Chip Tighe Goes Fishing

Hello Banqueteers,

Well this is the new Weekly Bowling Update format. So if you want to continue receiving the updates, you’re going to have to sign up as a follower of the blog (located on the right side of this page). If you’re not on the current distribution list, you’ll have to sign up as a follower and send an email to (mybowlingleague@aol.com) requesting to be added to the list; or removed. (Everyone is welcome!) This way you'll be notified of any updates, and be able to post comments of your own; though I don't advise it. Trust me, it’s not that difficult. In fact, my sister Beth and my brother Terry, whom many of you met on the cruise, both found it easy to do. I mention this because both of them are imbeciles, which as everyone knows, puts them one step below a moron. Hence, if they can figure it out, everyone else should likewise be able to; well everyone else, with the possible exception of Chip Tighe who recently earned the life long title of major freaking idiot, which for the record, is two steps below a moron.

For the three of you who haven’t heard, our little fisherman Tighe got lost in the woods for 15 hours in a remote bear, wolf, and coyote infested Canadian forest. What an idiot. For those of you who think it could happen to anyone, you’re wrong. First, you have to be stupid enough to drive 12 hours north for the sole purpose of putting your entire body into a jumpsuit made of bug netting. Had this been his first trip across the border, he may have an out. But he’s been shimmying his dumb ass into that netting for the last 10 years. And every year he comes home with welts from being bitten by bugs. What an idiot.

So here is what happened. Chip and two of his equally stupid friends, spend 13 hours fishing, and sipping beer through a straw that they slid through their facial netting. When they return, Tighe goes into the woods to take a pee; (why someone would feel the need to be discreet when there isn’t a soul within 80 miles is beyond me) nonetheless; he strolls 15 feet into the woods. Now had our little Hansel brought Gretel, perhaps he would have known to turn around 180 degrees, follow the bread crumbs, and rejoin his pals. But no, not Jungle Larry, he decides that he wants to take a shortcut back. That’s right, a shortcut; as if being stupid wasn’t enough, he has to be stupid and lazy. What did he think he was going to do with the extra energy he’d be saving by cutting 2 steps off his journey? What an idiot.

Now, every one of you has got to be asking yourself, how could you get lost after 15 steps? How could anyone possibly get lost? Well some keen probing on my part elicited some valuable information. It turns out that Chip didn’t want to pee in front of his pals because he had a sudden urge to do what he calls his “circle pee.” The circle pee consists of Chip taking a leak while spinning around in circles. Apparently, Chip thought if he were moving, it was less likely that his itty-bitty privates would be bitten by bugs. When he finished, (bite free he claims) not only was he dizzy, but he had also lost his bearings. So, did he immediately yell to his friends for help? Nope, not our woodsman, he decides that he can find his way back on his own; no sense letting those guys harass him because he called for help. So how long do you try to find your way back before you decide to call for help; a minute, two minutes, how about five minutes? Nope, not if you're Chip, no sir-re-bob, if you’re Tighe you wait one hour and forty minutes. Yep, 100 minutes; I am absolutely certain this is what Forrest Gump meant by, “stupid is as stupid does.” What an idiot.

Suffice to say, no one heard him. I won’t go into all of the details of what happened to Chip as a “happy” 7pm turned into a” nervous” 9pm, which lead to a “tearful 1am” followed by a “cry like a baby” 4am, which eventually culminated into a “bartering with God” 7am. I’m not sure what Tighe gave up or agreed to do during those negotiations, but at 10am the local helicopter search & rescue team located their newest village idiot.

I hope I don’t come across as uncompassionate; so for the record, I’m truly grateful he was found. Cause if he wasn’t, I probably would have been stuck cutting his grass and doing all sorts of menial chores at his house. Then I’d have to put up with the lovely Mrs. Lynch grilling me about how come I’m spending so much time at the widow Tighe house, “what, all of a sudden you’re a plumber?” Like I need that shit in my life. Welcome home idiot.

Now I’m too tired to talk about the banquet, but I will come back with a recap soon, very soon. So get signed up, and in the mean time, here are some photos that Eileen Toomey took for us at the Bowling Ball at Claddagh.


http://picasaweb.google.com/eileentoomey/BowlingBanquet09?feat=email#

You can also check out the Jim Gaffigan video below. I’m confident some of you losers will be able to relate.

Fondly Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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