This, That, and The Other

Here’s a quick wrap up of my St. Patty’s Week, that’s right, it’s no longer just a day.

THIS

As some of you know, I have been a judge in the Cleveland St. Patrick’s Day Parade for the last 6 or so years. You might also remember me telling you that My Bowling League would be entering marchers dressed as bowling pins in this year’s parade. Well, that didn’t happen because I realized that having ten pins and no bowling ball leading the way would look a little stupid. I had the pin costumes ready to go, but unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with a bowling ball costume that looked as good or as real as the pins. Then, the day after the parade I saw one of our very own bowlers zipping down the road on his snazzy two-wheeler……………I’m pretty sure I found the missing piece for next year’s parade.


Hey Mike Brown, I have a job for you.


My sister Beth claims I never told her that we pulled out of the parade. She also said that I should have put eye holes in the bowling pin costume. I think she’s right on both accounts.


THAT

Last weekend I went to a restaurant called Stone Mad; it’s an Irish bar on West 65th Street near Detroit Road. If you haven’t been there I would definitely recommend it, well, with one caveat that is. If you order the banana peppers stuffed with the spicy-hot sausage, be prepared to flat out scream the next time you sit on the toilet. If you’re not used to food like that, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get the blow dryer ready and set it on cool. After about 20 minutes of steady blow drying, the pulsating heart beat in my butt-hole finally subsided. This was lucky for me because my son grew tired of holding the blow dryer and pointing it at my ass. The good news for him is that I did keep my word and took him to the Dollar Store right afterwards.


My youngest son just before he learned how to help cool daddy down.


As you can see, my oldest son has had a bit more experience helping dear old dad.

Anyhow, the ambiance at Stone Mad is great; the stone work is incredible, and the menu is terrific. Furthermore, the outdoor patio is beautiful, and believe it or not, this Irish pub has an indoor bocce court for my Italian friends. However, there is one thing that puzzles me; I’m not sure if I should recommend our waitress Rebecca, or if I should tell you to steer clear of her.


Stone Mad Pub, 1306 West 65th Street, 44102…You’ll love it!

Here’s what happened. The hostess seats us, and then our waitress Rebecca comes over and introducers herself. She then points to two other waitresses across the room and informs us that she is training them and don’t be surprised if they come to our table to check up on us and help out with the service. Sounds good to me. Rebecca took our order and by golly, we didn’t see her again until she brought the check. In the mean time the other two servers, Gretchen and Kathleen provided us with outstanding service; we wanted for nothing. Water glass empty, here comes Gretchen, need another round, here comes Kathleen. Shit, when we finished eating the owner himself came to clear away the dishes. This girl Rebecca was doing a great job training and directing the staff at Stone Mad, and I would be certain to tell her what an outstanding job she had done, and to tip her handsomely, which I did.

Now check this out. The lovely Mrs. Lynch sends me out to pull the car up for her, and in the mean time; she uses the lady’s room. Anyhow, Sue’s in the stall when the waitresses, Gretchen and Kathleen come in bitching up a storm about that “lazy ass” Rebecca. Turns out, these two gals have been working there for over a year, and Rebecca is the one who just started last week. Sue also overheard the allegation that Rebecca spent the night going back and forth to the parking lot to provide “service” to her fiancée. Which I might point out, kind of makes me happy she didn’t actually serve me anything. Nonetheless, I have to give her credit, because if it weren’t for her not doing a damn thing, I may have had shitty service.


I’m pretty sure Kathleen and Gretchen had no idea Sue was in that stall. I’m also pretty sure Sue drank too much and forgot to pull her panties down.

So back to the original dilemma, should I recommend Rebecca as your server, I’ve got to go with yes, because if Rebecca’s your server you’re likely to have two well trained waitresses keeping an eye on you all night long. And if I were to recommend Gretchen or Kathleen, odds are they would be too busy covering for Rebecca to actually provide their own tables with adequate service.

Gretchen, Rebecca, and Kathleen; just as Meatloaf sang it, “2 out of 3 ain’t bad.”

