A Little More This and That

A LITTLE THIS

One of the new couples, Natalie and Irving Treibatch welcomed their first child into the world on January 16th. They have named their healthy 7lb. 6oz. son George, a family name on Natalie’s side. Irv called me yesterday to say that he kept the New Year’s resolution that I gave to him, and has already completed the DNA testing. He proudly reports that the boy is definitely his. Congratulations from all of us!


The curious young fella is clearly the spittin’ image of his dad.

A LITTLE THAT

Scott Mills called me the Thursday before bowling and asked if anybody needed subs, and by sheer coincidence, Brian Himmel had asked if the Mills were available. Finally, people having their shit together,…..or so I thought. Then at 4pm Sunday I get a text from Mills saying something “unavoidable” just came up, sorry, can’t make it. Apparently he thinks the Dee Dee Bondra rule doesn’t apply to subs.

I decided not to call him back and give him shit, but I started thinking; what does unavoidable mean? He could have said, people came in from out of town; forgot the kid had a game; I’ve got the flu. He could have even done what that idiotic wench Dawn Rossi did, saying she was surprised with tickets to a show at the last minute; but no not Mills, he says something unavoidable.

After a week, I can’t take it anymore, I‘ve got to know what was unavoidable. I decide to call his cell phone and asked him what happened. It was a shitty connection but I was pretty sure he said “me and the misses went out to Niagara, and won’t be back around for 36 hours.” That didn’t make any sense, why did he wait till the last minute to call me? Later that night I was watching TV when a commercial came on, and boom, I figured out what he said.



“Me and the misses tried out some Viagra, and it won’t go back down for 36 hours.”


A LITTLE THIS

I went over to watch the St. Paschal’s 8th grade basketball team play last Saturday morning. Chip Tighe and Tim Salcer are the coaches; and from time to time Chip gets upset with the CYO officiating. Now Tighe is a card carrying member of the Ohio High School Basketball Officials Association, so he is supposed to know the rules, but trust me, he’s absolutely clueless.

Anyhow, Chip thinks one of his players got fouled and starts screaming at the ref, and ultimately, proceeds to drop an F-bomb on the poor guy. The ref comes over to eject Chip from the game for using foul language; that’s when our little wussy boy Tighe tells the ref he didn’t say it; he points to Salcer and says “he yelled it.” So the ref tosses Tim out of the gym and makes him wait in the parking lot until the game is over. Now Salcer has to serve a three game suspension because of Tighe’s behavior. And I thought being his neighbor sucked.


Hey Chip go back and look at your manual, this is not a basketball hand signal.

A LITTLE THAT

You know what, speaking of Tim Salcer; the guy kind of irritates me. He’s one of those goody-two-shoes fellas, who’s always trying to do the right thing. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the guy swear, which I should point out is tough to do when you have twenty-five 8th grade kids on a football field all screwing around at the same time. But that’s not what really bugs me about the guy. The fact that the guy doesn’t own a T-shirt that he hasn’t cut the sleeves off, which he obviously does so he can walk around flexing for people all day, doesn’t bother me either. When he moved into his new 5 bedroom, 3,500 square foot home, this dick sent out those “I’ve Moved” postcards with a picture of him standing in front the place. It didn’t even bother me when I read the back of the post card saying that he registered at Crate and Barrel for anyone who would like to get him a house warming gift; what a d-bag.

I can deal with all that shit, but here’s what bugs me; I coached football at Paschal’s for 4 years, and the worst part about it was having to wait around every night for the parents to pick up their kids. However, my last year of coaching was Tim’s first year, and guess what? We never had to wait around for parents to pick up their kids, because once Salcer started coaching, all of the mom’s dropped off their kids, and oddly enough, decided to stay and watch the entire practice. Now the guy is like 28 years old, has little to no body fat, is somewhat attractive in an ugly sort of way, and has probably spent about $40,000 on his teeth. But let’s face it people, he’s still no Marty Lynch, and the fact that these old biddy’s overlooked a stud like me for a guy like Tim, who I should point out, is incapable of loving anyone other than himself, pisses me off.

