wife knows two things; she’s not real friendly, and she hates touching people or being touched by people. So while I don’t have the stomach to show you the dirty dancing photo’s of Suzanne being treated like one of Seattle Slews’ stud filly’s, I can show you the least painful picture I received. Am I mistaken or does Sue appear to be both friendly and touchy feely with her new rapper pal.

MC was figuring it was hammer time when the “former” lovely Mrs. Lynch trotted by.


PJ Buynack already had the perfect Rock n Roll outfit; and thank goodness, he found the perfect rug.


Ron Szuch also made an appearance at the Rock Hall Fundraiser.


My Bowling League Heads to Florida


Sooner or later it was bound to happen; My Bowling League has branched out to the Sunshine state for a little fresh material. With My Bowling Leagues in Naples and Daytona Beach, there should be ample opportunity for current Cleveland members to pick up a road game when they’re vacationing down south.

The Naples league will not be a mentally stimulating place to be because the majority of the initial members are descendents of the Isphording clan. For those of you unaware of the Isphording family history, let me sum it up by saying that there are 4 generations and 128 family members living in a 6 block radius of one another, and not one of them has finished high school. Shit, half of them never made it to high school, and it’s a safe bet that the other half can’t spell high school. Nonetheless, this big group of carnival ride operators and Slurpy servers are a fun bunch of kind hearted dim wits.

Former Clevelander’s Tom and Dave Isphording, along with two other hairless goofy bastards, make up Florida Team 1, “The Bowling Balds”

Margie Isphording Hull (3rd from right) has plenty of relatives to sub for Florida Team 2 “Margie and the Beave Waxer’s”

I don’t anticipate that the Daytona Beach League will be full of genius’ either. After all, it is home to NASCAR and Motorcycle Week. So, even if these people had some smarts, everyone’s eardrums are shot and nobody can understand anything anybody says. Megen Boswell will be the point person if this league does actually happen, in the mean time; her only job is to sell “My Bowling League Spring Break” T-shirts to all the hapless and drunk college kids who spend the week pissing on her sidewalk. I’m hoping those revenues will fund next year’s bowling banquet, which we will talk about later.

The yet to be named Florida Team 3 is lead by, Bi-Polar Megen Boswell (left) and her very popular alter-ego Megen Boozewell (right) I believe she/they still need at least 3 more teammates.

This league may take a while to grow, but I think when word spreads of the unique talents and personalities the league has to offer, it may gain steam quickly.


I know that a lot of people leave Cleveland and move to Florida, but I don’t share that same dream because once you get past the lack of sunshine, Cleveland is way better place to live, if you can keep a few things in mind.

For those people who bitch about the gloomy, freezing winter weather up north, might I ask you the last time Hurricane Anything tore through your house and blew your refrigerator a mile down the road?

Typical activity on a bad weather day in Cleveland (left) and a typical activity on a bad weather day in Florida (right)

The squirrels and skunks are definitely a nuisance, but when was the last time you let your kids play in the backyard and had to worry that an alligator might stroll by and eat them?

Typical Florida backyard (left) and a typical Cleveland backyard (right)

Granted, Lake Erie doesn’t have miles of white sandy beaches, let alone inches of it, and yes you can get stung by bees and bitten by flies, but you have to admit, it beats the hell out of being stung by jellyfish and bitten by sharks.

Typical day on Lake Erie (left) and a typical day in the Atlantic Ocean (right)

Well, enough of my warm welcome, I'll be back with bowling news soon.

Happy Birthday to the Lovely Mrs. Lynch!

Oh, p.s. fellas....if you tell your wife she looks like a cougar, explain that you mean she could get a guy 15 years younger than her. Do not say it's because she looks 15 years older than you.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Some This, That, The Other

THIS
NOT BOOZE CRUISE NEWS YET

I’m not sure that the airport TSA agents or, for that matter, anybody at The Department of
Homeland Security has the slightest clue what they’re doing. They let some dude named Faisal Shahzad purchase a last minute, one way airline ticket, in cash, to Pakistan. Oh, and I forgot to mention that his name was on the no fly list. In fact, not just his name, but his age, his birth date, his address, every necessary bit of information needed to identify the precise individual that we do not want to let on a plane. Yes, I am talking about the would-be Times Square bomber.

Oddly enough, my name also happens to be on a no fly list. It turns out that there is a gentleman named Martin Lynch living in Belfast, Northern Ireland, who was believed to have handled the day to day operations of the Provisional Irish Republican Army. I have been detained several times, but strangely, I am not detained every time. In fact, I kind of get pissed when I’m not stopped. I get concerned when I am quickly ticketed and whisked through the TSA checkpoint. Don’t these people realize who I am, I mean, who I could be. For god’s sake, pay attention people.