AND THE OTHER

The lovely Mrs. Lynch and I went looking for a new stove last weekend. We met a very nice and knowledgeable appliance salesman who introduced himself as Allan. I said, “hello Allan, I’m Marty and this is my wife Sue.” My wife immediately turns her face toward me, smugly looks down her nose at me and says, “I prefer to be introduced as Suzanne.” Now as you can probably imagine, there was a ton of shit I thought about saying to my friendless, bitchy wife, but wisely, I didn’t. Instead, I apologized to her and said let me try this again. At which time I said, “hello Allan, I’m Marty and this is my wife Sue, who prefers to be introduced as Suzanne.” ………. I probably should have left it at sorry dear.

This is the oven that Sue and I originally decided was in our budget.

This is the oven Suzanne “preferred” to break the budget with….Maybe by the time we get done with the 72 easy payments, Sue, errrrrrr, Suzanne will have learned how to cook something besides toast.


Boner Appetit,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

.

To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!

An Irish Family

Us Irish folk tend to get a wee bit sentimental around St. Patrick's Day, and then for some reason, we tell long winded stories. We also tend to over-indulge in the spirits and usually forget what story we were telling, nonetheless, indulge me if you will, as I share a story I wrote for my two son's a decade ago.....................and trust me, I'll be back to my usual self tomorrow.

These pictures have nothing to do with this blog, I just kinda like them.

Dear Son,

Do you remember the story that I used to tell you about Emmett O'Malley. Maybe it's time to refresh your memory. In a country called Ireland, in a county called Cork, there lived a family called the O'Malley's. Three generations of O'Malley's lived in a large cluster of charming field stone cottages on top of a hill overlooking a valley. At family celebrations, the entire clan would gather at Grandpa Seamus' home, which sat right in the middle of all the other cottages. On one such occasion, Grandpa Seamus was entertaining all the kids with tales of Irish folk lore. When he finished, he took turns asking all the children what they wanted to do once they were fully grown. A farmer said one, a singer said another, a story-teller, a pub owner, a doctor, and the children went on and on. All the children answered, all the children, except young Emmett.

After the children went about doing other things, Grandpa Seamus grabbed Emmett, put him upon his lap and said " and Emmett me fine lad, what is it that you wish to be when you're a grown man?" Emmett looked square into his grandpa's eyes and said "Grandpa Seamus, when I grow up, I wish to be the richest man in all of Ireland." Grandpa Seamus smiled and said, "tis that a fact, so the richest man in all of Ireland you wish to be, aye me lad?" "Indeed I do" said Emmett. A twinkle came to his eye, and a grin to his face as he told young Emmett that he knew the secret to becoming the richest man in all of Ireland.

Emmett's eyes opened wide as he said "you do, why please tell me grandpa, please tell." Grandpa Seamus looked at Emmett quite seriously and said, "Emmett sweet lad, have you heard the tale that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?" "Why of course" said Emmett, "tis it true grandpa?" Grandpa Seamus nodded his head and replied, "Indeed it is Emmett. All you must do is get to the end of that rainbow and you will find your pot of gold, and I assure you lad, you will be the richest man in all of Ireland."

A few days later the rain came. As the rain was letting up, the sun began to shine, and a beautiful rainbow appeared. It stretched out from above his head, clear across the valley, and over to the other hillside. Emmett set out to find his pot of gold, and become the richest man in all of Ireland. Emmett hadn't gotten far, when the mist subsided and the rainbow suddenly disappeared. He would not get to the end of the rainbow that day. Emmett would try again and again. First he jogged, but to no avail. Then he ran, the result the same. He would try by mule, then by bicycle, yet still he couldn't reach the end of the rainbow. His childhood years and his teenage years would pass, but Emmett kept trying to get to the end of the rainbow. He wanted desperately to find that pot of gold and become the richest man in all of Ireland.

As time passed, Emmett took a wife and became a father. He built himself his own cottage in the thick of the cluster and worked along side his kin on the family farm. Grandpa Seamus became Great Grandpa Seamus, yet he remained quick as a whip and stayed as fit as a fiddle. Emmett still hadn't given up hope. When the next rain came, Emmett decided he would be ready. One morning he was awakened by thunder. He quickly got dressed and made his way through the rain and into the barn. He sat himself on top of his motorcycle and waited with hopes that a rainbow would appear. As the sun began to rise from beneath the valley; the most beautiful rainbow that Emmett had ever seen rose in the sky. Emmett followed that rainbow right from his barn, clear across the valley, and over to the other hillside. Emmett raced along on his motorcycle. He was more than half way there when he realized he'd never made it this far before. He began talking to the rainbow, please don't disappear he yelled to the sky. The rainbow heard him, and Emmett made it to the other hillside while the rainbow stood bright in the sky. Emmett got off the motorcycle and hurriedly looked all over for the pot of gold. Where is it grandpa, he said to himself. I've made it to the end of the rainbow, where is it, where is the pot of gold. Emmett search frantically, yet he saw no pot of gold. Had his grandpa lied to him, or did someone else beat him to it?

