Bowling Ball Raffle Winners

Hello people who pee without moving, and Chip,

I don’t have any of the video from the banquet to post just yet. It appears that while Eileen Toomey is quick with photos, she’s slow as molasses with video. So, perhaps I’ll just take a moment to cover our raffle winners and get back to you later with the trophy recipients.

Before I do that, I should tell you about the unofficial, My Bowling League “Husband of the Year.” When Edie and Andy Mellen show up at the banquet, my wife tells Andy that Edie was going to get some kind of award. So Andy tells Edie that she was going to win the biggest boobs in the league award; an award, which I should point out, we don’t have yet. I’m not sure what kind of guy would say something like that to his wife, and then spend the next two hours watching her shake and squirm and sweat, never telling her the truth, just laughing. Even when she gets back from the bathroom and tells Andy that she just threw up, he still doesn’t fess up. When she tells him that she may have diarrhea, he says “we’ll leave right after you get your award.” I didn’t realize how many schmucks this league had, but I’m definitely adding Andy to the list. If we did have the Biggest Boob award, I’m thinking Andy would win it. The truly troubling part of this story is why in the world Edie would think that I would do something to embarrass her, or anyone for that matter. I’m probably the one who should be upset.


Andy Mellen, not quite Husband of the Year

The raffle for the seats on the coveted Rules Committee produced two fine additions; Katy Profeta and Dave Toomey. Those difficult league decisions that previously fell solely upon my shoulders, broad though they may be, will now be shared amongst the three of us. Ironically, we’ve had our first meeting and have decided to add a Biggest Boobs in the league award to next year’s program. Dave brought the idea up, Katy said she was fine with it, and though I offered my opposition, it still passed 2-1.


I'm so happy Katy is on the Rules Committee, Dave, not so much.

Speaking of passed, the title of Pimp Daddy for the Strippers has passed from Mike Hirsch to either Brian Himmel or Melissa Himmel, but I’m not sure which. In my mind I pictured the title going to a guy, but Melissa actually held the winning ticket. The Rules Committee hasn’t worked this out yet; Katy thinks it should be Brian, and Toomey voted for Melissa. Both had good arguments; Katy is a traditionalist who firmly believes that there are certain occupations that should only be held by men; quickly citing priest, warlock, and pimp. Dave, who’s not typically a women’s libber, agreed but countered that Brian would not be suitable because he was just presented with the “Queer Little Bitch” of the year award, and that’s not usually on the resume of a high quality pimp daddy. I had hoped that the enlarged rules committee would make these decisions easier for me. It appears to have backfired and my burden is now greater. Therefore, I would welcome anyone to click on the comment section below and offer insight, for or against these individuals, prior to me casting the deciding vote for pimp daddy, or pimp mammy.


Melissa & Brian are already lobbying the Rules Committee for votes.

Speaking of deciding, Maria Gaeta won the “Name the Sausage” raffle and must decide upon a name for our mascot. As an aside, she also won the vibrating sausage, with rechargeable batteries. Now I’m guessing that she must have used that as a throw toy for her dog because I get a letter in the mail last Tuesday telling me that the replacement vibrating sausage that I requested would be shipped within two weeks. I was confused because I ordered these things, paid for these things, and received these things months ago. So I call the 800 number to find out what’s going on. It turns out that my address is still in their system but the letter was supposed to go to Maria. Apparently she sent it back because the motor was burned out and the batteries were not holding a charge. The fella said that they hadn’t seen one in that bad of shape before, and that they weren’t even going to try to fix it; they would just send a brand new one out. So, we’re still waiting on a name, a name that I should point out, will have to meet with committee approval.


Maria has never been happier.

For those of you who did not take advantage of the free lap dances offered by “The Strippers” in the back room at Claddagh, you’re out of luck. They are going back to their standard $3 dual lap dance fee; which I should point out, is still not a bad value in these trying economic times.


The Strippers, soon to be under new management.

Waiting for your help,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

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Chip Tighe Goes Fishing

Hello Banqueteers,

Well this is the new Weekly Bowling Update format. So if you want to continue receiving the updates, you’re going to have to sign up as a follower of the blog (located on the right side of this page). If you’re not on the current distribution list, you’ll have to sign up as a follower and send an email to (mybowlingleague@aol.com) requesting to be added to the list; or removed. (Everyone is welcome!) This way you'll be notified of any updates, and be able to post comments of your own; though I don't advise it. Trust me, it’s not that difficult. In fact, my sister Beth and my brother Terry, whom many of you met on the cruise, both found it easy to do. I mention this because both of them are imbeciles, which as everyone knows, puts them one step below a moron. Hence, if they can figure it out, everyone else should likewise be able to; well everyone else, with the possible exception of Chip Tighe who recently earned the life long title of major freaking idiot, which for the record, is two steps below a moron.