So let me give you ladies a tip; a tip that Tim, the “self” proclaimed charming, eligible bachelor, appears to be far too kind to tell all of you old broads. A tip, which would be pretty damn obvious to you saggy breasted hags if you weren’t so damn delusional; he’s not looking for some 45 year old wrinkled-ass married woman who has to put 8 pounds of make up on just to look presentable. So unless you got it like Terry Hatcher’s got it, or like Courtney Cox got it, you better wake up and realize you ain’t in Cougar Town.


I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, I mean come on; Salcer ain’t got it like the King Pin got it. Hell, he should have been in the celebrity look-a-like blog.


By the way, Tim asked if I would be willing to link a couple of his YouTube dance videos on this blog. I was more than happy to honor his request. By the way, I’m sure some of your kids who played for him will enjoy these too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jVMDLIB0o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lN0gKTiWvQ&NR=1

A LITTLE THIS

Brian Kane can’t wait to go back on the Booze Cruise this year. Not simply because he does nothing but eat, drink and gamble all day, but rather, he enjoys making new friends. Brian must be a real guy’s guy because all the fella’s wanted to hang out with him by the pool. I suggest that those of you who haven’t signed up yet, get moving because you’re running out of time; and it is a great time!

Brian says that when he smothers his face in this area for 2 or 3 minutes, he can’t help but make new guy friends.

A LITTLE THAT

I hate beating a dead horse, but my god this Dick Dongo may be the dumbest person on the entire planet, if not the universe. I was talking to him about the earthquake in Haiti when he says that I should start texting some 90999 number because each time I do it the cellular company donates $10 to the relief effort. He then tells me he’s done it tons of times. I said to him, “you realize that the cellular company isn’t donating that money, you are.” He says “what are you talking about.” So I explain to him that each time he text’s that number, his cellular account is charged $10. You should have seen the look on his face when he said “you’re bullshitting me, right?” He obviously thinks I’m kidding, so I suggest he pick up the phone right now and call the cell company and find out what his current account balance is. I almost, that’s right, I almost felt bad for the guy when I heard him scream into the phone, $47,000…..$47,000…you’re out of your mind, I’m not paying you $47,000. I’m not sure what he’s going to do to get out of paying that bill, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Perhaps this is just what he needed to finally pull his head out of his ass and start paying attention to shit.


Yo Dickie D, this is no way to go through life.


With all my love,


Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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January 17, 2010 Recap

I’m in a pretty good mood, so I’m going to pass on putting TJ Sell on the Lady Bug List all by himself this week. This is pretty damn kind of me considering that his wife spent the entire night spanking that little sissy’s ass by 40 some pins. Now had Dave Miller not beaten his wife by one measly pin, I could have given Sell some company on the list, but I just don’t have the heart to single a guy out like that.


I wonder if Jane ever gets tired of this.

Not much went on last week, aside from Tom Rudibaugh celebrating his 90th birthday, making him the oldest current My Bowling Leaguer. Unfortunately, no one was aware that Regan McKinley also celebrated her birthday that night. The reason why no one knew is because Jane Jetson bought one of those big ass chocolate cakes from Costco, and passed it around to everyone.


Liz Rudibaugh showing Tom which direction to blow.

Ryan McKinley on the other hand, didn’t do dick for his wife. Now mind you, the guy hasn’t been married a year yet, and he’s already forgetting important shit. If this boy doesn’t see the light quickly, then I’m giving those nuptials two years tops, and I’m being generous.


Hey Ryan, just so you know, no one has ever gotten laid while in the dog house. Wise up pal!

Linda Carney edged out Edie Mellen for the honor of being this week’s King. Ironically, she did it by being 16 pins over average, and while drinking 16 Miller Lites; which I should point out, is only 2 beers over her average. Needless to say, Dee Dee Bondra will have to relinquish the sausage for the time being.


It looks like Linda “Martina” Carney may be back on the steroids.

