Thursday, June 3, 2010

News - Non-Members Only - Mostly

Pilla's Facebook Dilemma

Jamie Pilla got hooked up on Facebook but hasn’t decided what profile picture to use. So I figured I would take the liberty of offering a couple of options from my James Pilla photo library.

I think any of these Jamie Pilla Photos would work well as his profile picture.

Salcer's is Salcer's, same old, same old

Tim Salcer had his 5th annual Memorial Day Party at his Highland Heights home this past weekend. Some people wanted to know how come I don’t take over that event and make it a Martin V Invitational. Frankly, that’s a very good question; I think my main hang up to doing that would be I’d have to unload virtually all of the current invitees, to include Tim Salcer himself.

Apparently Tim thought the best way to memorialize the dead was to invite as many dead or near dead personalities as he could find. Well let me tell you, he found a bunch of them. The party started at 5, and by 6 half the guests were asleep and drooling on his plastic table cloths. The other half were screaming infants and toddlers whose parents didn’t know the first about dipping the pacifier in whiskey to quite them down.

When nap time was over for the blue hairs, someone made them form a line so they all could wait their turn for a wig rattling ride in the Silver Bullet Rocket Car. Once they finished their spin around the block, they all shuffled onto the sleek new Tri-City Consortium of Aging shuttle bus and made their way back to whatever assisted living center they came from.

Tim wisely took this group picture right before nap time. I'm not sure which of these folks is me.

One of our bowlers, Cindy Lembach was at the party and made it a point to tell me a couple of her observations. First, she thinks Tim is kind of a dweeb because she wanted to wake the crowd up by putting some Motown on the CD player. Unfortunately Tim thought doing a “letter B medley” Bing Crosby, Burl Ives, and Benny Goodman was a way better idea. Then, when she suggested that she could pull the corn hole out of her trunk, he scoffed and told her that would be too dangerous. The worst part of that exchange is that the guy didn’t even seize the opportunity to make some lewd comment about her trunk and corn holing.

The last straw for me came when I discreetly told him that someone had clogged his basement bathroom, and he immediately assumed that since I had three hamburgers and four hot dogs, along with 2 plates of creamed jalapeño corn and a bowl of pork n beans, not to mention the 12 beers, that I was the culprit. When I challenged him on his “profiling” of my eating habits he immediately backed downed and said the real reason he accused me of clogging his toilet was because 16 other people have said that I’ve clogged their toilets when I went to their house for a party. Clearly his evidentiary argument is circumstantial at best; I still contend that either way, it’s profiling and we all know that’s wrong.

PJ Buynack was kind enough to have an outdoor restroom installed just for me.

Rain or Shine

Chip and Sherry Tighe had a Memorial Day party at their Ashtabula house and many of you were invited but didn't show up because of inclement weather. Just so you dickheads know, that's where the term fair-weather friend comes from. I wouldn't have minded being called a fair-weather friend but the lovely Mrs. Lynch reminded me that if I didn't show up, I would also fall into the category of douche bag neighbor; so we went.

Mike Richuisa and his wife Linda also braved the elements and made a soggy appearance. During the course of my ever friendly conversation, I asked Linda Richuisa how come she hadn’t joined My Bowling League like her husband had. She stuttered a bit, then told me it was because she didn’t want me putting any hideous pictures of her on the blog. So this is my way of gently inviting Linda to become a member.

Maybe I should introduce Linda Richuisa to Mike Reimer; I bet they would hit it off.

He got some Splainin to do

A little cruise news, Bill Homan has been on all of our booze cruises, and if he were in My Bowling League he would definitely be in a celebrity look-a-like blog. Regardless, for three years in a row this dude has easily won the Carnival Cruise award for being able to out drink not just everyone in our group, but everyone on the ship.

William Frawley (left) who starred as Fred Mertz in “I Love Lucy,” and our very own Booze Cruiser, Bill Homan (right) are dead ringers!

I will be releasing the 2011 Booze Cruise information on this blog by the end of next week. Those of you in the 46 states and 40 different countries who have visited this site in the last year, will be welcome to join us; unless of course, your name is Keith Olbermann.

I’ll be back sooner rather than later,

Marty Lynch

The King Pin

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