For the three of you who haven’t heard, our little fisherman Tighe got lost in the woods for 15 hours in a remote bear, wolf, and coyote infested Canadian forest. What an idiot. For those of you who think it could happen to anyone, you’re wrong. First, you have to be stupid enough to drive 12 hours north for the sole purpose of putting your entire body into a jumpsuit made of bug netting. Had this been his first trip across the border, he may have an out. But he’s been shimmying his dumb ass into that netting for the last 10 years. And every year he comes home with welts from being bitten by bugs. What an idiot.

So here is what happened. Chip and two of his equally stupid friends, spend 13 hours fishing, and sipping beer through a straw that they slid through their facial netting. When they return, Tighe goes into the woods to take a pee; (why someone would feel the need to be discreet when there isn’t a soul within 80 miles is beyond me) nonetheless; he strolls 15 feet into the woods. Now had our little Hansel brought Gretel, perhaps he would have known to turn around 180 degrees, follow the bread crumbs, and rejoin his pals. But no, not Jungle Larry, he decides that he wants to take a shortcut back. That’s right, a shortcut; as if being stupid wasn’t enough, he has to be stupid and lazy. What did he think he was going to do with the extra energy he’d be saving by cutting 2 steps off his journey? What an idiot.

Now, every one of you has got to be asking yourself, how could you get lost after 15 steps? How could anyone possibly get lost? Well some keen probing on my part elicited some valuable information. It turns out that Chip didn’t want to pee in front of his pals because he had a sudden urge to do what he calls his “circle pee.” The circle pee consists of Chip taking a leak while spinning around in circles. Apparently, Chip thought if he were moving, it was less likely that his itty-bitty privates would be bitten by bugs. When he finished, (bite free he claims) not only was he dizzy, but he had also lost his bearings. So, did he immediately yell to his friends for help? Nope, not our woodsman, he decides that he can find his way back on his own; no sense letting those guys harass him because he called for help. So how long do you try to find your way back before you decide to call for help; a minute, two minutes, how about five minutes? Nope, not if you're Chip, no sir-re-bob, if you’re Tighe you wait one hour and forty minutes. Yep, 100 minutes; I am absolutely certain this is what Forrest Gump meant by, “stupid is as stupid does.” What an idiot.

Suffice to say, no one heard him. I won’t go into all of the details of what happened to Chip as a “happy” 7pm turned into a” nervous” 9pm, which lead to a “tearful 1am” followed by a “cry like a baby” 4am, which eventually culminated into a “bartering with God” 7am. I’m not sure what Tighe gave up or agreed to do during those negotiations, but at 10am the local helicopter search & rescue team located their newest village idiot.

I hope I don’t come across as uncompassionate; so for the record, I’m truly grateful he was found. Cause if he wasn’t, I probably would have been stuck cutting his grass and doing all sorts of menial chores at his house. Then I’d have to put up with the lovely Mrs. Lynch grilling me about how come I’m spending so much time at the widow Tighe house, “what, all of a sudden you’re a plumber?” Like I need that shit in my life. Welcome home idiot.

Now I’m too tired to talk about the banquet, but I will come back with a recap soon, very soon. So get signed up, and in the mean time, here are some photos that Eileen Toomey took for us at the Bowling Ball at Claddagh.


http://picasaweb.google.com/eileentoomey/BowlingBanquet09?feat=email#

You can also check out the Jim Gaffigan video below. I’m confident some of you losers will be able to relate.

Fondly Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To recieve blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list

Jim Gaffigan Goes Bowling - Video Clip

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Blogging may not be in my future

People kept saying " Marty you gotta get your own blog." I thought they said this because they recognized I had something of value to say. However, I'm now beginning to believe that these people simply don't like me. If you have ever tried to set up a blog-site you can probably appreciate the pain-in-the-ass-factor that is closely associated with this activity.

I envisioned a great looking site with photos, audios, videos, links to distant places, and other cool shit. Yet, reality is slowly setting in; and if my reality doesn't change quick, well, you've just read my first and last blog.

Irritatedly Yours,

Marty Lynch
The King Pin

To recieve blog alerts email mybowlingleague@aol.com, and request to be added to the distribution list