Once again, Bill Weil is this week’s Queen. There wasn’t one guy even close to being as piss poor as Bill last week. In his defense, this week’s 18 pins under average wasn’t nearly as bad as his previous weeks 38 pin under average. Who knows, maybe Bill is slowly morphing into a guy.


Perhaps Bill Weil is beginning to make the transition back to manhood, but clearly, he’s not there yet.

I may be over looking a few things, but I’m sure I’ll be able to catch up next week.

Affectionately Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little Wife Swapping

Bowling Family Wanted for Wife Swap

I received this information yesterday and figured that I’d share it with the members of “My Bowling League.”

My name is Jeff Eggleston and I am a Casting Producer for ABC families hit reality show 'Wife Swap.' We are currently casting for our fifth season and we are looking for Bowling Families! (Ones that bowl together, or participate in competitive leagues, or families that own and/or operate a bowling ally)

The premise of Wife Swap is simple: for seven days, two wives from two different families with very different values exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover what it's like to live a different family's life. It's an interesting social experiment and a great way to see your family in a whole new light. It is shot as a documentary series, so NO scripts and no set. It's just one camera that is documenting your life.

Families that appear on the show will receive a financial honorarium of $20,000 for lost wages, time and commitment. And if you refer a family that appears on the show you would receive $1,000.

Here at 'Wife Swap' we look for a two-parent home with at least one child between the ages of 6 and 17 living at home full time.

If you are interested, please email me your contact information and tell me a little about your family and how the sport of bowling plays a roll in your lives. Or if you would like to refer a family, please email me their contact information and I will be in touch.

Thank you!

Jeff Eggleston

Casting Producer
RDF USA
100 6th Ave.3rd Floor, Suite 3 - 29
New York , NY 10013
tel: 646-747-7946

casting.jeff@gmail.com
http://www.rdfusa.com/shows.php
http://abc.go.com/primetime/wifeswap


Now as you can imagine, this got Ole Martin V a-thinking. Maybe we should do a little My Bowling League wife swapping of our own. I know for sure that there are at least a few of you wives who would be thrilled to unload your husband’s for a week; and it’s just possible that a few of you fella’s would kill for a chance to ditch your little beast of burden for even one day, let alone seven.

I pulled out the roster and started looking at some possible wife swaps that I could make, and I have to tell you, I’m having trouble getting the perfect match. Not to brag, but the problem isn’t with whom to place The King Pin; I mean for gods sakes I’m certain that any one of you chicks would be ecstatic to spend a week with me. The roadblock is the lovely Mrs. Lynch. Let’s face it; she’s no day at the beach. Now she may come across as being harmless, but remember I set this league up three years ago just to find her one friend, so that I wouldn’t have to spend as much time with her. And guess what? She still hasn’t found a friend, what’s that tell you?


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day one of wife swap

I’ll tell you exactly what would happen; on day one you will think you died and went to heaven. You will quickly realize that Sue is a bright, beautiful, and hilariously funny lady, and you’ll be trying to figure out a way to make the switch permanent. However, by the end of day two, I absolutely guarantee, you’ll be begging the Lord to save you from this living hell.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch on day two of wife swap

Here are but a few of the things you will learn. You will have to get up at 5:30 to put her coffee on because she won’t let you set the coffee timer the night before, just in case there’s a power outage. After the kids are out the door you can then start working the chores off the four page list she has put together for you. You’re not allowed to have the remote control, and you can’t sit on the couch if she’s already on it because she won’t be able to lie down.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch watching Real Housewives of Somewhere

There’s not even the slightest chance she’ll pick a kid up or drop a kid off that will solely be your job. You have to answer every phone call and bring her the handset, or make up a believable excuse so she doesn’t have to take the call. When you take a shower, she will turn the kitchen faucet on and off because for some reason those two water lines are together and she knows it will ruin the only chance you have to relax.


Everyone in the house is subject to Sue’s freezing/burning shower treatment

She will send you to the grocery store for one thing that you probably won’t even need that day. Then, as you lie your head down and begin to doze off, she will sneak up behind you and scream your name directly in your ear. Your eyes will jump wide open, your body will lunge forward, your heart will skip beats, and you’ll be panting like a dog. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will smile and say; “oh I thought you were awake,” then she’ll chuckle and wait for you to start dozing again.