So let me get this straight, no TSA red flags come up for Faisal Shahzad (left) but for the threatening looking Martin Lynch (right) we make the dogs start sniffing.

.

So on our recent Booze Cruise does TSA stop me, this guy named Martin Lynch whose name is on the no-fly list? Nope. Do they look at me funny? Nope. Do they even bother to glance at my driver’s license? No Sir-ee Bob. What about Mike Profeta; Give the guy a towel and a prayer rug and he’d be the spitting image of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Do they stop him? No they do not; apparently DHS has bigger fish to fry. These freakin yahoos decide that the real potential threat on this flight was my 80 year old mother who we were tooling around in an airport wheelchair.

I’ve known Mike Profeta for 10 years, and he appears to be a very hard working and honorable man. However, there are a few things that do make me lift my eyebrows. First, in the last 3 years he has made a total of 21 trips to Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and Kuwait. Second, though I have spent hours upon hours discussing his business with him, I still haven’t figured out what exactly it is that he does. And lastly, but not the least concerning, is that he prefers to eat by himself while sitting cross legged on the floor.

Now, having said that, I am in no way trying to insinuate that Mike is any kind of threat to this country whatsoever, but if I’m a TSA guy and Allibaba Profeta hands me his passport, and he blasts me with that nasty curry breath, I guarantee you that I’m going to at least ask a question or two.

So let me get this straight, no TSA red flags come up for Mike “Sheik Mohammad” (left) but for the threatening looking Charlotte “Sheik My Momma” (right) we make the dogs start sniffing.

THAT

FACEBOOK BIRTHDAYS

Is there some kind of Miss Manners or etiquette guide for determining which of your Facebook friends you are required to wish a Happy Birthday? Okay look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush, I just had a birthday and my math says that only 25.87% of my Facebook friends took the time to wish me a happy birthday. I think that kind of sucks, but I don’t know for sure; for all I can gather, maybe that’s actually pretty good. I figured it was time to throw my Sherlock Holmes hat back on and see what I could come up with.

Since Sherry Tighe shares my birthday, and since she’s fairly popular and well liked, I decided that I would find out how she fared in our Facebook happy birthday derby. Turns out she didn’t do quite as well as Ole Martin V. Her 25.76% response rate (mostly family I should point out) kind of made me feel better.

However, while I was doing my investigating I uncovered something interesting; in fact, it was almost troubling until I worked my way through it. It turns out that Linda Carney, Katy Profeta, PJ Buynack, and Dee Dee Bondra are FB friends of both Sherry and the King Pin. As I did my cross referencing, flow charts, graphs, and statistical probability measurements, I realized that these four people wished Sherry a happy birthday, but failed to take the time to acknowledge my special day on Facebook.

Now I know that Linda was dealing with a medical emergency so I can let her off the hook; even though she found a way to break free of that emergency long enough to post something for Sherry, but never mind that, I’ll give her a pass.

Before performing her boil removal surgery, doctors instructed Linda Carney to first undergo a painful emergency room ass wax procedure.

I’m pretty sure that Katy Profeta has the hots for me, big time. So it clearly makes sense that she would intentionally not send wishes my way. She’s a smart girl and realizes she shouldn’t do anything to arouse suspicions. Besides that, I think she’s grown accustomed to pining for me in the solitude of her own fantasy world. PJ did not Facebook me a happy birthday, but I went back to my cell phone and verified that he sent me a text birthday wish, so he’s good.

Katy Profeta trying to figure out a nonchalant way of sinking her claws into Ole Martin V.

That leaves Dee Dee Bondra as the only crossover friend that I cannot find a way to explain her blatant, mean spirited thoughtlessness. I went round and round and round, until finally I came to the only logical conclusion there could possibly be. Dee Dee knows how sensitive I am, and she intentionally set out to hurt my feelings.

Dee Dee Bondra sinks her first needle into her King Pin voodoo doll. What an evil woman.

The lovely Mrs. Lynch told me that I should have put out a FB post thanking everyone for their warm birthday wishes. I was about to do just that when it dawned on me that the FB post would also be sent to the other 75% of my “alleged” friends who didn’t bother to take a measly 30 seconds out of their “busy” day to acknowledge my birthday. Like I’ve said all along; you people suck.

THE OTHER

MOTHER'S DAY

Mother’s Day is bullshit, but Father’s Day makes perfect sense; and here’s why. On Father’s Day guys behave like father’s; they cut the grass, they pull weeds, they put down mulch, they fix broken bicycles, they play catch with the kids, and because it’s part of the job description, they try and convince the old lady to throw a little snatch their way. On Mother’s Day, women bitch that it’s Mother’s Day and that they shouldn’t have to do a god damn thing. They obviously have mistaken Mother’s Day for Queen’s Day, which I should point out, does not exist.