Emmett looked back up to the sky to ensure that he was at the end of the rainbow. His eyes slowly followed the beautiful colors up, and up, and then over across the valley. Finally, he followed the colors back down, and as his eyes reached the bottom of the rainbow he simply stared. What he saw were the roof tops of a cluster of field stone cottages, all of which were occupied, by members of his family. He had never seen a rainbow from this vantage point. And now that he had, he finally understood what Grandpa Seamus was talking about. You see, Emmett never considered that there were two ends of a rainbow. For all these years Emmett was looking for his pot of gold at the wrong end of the rainbow. It was only then that Emmett realized that he was ever so fortunate to have a strong, caring family. A wonderful wife, an adorable child, brothers and sisters, parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, all of whom loved him so very much. It was that very day that Emmett O'Malley finally made it to the end of the rainbow.

He knew in his heart that he did find that pot of gold, and yes, he realized that he was the richest man in all of Ireland.

.

It took me awhile to realize it, but I am Emmett O'Malley.

.

I hope one day that you are too.
.

Love Dad

This picture does mean something. It's the outfit that the lovely Mrs. Lynch will be wearing when I get home tonight!

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!

February 28, 2010 Recap

For those of you who didn’t get a chance to get a good look at the new haircut the lovely Mrs. Lynch surprised me with, here’s the lid I’m walking around with these days.


I told Sue she gave me a shitty haircut. She told me the haircut was fine, I just need to touch up the grey………then she said; oh by the way, now we’re even.

There really is no good way to say this, so screw it, here goes. For the third straight year, “The Spare Me’s” are bowling in the My Bowling League Championship game; but that’s not the bad part. The bad part is the fact that Dick Dongo and “Team Hate” are also playing for this year’s title. It didn’t take me long to realize that no one wants either of these two teams to be crowned the champions, so here is the alternate plan we are going to utilize this year. I’m sure most of you folks are familiar with it because we talked about it last season. This year we are going with the Obama plan.

Very simply put, whoever wins the contest will immediately give their championship title to the team that comes in last place; which this year will be either “No Spare Time” or coincidentally, my squad, “Minds in the Gutter.”


I can’t get the winner on the cover of the Wheaties box, but Campbell’s did agree to name a soup after Dick Dongo if his team prevails. (Actually, they said they’d do it even it his team loses)

When I realized that this week’s My Bowling League Queen was none other than Highland Hts. Mayor Scott Coleman, I gotta tell you; I was kind of embarrassed for the guy. Now, the fact that he was 19 pins under his average doesn’t embarrass me; furthermore, the fact that his team, “The Eliminators” could have been playing for the championship had he not choked, doesn’t embarrass me either. What concerns me is that after his horrendous performance, My Bowling League may now have the weakest kneed Mayor in the history of Freeway Lanes.

Considering Cleveland Hts. Mayor Ed Kelley (left) sports a Lady Bug like 102 average, and former East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer (right) sport Lady Bug like lingerie, you’d think we’d be proud of Coleman.

By the way, Coleman wasn’t the only person to piss himself last week. Tom Rudibaugh, with the 4th highest average in the league was batting clean-up for “Gutter Done,” and merely needed a mark plus 2 in the tenth to keep his teams hopes alive. After leaving the head pin with his first ball, Tom stepped back to calm himself. That’s when I noticed a very Curt Shilling like scene. Just as Shilling came to the mound in the World Series with his blood stained sock, similarly, Rudibaugh took to the hard wood with shit pouring down onto his tri-colored shoes and ankle high socks. Then, not eight feet down the lane after releasing his second ball, like a magnet, Rudibaugh’s $160 Brunswick was sucked directly into the gutter; game over.