The lovely Mrs. Lynch gently waking Ole Martin V from his 3 second nap

So let me just say this fella’s, I’ll swap with any and all of you, any time, but just remember, in My Bowling League, there are no backs, no Indian giving, none of that bullshit, all sales are final boys.

Oh, and by the way, I’m pretty sure that by now we all know the deal; but I’ll remind you nonetheless. The lovely Mrs. Lynch is not on the distribution list and won’t know anything about this posting, and you’ll not breathe a word of it.


See you on the trading block,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Mr. Know It All

I have found myself in the car quite a bit this week, and with that, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Mike Trivisonno on the radio. Now I’ve listened to this guy for however long he’s been doing his talk show, and I must have called him a big, fat, stupid dago a million times; but that’s only because he is. But lately, I have to tell you, he’s making a ton of sense to me. So I’ve been struggling to figure out if that makes me dumb, or does that simply make him, not as dumb as I thought?

Then yesterday, after he got done belittling some whiney, bleeding heart liberal, and bitch slapping some 80 year old lady, (both calls which I really enjoyed), he blurted something out that I wasn’t ready for. This Brush High School grease-ball, 10th grade drop-out said he was making $1.2 million a year. You heard me, $1.2 million, and all I could think was you gotta be kidding me. After I got done shaking my head, I realized the answer to my question was simple, yes that makes me dumb, and yes, he’s way smarter than I thought.


Trivisonno in the 10th grade, consuming 1.2 million calories per semester; and Trivisonno now, earning 1.2 million dollars per year....you gotta be kidding me.
.

It gets worse as I keep listening. He’s got strippers calling him on the phone wanting to hook up with him. He’s telling them to go to his website and post their big old boobies on-line and he’ll decide if they're worthy of his attention or not. It’s now that I realize, that not only am I dumb, but I am a complete and total over educated, under achieving, jerk-off loser too. I kicked the “Strippers” out of our bowling league because they failed to show up a couple of times; and this mullet wearing bastard has got them beating his door down so they can say “I met Mike Trivisonno.” So I immediately do what every other red-blooded Cleveland guy would do, I go to the WTAM website and try to check out these broads. And finally, finally, I felt a little better. While Trivisonno definitely has more strippers, pound for pound “My Bowling League” has way, way more talent.

A representative sampling of Trivisonno's Stripper's


The Ladies of "My Bowling League" matched up pound for pound against Trivisonno's harem....maybe I'm not as big a loser as I thought.

.

Anyhow, I’m told that every story, to be worthwhile, should have some kind of religious or spiritual moral to it. So here’s the one that I think we can all clearly take away from this. (granted, it’s a bit of a stretch, but what the hell) We have dozens of I-talians in this league, some short, some fat, some dumb, some illiterate, and some are all of the above; but I’m told, none of you guys are cheap. But the only way for us to find that out for sure, is if you guys start buying me beers. So unless you stingy bastards want me to start naming names, perhaps you should belly up to the bar and drop off a Bud Lite on your way back to the lanes.

Salute, or whatever it is you guys say,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

***P.S. - Please consider making a donation to the Linda Trivisonno Endowment Fund at the link posted below:...your contribution won't bring her back, but it may keep your loved ones with you a while longer!

https://www.uhgiving.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=872

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December 20, 2009 Recap

How about that? Everyone showed up to bowl on December 20, 2009. Not only that, but every team had a nice little Christmas gift that they wanted me to have as a token of their appreciation for all that The King Pin does for them. However, it does appear that each and every team was so eager to get to bowling that they all forgot to actually bring those gifts with them.

Anyhow, I had a chance to say hello to everyone at the lanes, with the one exception being, Tony Bondra. As I went through the bowling scores for that evening, I began to sense that perhaps Tony was intentionally avoiding me. My reasoning is that it turns out that we only have two Lady Bugs this week; Bill (Al Roker) Davis, and Tony Bondra. I can certainly understand Bill having an off night; I mean let’s face it, his arm was sore after signing all those autographs.


