This past week we had over a 150 visitors to the blog, yet somehow only 19 of you ass wipes managed to click a box and vote for a Pimp Daddy. I should have known better than to count on you lazy bastards to do anything. Shit, you people can’t even reset the bowling pins without someone holding your hand; which means that I must be a complete idiot for thinking you could actually point and click.
Anyhow, for those of you who have heard that I was going to try and turn the Weekly Bowling Updates, and your replies to those updates into a book; well, there might be some truth to that, but I’m not confirming anything at this time. I will say that the idea did come to me after several people told me that they forward those Updates on to people who don’t even know who the people in our league are. I guess that after reading a few of them, people start to get a feel for who everyone is, in fact, people across the entire country now know that the name Nick Longo has many international interpretations; the most common of which is, flaming asshole. So, in an effort to help these strangers get an immediate feel for who our members are, I did a brief introduction of each team. This way, by the time the Weekly Updates start in the book, the reader will already know who everyone is.
Not exactly what I meant, but you get the idea.
Now, this will clearly be described as a work of fiction, but the ever compassionate King Pin will be happy to change your name upon request; and you can then decide if you’d prefer to use your real name. For example; PJ Buynack asked for a name change, so he became BJ Ballsnack, then decided to stick with the real name. The same held true for the award winning Ms. Naymick who briefly became Yvonda N. Mydik before she returned to her given name.
You can try to stay anonymous, but there are no guarantees.
With that in mind, I decided that I would veer off the Bowler Spotlight a little bit this week, and instead give you a sample of what an actual team introduction would look like in the book.
Chapter 13………………..THE PIN HEADS
In the mean time, I figure I’ll call the Bondra’s and get them squared away. John Bondra is a chiropractor; he used to be a chiroquackter until I threw my back out and had to use his services. I figure he’ll be good to have at the lanes in case I twist something while I’m bowling. His wife Carla is a piece of work; she definitely is funny and always has an entertaining tale to tell. I remember when I first met her; she was telling a story about how she was at the gym working out. She describes how she is seated on one of those nautilus leg press machines, and how it reminds her of being in stirrups at the OBGYN office. Then she says that her handsome personal trainer was adjusting the position of her legs, and in doing so, he pushed her knees outward. That outward push must have opened a space between the ribbing of her underwear and her inner thigh because at that very moment she and the trainer both watched a fruit fly escape from her snatch. So being quick on her feet, what does Carla say to the trainer? “That’s not mine.”
Carla releasing the fly................. which sent her handsome personal trainer into a major anxiety fit.
I figured that if she was willing to tell that story to me, there’s no reason I can’t tell it to whomever I want. And by now, I’ve probably told it 100 times. The amazing thing is that I’ve had that story told back to me by other people, the difference is that instead of fruit flies coming out of her shorts, there were bats, and pigeons, and hornets. Hell, someone even told me that Carla was using that area as a nesting place for cocoons and a breeding ground for tadpoles. Just goes to show you how people can take a factual story and turn it into fiction; I hate when people do that.
Her sister-in-law Dee Dee Bondra is listening to the story and says that the same thing happened to her, only worse! She says that she and Carla were at the gym and that she was on that same machine with the same handsome personal trainer, and he loads a ton of weight on the machine and tells Dee Dee to start pushing . She couldn’t budge it, so he said come on Dee Dee, come on, you can do it. So she reaches back and with every ounce of strength she has she pushes, and right then, she lets out the most enormous fart she’s ever had in her whole entire life. So being quick on her feet, what does she say to the trainer? “That wasn’t me that was Carla." Now rumor has it that it was a little “scarier” than just an enormous fart, but I like to stick to facts and will assume that she didn’t really have to change her diaper and wipe down her back.
Dee Dee showing off her most recent Mother's Day gift..... as her handsome personal trainer tries to describe the enormity of her blast.
Dee Dee’s husband Tony is standing right there listening to this story, and I have to admit, as he was shaking his head, he didn’t have that “I’m so glad I married her” look on his face. Tony never says much, when he does, he usually just grumbles. That’s probably because Dee Dee never stops talking long enough for him to get a word in. As I watch him shake his head, and listen to him growling, I start to see that cartoon character, the Tasmanian Devil. Some people describe Tony as a fireplug, or a tank, you know, short and stocky. Obviously, I’m a little more personal than that. He’s definitely the Tasmanian Devil; short and square from the waist up, and skinny little legs from the waist down. Granted, he’s got a little less hair, but other than that, we’re talking twins.
Like I said, twins.
Oh, and by the way, his brother John Bondra will likely be the only metro-sexual we have in the league. I imagine that he’ll stop by Saks Fifth Avenue looking for some Ralph Lauren bowling sandals, and perhaps a vibrant silk scarf.
Oh yeah. John definitely went on a shopping spree; but at least he's ready to bowl.
I can definitely see why John and Tony started dating those two girls. What I can’t figure out is why they kept dating them. Once you get past those ridiculous, though funny stories, they’re really not much more than a couple of endless talking, loud mouth, pain in the ass irritants. Nonetheless, by now it should be apparent that all of the Bondra’s are easily scoring an invite to My Bowling League.
OK people, there is a sample chapter; and rest assured, I’ve got an equally complimentary introduction for all of you.
Dee Dee bidding us all a fond farewell.
Likewise, a fond farewell,
Marty Lynch
The King Pin
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Marty - when does bowling start? Inquiring minds want to know...
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