Contrary to the rumor circulating at the lanes last week, we are not renaming The Lady Bug List, “The TJ Sell, Dave Miller, and Patrick Getty List;” but we probably should, but we’re not.

After posting a 212 in game one, Kathleen Getty cruised to this week’s My Bowling League King award. Her 22 pins over average were just a tad better than Mimi Millers 17 above average.

Once again, Kathleen Getty happily straps on the sausage.

It won’t be official until after next week, but it’s a pretty safe bet that either Dawn Rossi or Ann Marie Mills will win the “I Suck More Than Anyone Else in the Entire League” award.

See you at Freeway Lanes on Sunday March 14, 2010 for our final week of bowling for My Bowling League, Season Three.

Short and Sweet,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin


To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!

Save The Date?????

Check this out.

Last Saturday night Andrew Ryzner takes Yo Yo, his fiancée to the St. Ann’s reverse raffle and gets her all liquored up on the cheap $2 wine. At 11pm she starts asking Ryzner to take her home because she’s not feeling well. After pleading with him for two hours he finally agrees, begrudgingly, to leave at 1am. Yo Yo quickly falls asleep in the car; meaning that Andrew is going to have to figure out a way to get her into the house, right? Wrong; he has to figure out how to close the car door without waking her when he gets to the Colony Tavern for a nightcap.


Andrew Ryzner at The Colony, doing a little night capping with a couple of perfect strangers.

When they close the bar at 2:30 he returns to the car to find that Yo Yo got, as he puts it, “just a little bit sick on her shoulder and on the inside of the car door.” Because he loves her so much he decided that he should clean her up a bit. Unfortunately there is nothing in the car to wipe her down with. So does “Mr. Knight in Shining Armor” take off his Hugo Boss pin-point shirt and use it to clean her up? Nope, does he use his 100% cotton Hanes undershirt? Nope, how about the Cleveland Brown’s ski hat he found in the glove compartment? Nope, Ryzner decides that he loves her enough to take off his sock and wipe her face down with that.


As Ryzner puts it, Yolonda got “just a little bit sick.”

Here’s where it kind of went bad for the recently engaged Ryzner. When Yo wakes up, is she nestled all warm and snug in her bed? Au contraire; she’s on the floor of the garage, with her feet under the car, she has a sock stuck in her right ear, and her left jug is half way out of her top.


Maybe it’s just me, but Yolonda looks pretty comfortable.

She goes inside to find Andrew lying on the couch with an empty Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese dish on his lap, and a bone dry 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper on the floor. She wakes him and learns that after leaving the raffle they came right home; he brought her inside, put her in bed, and fluffed the pillows for her. So all he can figure is that she was so over-served that she must have gone back outside on her own during the middle of the night. She actually believed him, and then apologized for ruining his night. He graciously accepted and thought he was in the clear until someone from the Colony Tavern left a message on their answering machine saying that Yo had left her purse in the bar.


Hey Ryzner, I hope that couch is comfortable, I’ve got this feeling you’re gonna be spending a lot of time there. Now go wash your hands.

Totally busted, Ryzner decides it’s time to come clean. After which, Yo Yo asks him why he took her purse into the bar with him? And this my friends, is the problem with today’s youth; they don’t think before they speak. He looks her in the eye and says, “What do I look stupid, that’s a dangerous neighborhood and I didn’t want someone breaking into the car and stealing the purse; it’s a total pain in the ass to have to cancel all of your credit cards.”


FYI - Ryzner’s previous engagement to Brandi Glass ended after similar circumstances.

Some marriages are made in heaven, but I absolutely, positively guarantee, this ain’t one of them.

I’m still saving the date, but I’m not sure I need to.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!

Celebrity Look a Likes Phase 4

I’m not sure if anyone else will see the resemblance, but I do.

Kate Gavin (left) and Ohio State graduate and comic writer Bruce Vilanch; two peas in a pod.


Then there’s always Dave “The Salt Man” Koski and his celebrity look-a-like.

I’m thinking the Rod Blagojevich picture on the right looks more like Dave Koski than the actual Dave Koski picture does.

I didn't realize that Al Roker was a man of so many faces.

Michelle & Bill Davis , meet your animated stunt doubles, Natasha & Boris.

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To receive blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list ...................and please join the crowd to follow!