Some New Year's Resolutions.......For You.

As your trusted King Pin, I would like to wish everyone a joyous and prosperous New Year, and state emphatically that I pray for nothing but the very best for each and every one of you. (you can choose to believe that if you wish) As I reflect on the happenings of 2009, the inauguration of Barak Obama leaps out at me. As we all know, elections have consequences; some are coincidental, and some, well maybe not so much. For example the four teams that “chose” (wink, wink) not to return, all happened to be ardent and vocal supporters of our new president. Coincidence?

Anyhow, as it appears that our president, a.k.a., Bo Rock Yo Momma knows what’s best for us; I began to realize that I too, know what’s best for you guys. So with that in mind, I have decided that I will not be asking any of you what your New Year’s resolution is; oh contraire, I will be telling you what your resolution will be. Furthermore, your future/continuous membership in My Bowling League will depend on your successful adherence to whatever I have decided is best for you. Should your name not appear on this random listing, you are either an afterthought, or I’ve already decided to get rid of you next season.

Therefore:

Abigail Sirselle resolves to stop shaving Jim Sirselle’s balls every week, and Jim Sirselle resolves not to shave Abigail’s mustache every day.

Andy Mellen resolves to work at least one full 8 hour day this year. Which means he’s going to have to stop working for Cuyahoga County and get a private sector job. Art teacher Edie Mellen resolves to teach just one Euclid High School student, just one thing, that they could actually use on a 10th grade proficiency exam.

Bill Weil resolves to never lose a single game of bowling to his mother-in-law, let alone be so pitiful as to lose 3 games in one night. Likewise, Beth DeBaggis resolves to never say to her daughter Heather how disappointed she is that she has such a pussy for a son-in-law.

Mark Byrne resolves to wear a ballerina dress to bowling so that he looks more natural when he releases the ball. To put Byrnes at ease, Terry Wise resolves not to arouse himself by looking up Mark’s dress.

Sue Lynch resolves not to cut people off on the highway, and Andrew Ryzner, Greg Cira, Tom Rudibaugh, Tony Bondra, Dale Politi, Greg Ferrazza, and Jim Klingman resolve not to call me to inform me what a shitty driver my wife is.

Jennifer Cira resolves to wear that special bra that her husband Greg got her for Valentine’s Day, so that her A-cupper’s can be transformed into what appear to be C-cupper’s; and Cindy Lembach resolves to pretend to be impressed by Jennifer’s new found cleavage.

Mayor Scott Coleman resolves to call the Regional Income Tax Authority and have them forgive the $579.83 that I now owe them because he thought raising local income taxes was a great idea. Councilman Scott Mills resolves to begin accepting bribes like every other decent politician in Cuyahoga County does.

Kate Gavin resolves to bring George Costanza with her to bowling because he always had the decency to buy me a beer, and she has yet to show that same generosity.

Carla Bondra resolves to teach George Argie how to talk more, and George Argie resolves to teach Carla Bondra how to talk less; and each and every one of us resolve to pray that George is more successful.

Dee Dee Bondra resolves to get her team to show up every week to bowl, and I resolve to keep giving Dee Dee shit even if she gets her team shows up every week to bowl.

Chip Tighe resolves not to lurk around my house trying to catch a peek of my wife getting out of the shower and into her underwear, and I resolve to never again say Sue is taking a shower when Chip asks me what my wife is doing.

Maria Gaeta resolves to return the naming rights to the Sausage, along with the actual hardware; and Phil Gaeta resolves to concentrate a little more so that perhaps his “software” might be mistaken for hardware by his wife.

Bill Davis resolves to either sell at least one insurance policy this year, or learn how to stand out in the cold and deliver a weather report. Michelle Davis resolves to get used to Bill not being around the house at 6 and 11pm week nights.

Sue Wise resolves to stop talking as though she’s being paid for every syllable she utters. Similarly, Mike Reimer resolves to be udder-less by the end of 2010.

Brian Kane resolves to get is doctors license so that after 18 years of avoiding apprehension, he can finally practice his profession of optometry legally. Cristen Kane resolves to go on-line and obtain a bogus doctors license so that after 18 years avoiding apprehension, her husband can sort of practice his profession of optometry legally.

Linda Carney resolves to hold all of her family reunions at a local chapter AA meeting, so that all the Carney’s can kill two birds with one stone.

Dick Dongo resolves to change his reputation so that each time his name is spoken; the first response won’t be “what did the asshole do this time.” Likewise, Susanna Longo resolves to only make food that when eaten, my asshole’s first response won’t be “what the hell did she put in that shit.”