On Mother’s Day, women should behave like mothers. They should strap themselves to their daughter’s side for the day, dust off the Easy Bake Oven, throw some cookies in there, drag out the Singer sewing machine and hem some shit. Following that, they should plant some pretty flowers and then grab a pile of coupons and go grocery shopping. When they get back and unload the bags, they should whip up a meatloaf and surround it with a bunch of starchy food, and of course, those cookies they just made. A mother’s sole job is to teach her daughter how to one day be a mother herself. One who, when the time comes will have learned all of the necessary maternal skilled required to enable her to take proper care of a family.

So ladies, stop whining to your kids about how awful the morning sickness was, how sore your back got, how swollen your fingers and feet became, and just how terribly painful labor and delivery were. To listen to you women, you’d think you were the first, last, and only female to ever plop a kid out. It ain’t that tough; otherwise, 93% of you women wouldn’t have gone back and done it again. So suck it up, grab your husband a beer, assuming you haven’t run him off; and make sure you don’t bother him during the Cavaliers game. Better yet, why don’t you go to your room by yourself and watch a little Lifetime Television, and perhaps catch up on your beauty rest.


Oh, p.s. happy mother’s day!

Oh, p.s.s. this mother's day post was an anonymous entry

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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Planes, Trains, and Chip is still an Idiot

Here we go again. Chip “Mr. Thrifty” Tighe sure showed all of us just what a terrific bargain shopper he is. The minute he hung up the phone after booking his airfare he couldn't wait to start bragging about how he saved a grand total of $39.86 on his and Sherry’s airline travel to and from the “My Bowling League Booze Cruise” ship in Miami last week.

Bear with me as I attempt to explain the seemingly unexplainable behavior of what could be the cheapest, and dumbest bastard on the entire freakin’ planet.

Issue 1: The Carnival Funship, "Destiny" will depart the port of Miami at 4pm Saturday April 24th. Our little “Julie McCoy,” PJ Buynack, sent out his standard travel informational email, as he has done each year, well in advance so that everyone going on the cruise has plenty of time to make travel arrangements. Included as a courtesy were the details of two non-stop Continental flights leaving Cleveland for either Miami or Fort Lauderdale departing 9am, arriving 11:45am. Also included were these instructions; whatever flight you book, make sure your plane is scheduled to arrive “by” 1pm, and under no circumstance should you book a flight “requiring” a connection in another city.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with just how screwed up, scrambled, and miss-wired the inter-workings of Chip Tighe’s brain are, let me explain a little further. I can assure you that Chip read the exact same instructions as everybody else, but because of his odd incestual gene pool, this is what actually registered in this dickheads skull….. whatever flight you book, make sure your plane is scheduled to arrive “after” 1pm, and under no circumstance should you book a flight “that does not require ” a connection in another city.


The standard male brain wiring


Chip's tangled mess brain wiring

Maybe I’m missing something, but please tell me if the itinerary I chose for the Lynch’s, was a better overall value than the itinerary Chip chose for the Tighe’s. I wake up well rested at 6:30am. At 6:31am, I offer to provide the lovely Mrs. Lynch with some unforgettable romance. At 6:31 and 5 seconds, the lovely Mrs. Lynch feigns playing hard to get and respectfully declines my generous offer of magical love. We have a leisurely bacon and egg breakfast and leave for the Cleveland airport at 7:15am. We arrive at our gate 1 hour prior to our 9am departure and laugh and converse with the other 14 bowling cruisers on this flight.

By 12:45pm we have arrived in Fort Lauderdale, collected our checked baggage, secured $12 per person, air conditioned shuttle service to the port of Miami, followed the signage that said something to the effect of “My Bowling League Cruise Passengers please do not wait in these long lines, but instead, please proceed to the VIP lounge where we will immediately check you in while you relax on our comfortable couches.” At 1:15pm 28 of the 30 MBL Booze Cruisers were on deck with their Open Bar Card in one hand and an umbrella drink in the other. (total per person transportation cost $293, travel time 5.5 hours)


Mariabella, the 31 year old single heiress to the Bank of Argentina was immediately smitten with Ole Martin V, and go figure, all of a sudden the lovely Mrs. Lynch started paying attention to the King Pin.

The itinerary that Chip chose was the following: Wake up at 3:30am, skip showering and have a rushed Cheetos and Dr. Pepper breakfast before leaving for the Akron-Canton airport at 4am. Board the 5:50am Air-Tran flight to a bustling Atlanta airport where they will have a relaxing 4 hour and 52 minute layover. They will then board the connecting flight, “originally scheduled” to arrive in Miami at 2:37pm.