Looks like Bill Davis is signing someone’s bowling score sheet

I’m not sure why Tony couldn’t hit his average in any of the three games he bowled that night; but what I do know is that his wife Dee Dee absolutely crushed the poor bastard. Not only did she beat his ass into Lady Bugdom, she also bowled her way to being this week’s My Bowling League King. Dee Dee was a blistering 26 pins over average and gets to play with the sausage until some other manly ma’am is able to pry it away.

Many people have told me that Dee Dee and Tony are a great couple, and that they are perfect for each other. I’ve heard that they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentence. Sherry Tighe even went as far as saying “they are both such wonderful people, that when I think of Dee Dee I can’t help but think of Tony and vise versa. In fact, I refer to them as one person, and call them D.D.T.”


I’m guessing this is how Sherry pictures D.D.T. I contend this is what happens when you inhale too much DDT.

Getting back to manly, Maddie Klingman has had the sausage for well over a month, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Mrs. Bondra to lay a little disinfectant on that fella. Another manly performance was turned in by our new face of the league Jane Jetson-Rudibaugh who was 22 pins over average. I’m not gonna say Liz’s scores were cosmic, or out of this world, because that’s what any one of you losers would probably come up with. Rather, I would just like to offer a warning to Tom Rudibaugh to watch out because if his wife keeps improving like this sooner or later, she gonna be shoving her Venus up Uranus.



You didn't actually think I would put a picture of that did you?

This would bring us to something we haven’t discussed yet this year; The Queen. I admit that I am surprised that none of you dudes have mentioned this to me. Perhaps if you guys weren’t bowling like gals I would have heard something by now. Anyhow, this week’s winner of the My Bowling League Queens crown goes to a familiar girly-man from last year, Bill Weil. Congratulations sweetie, your 38 pins under average was the most pitiful performance turned in by a “male” bowler this year.


Bill was actually eager to pose for this photo.

With love oozing out of me,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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A Little This, A Little That

A LITTLE THIS

Let’s clear something up real quick, when I tell you that I’ve taken my wife off of the blog distribution list and that you’re not suppose to say a word to her about anything in the blog; that means that Hope Reimer should keep her extremely large mouth shut.

I put together a small, last minute Martin V. Invitational New Years Eve party at the home of Dick Dongo and his wife Susanna Longo. The only reason Hope even got an invite at all is because my wife said I couldn’t just invite Mike Reimer and not his wife. Anyhow, Hope tells the lovely Mrs. Lynch that she read the blog and that I was mean to Dave and Mimi Miller simply because I resolved that they should get a personality or something like that.

Listen closely people, the reason why Sue is no longer on the distribution list is clear; I don’t want to hear her bitching, nor do I want her editing my content and telling me who I have to apologize to. If I start apologizing to the Miller’s, then I have to apologize to the Brown’s, then the Bondra’s, and everybody else, and I’m not doing it.

Instead, let’s do this; I apologize to everyone for anything that has ever been said in the past and for everything that I may say in the future. We good now? Furthermore, I’m pretty sure that I have stated on more than one occasion, if you don’t want to be identified in the blog, just let me know. It can’t get any more simple than that.


The invited Reimer, (left) and his blabber mouth wife.

A LITTLE THAT

Speaking of the Mr.Dongo/Mrs. Longo gathering, let me just say that it was yet another Ole Martin V successful event. I convinced Susanna that she shouldn’t go to any trouble cooking up any of those spicy Italian dishes of hers, and instead, have the evening catered. This thankfully meant that no one’s a-hole would be on fire on January 1st. Nonetheless, it was a sweet spread, and everything was great! The only complaint that anyone had was, that come mid-night, the pervert Terry Wise tried to slip everyone’s wife the tongue and it kind of grossed the ladies out. Now, this obviously had to be a small gathering, in fact, a very small gathering because I could only invite people that Dongo hadn’t pissed off in the last year or so. At this rate, I’m gonna guess that if I don’t step in and do something this party will be even smaller next year.