Natalie Treibatch resolves to agree to DNA testing once her baby is born; so that the rumors that it’s not her husband Irving’s kid will be put to bed quickly; or perhaps confirmed expeditiously.

Jennifer Creech resolves to stop using her husband’s jock itch, even though he has no use for it, and Matt Creech resolves to stop using his wife’s eyeliner even though the color is much better on him.

Ann Marie Mills and Martha Coleman resolve to stop making excuses for their dumb ass husbands every time they do something stupid at a city council meeting. Which I’m pretty sure would be every meeting.

Sherry Tighe resolves to stop asking The King Pin to come over and render his opinion every time she buys a new pair of thong panties; and The King Pin resolves to continue to claim it happens at least twice a month.

Dave Miller resolves to come up with a personality this year. He then resolves to give half of that personality to his wife Mimi. This way, by the end of the year, both of them will at least have some personality.

Katy Profeta resolves to say at least one kind thing about her husband this year. Mike Profeta resolves not to hold his breath waiting for that to happen.

TJ Sell resolves to leave our waitress Michelle a tip this year. Michelle the waitress resolves to pull a Mike Profeta and not hold her breath waiting for that to happen.

Karen Politi resolves to no longer put marijuana in any of her baking that she brings to bowling. Drinking 14 beers in 3 hours makes driving home tough enough for me as is.

Chiropractor extraordinaire John Bondra resolves not to make every female patient completely disrobe so that he can simply examine her neck. Furthermore, foot doctor Chip Tighe resolves to stop offering free pelvic exams to his 80 year old Medicare patients.

Brian Himmel resolves to let his wife Melissa know that if Tiger can step out on his hot wife like Elin, there’s no reason he can’t step out on her. Oddly enough, Melissa resolves to tell Brian if Lorena Bobbitt can whack off her husband’s dick, there’s no reason she can’t whack off his.

Susan Ferrazza resolves to continue to wear those really big glasses so that no one confuses her with Gabrielle Argie; and Gabrielle Argie resolves to pretend to be intelligent, so that no one confuses her with Susan Ferrazza.

Jane Sell and Maddie Klingman resolve to make certain that at least one week this season neither of their husbands will be on the Lady Bug List. I resolve that the earth will explode before that happens.

Mike Richuisa resolves to change his name so that it doesn’t get spelled wrong on the monitor, or he can simply resolve to stop bitching that his name is spelled wrong on the monitor. Either of those two options would be fine.

Ron Szuch resolves to make me take my family to one of his Florida condos. I resolve to accept his offer but instead raffle the condo off at the bowling banquet, which he’ll probably be too busy to attend.

Dawn Rossi resolves to let me pimp her out as an auction item at the bowling banquet. Greg Cira resolves to start the bidding at $3. I resolve to hold out until we get at least $4.

PJ Buynack resolves to contact each and every one of you trying to sell you one of the three remaining cruise cabins so that we can get to the number necessary for free booze. I resolve to speak highly of the three people who purchase those cabins, or better yet, not speak of them at all.

Yo Yo Naymick resolves to stop telling her fiancé Andrew Ryzner that he drinks too much; and Andrew resolves not drink more than a case of beer per day, give or take a twelve pack.

Amy Byrne resolves not to poison her husband Mark’s food in an attempt to collect on his insurance policy. You know what, let’s change that. Amy Byrne resolves to buy a large life insurance policy from Bill Davis, and then resolves to poison her husband.

Ryan McKinley resolves to stop wearing those T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities, on the outside chance that Edie Mellen wasn’t their teacher and they can actually read them. Regan McKinley resolves to stop buying her husband T-shirts that are disparaging to minorities even though she gets to use her 50% Klan discount on them.

Kathleen Getty and Liz Rudibaugh resolve to swap husbands every other Sunday night so that Patrick Getty doesn’t end up on the Lady Bug List. Both women also resolve not to “put out” for the other’s husband. Kathleen Getty will quickly break that resolution with Mr. Rudibaugh in the unmanned snack bar at Freeway Lanes.

Tina Brown resolves to at least try not to hate her husband. Mike Brown resolves to make Tina’s resolution impossible to carry out.

And most importantly, this year, I resolve to publish the book My Bowling League, Season One. And each of you will resolve to pay the $14.95 cover price the minute that book becomes available.

I’ll let you know when it’s time to bowl; because that's what I do.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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