Clearly, no one could have ever predicted the possibility that the connecting flight would be delayed; but oddly enough, that’s just what happened. By the time that flight became airborne, the new arrival time was 3:41pm. Even a guy who attended Cathedral Latin High School could figure out that the math was not in his favor. Tighe would have a total of 19 minutes for his plane to taxi to the gate, go to baggage claim, wait for his checked luggage, and hail a $40 cab for the 20 minute ride to the ship.


Tighe would have normally tried to split the 4 passenger cab with six other people, but Hazzead Shazzez could sense Chip (pronounce cheap in Arabic) was in a hurry.

By 1pm, Sherry Tighe had the sense to text PJ Buynack and alert him of the situation. PJ immediately went to the customer service desk on the Lido deck where he learned that the Tighe’s plane had 26 passengers on board who were scheduled to be on this ship. However, 24 of those 26 had purchased their air travel directly through Carnival Cruise Lines. By 3pm, Carnival had already made Ritz-Carlton hotel and dinner reservation, and Sunday morning flight arrangements, not to mention, all ground transportation requirements for those 24 people to meet up with the ship in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. The ship would be leaving on schedule at 4pm.


Hey Mr. Thrifty, maybe next year you can book yourself on a real “value vessel” The Haitian High Seas funship "Destiny America."

As news spread of the Tighe’s situation, someone decided to conduct a non-scientific survey, which showed that 20% of the bowling cruisers were actively praying for Chip and Sherry to make the boat. The other 80% were actively praying for Sherry to make the boat and for Chip to miss it. PJ decided that, somehow, someway, he had to convince Carnival to hold the boat, well at least for Sherry. I’m not sure who he talked to, or what he said, but at precisely 4:27pm the following three things happened simultaneously. The gangway was separated from the ship, the ropes tethering the ship were removed from the iron cleat, and the Tighes jumped on board. (total per person transportation cost $282, travel time 12.5 hours…….btw, those were roughly the same travel times coming back to Cleveland….and I almost forgot, 3.5 hours of open bar he paid for but wasn’t on board to drink, $68)


Chip tried to save even more money by flying Bow Wow Airlines; unfortunately, they only had one seat available.

Is there even more stupid Tighe shit to this story than what I've told you? Yes, of course there is. Are there other ridiculous Booze Cruise stories for me to share? Yes, of course there are, however, I prefer to save them for another blog.

Slowly recalling things,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Getting Reaquainted

THANKS FOR NOTHING

It’s been a month and a half since I put anything on the blog, and guess what? Not one of you selfish bastards picked up the phone to see if I was okay. No one dropped me an email, nor did any of you even bother to check with the neighbors. In short, not a single person took the time to show the slightest bit of concern for my well being. Which only goes to prove what I’ve been saying all along; you people totally suck. There I was laid up for weeks as some asshole doctor diagnosed me with Neurocysticercosis, then with Colchicine poisoning, followed by Arteriovenous. After this freak changed his mind again and decided that I had Delayed-onset Common Variable Immunodeficiency (CVID) – Secondary to phenytoin-mediated Epstein-Barr virus infection, my wife Sue, who prefers to be introduced as Suzanne, took me home and gave me a double Fleet enema; and I hate to admit it, but I’ve felt fine ever since.


Do not let this Dr. House guy admit you; he’s kind of a dick.


FINAL BOWLING RECAP FOR SEASON 3

Bowling is over for Season III and it doesn’t matter who won or lost in the championship match on March 14th. What matters is; will there be a banquet, and will there be a Season IV. Unfortunately, I don’t have a definitive answer about the banquet at this time; but it is safe to say that for some of you, neither the banquet nor Season IV will be in your future.

The lovely Mrs. Lynch has strongly suggested that I not arbitrarily throw any teams out of the league this year, nor am I allowed to badger people who don’t want to return. I thought I was upholding the integrity of the league by eliminating the dead weight, and by harassing those who would turn their back on my fellow members. Therefore, I have decided to disband the league entirely, and start the new and improved “My Bowling League.” This way if any team doesn’t want to bowl next year, they can simply forget to fill out the new application. And for those teams that I don’t want back next year, I can just claim that I never received their application.


If you look closely you may see the name Bondra on that application. This would fall under the never received category.


WAS MIKE BROWN ON THE CLOCK?

Mike Brown may not be as big a dick as his wife Tina thinks he is……but after reading this link, I think it will be pretty clear to all of us that our boy Browner will go to great lengths to get out of going to work on Fridays.

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2010/04/a_farewell_to_an_old_soldier_w.html




THE MY BOWLING LEAGUE BOOZE CRUISE

The short answer is, I don’t remember it too clearly. However, in the very near future I predict things will be coming back to me; and when they do, I’ll be sure to do at least a brief recap.

Stay tuned, I’ll be back in the groove soon.


Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!