So this is what The King Pin has decided to do in an attempt to reduce the fall out and “possibly” increase the size of next year’s Dongo/Longo party. On January 17, 2010, My Bowling League will be holding a Nick/Dick Longo/Dongo Trivia Night. For those of you who actually read the emails over the last couple of years, my guess is you’ll do well. Dickie Dongo himself will be passing out Freeway Lanes bar gift certificates to the lucky winners.


For some reason Terry Wise creeped the ladies out a little bit.

A LITTLE THIS

Chip Tighe did it again. I told him that my snow plow guy wouldn’t have his truck ready for another week. Which I guess is the same thing as saying, “hey Chip why don’t you steal my snow shovel so that I have to use my 6” kitchen broom to sweep the 9” of snow off my driveway?” This time Tighe made a mistake. Jamie Pilla pulled by Chip’s house in, I believe his December, though possibly his January Mercedes, just as Tighe finished clearing his drive. That asshole Chip just couldn’t contain his glee over his recent act of coveting thy neighbor’s goods, and he told Pilla everything; beginning with how he came over my house last week to drop off some of his cheap, nasty smelling, shitty home-made wine; and then how he snuck into the garage, unlocked the garage window, and put the shovel right next to it; only to come back in the dead of night to snatch it.

Now if you’ve met Jamie, you surely know that he can be an even bigger asshole than Chip; but to be fair, probably no bigger an ass than say 95% of the members of My Bowling League. Nevertheless, Pilla had one of those rare, though perfectly timed, acts of kindness, as he called his snow plow guy and sent him over to my house to clear my driveway. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to canonize Pilla, and I realize what Jamie should have done was bought me a brand new John Deere 400 horsepower sit-down riding mower with the easy lift snow plow attachment, but after all, that may have made Pilla something other than an asshole, and God forbid, jeopardize that hard earned reputation of his.


And Tighe thinks this is funny.

A LITTLE THAT

I’m looking for volunteers who want to participate in this year’s Cleveland St. Patrick’s Day Parade on March 17, 2010. My Bowling League will have marchers in this year’s parade dressed handsomely as bowling pins. The lovely Mrs. Lynch will be volunteering to make the costumes, but I haven’t told her yet……………understand? I’m sure that some of you big spenders would like to help sponsor the My Bowling League hospitality suite at some downtown hotel. By the way, my brother-in-law Henry has volunteered to be either the 7 or 10 pin because he sees them all the time; and Dawn Rossi has begged, I mean begged me to allow her to be the head pin. I’d like to assure all of the ladies that Dawn has not been given that position and that I will be holding private auditions for that coveted spot. More details to follow.


You guys are gonna look great!

A LITTLE THIS

By the way, my son Tom went back to college this weekend. He goes to a school called St. Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota. Sue and I knew it was minus 36 degrees there and we gladly put him on a plane and sent him back; then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. We’re still trying to figure out if we laughed because he’s a thoughtless shitty kid and deserves to freeze his ass off, or if we’re thoughtless shitty parents and that’s just what thoughtless shitty parents do. Either way, I don’t care, it’s already more peaceful around here.


I'm wondering if we should call to see if he made it back.

A LITTLE THAT

One last thing, if you butt heads think that I have time on my hands, check this out. There are a couple of guys who have, what I guess you’d call, legitimate bowling blogs. They actually talk about bowling stuff, they offer pointers on how to select a bowling ball or a pair of shoes, and these dudes are writing and linking all kinds of shit every day. Now I don’t know if that is of any interest to you folks but I put the links right above Ole Martin V’s Daily Words of Wisdom. And for all you people who spend your day on Facebook playing FarmVille or Bejeweled, I have kindly given you a link to some on-line bowling games. Perhaps this will break up the monotony of Mafia Wars or Café World. As usual, here we have The King Pin once again trying to make your pathetic lives just a little more enjoyable.

.

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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