THE BLOG THAT MARTY LYNCH WRITES: Oy Vey

I have some rather startling news to report. My wife and I recently took part in the program that is capable of doing a DNA search for your ancestry. The program is called 23 and Me. I’m sure some of you have heard of it, in fact, I know that some of you have even participated yourselves. All the program requires you to do is to take a saliva sample, put it in a jar, and send it back to the company. From that, they are able to determine your family origins. Both the lovely Mrs. Lynch and I have proudly worn our Irish heritage since our childhood. But in our twilight years, it appears as though the Lynch’s are going to have to embrace their inner Jew. You read that correctly, Suzanne and I are a couple of Hebrews.

I must say, news like this can shake up an entire family. Believe it or not some individuals in our families are still adjusting to being members of the tribe. My wife’s sister Ann, who lives in Atlanta, is keeping the news on the down low amongst her waspy socialite country club crowd. Ann’s response shouldn’t really surprise me, after all, the former My Bowling League star, Mike Hirsch tried to date Ann in high school but she shot him down solely because of his close Rabbi connections.

My sister-in-law Ann (left) Mike Hirsch (right)

and what could have been their son Abraham (center)

If I had known that I was Jewish sooner I could have made something out of myself. Perhaps I could have been a doctor, a lawyer, or a movie producer. Who knows, maybe a banker, a jeweler, or a kosher deli owner. Or, God forbid, on the other hand, I could have wound up like Mike Hirsch; a whiney, miserable commercial real estate broker who sells one piece of property every nine years.

But instead, I have taken a different path. I have chosen the role of a public servant; a government employee; a man whose livelihood is paid for fully by you the unsuspecting taxpayer. And I want you all to know that I haven’t let you down. On the days I do show up for work, I always strive to give at least 30% effort, and I have never used more than the three weeks of sick time allotted to me every year. Plus, I only take eleven paid holidays off annually. The three weeks vacation are more than enough when you consider I will likely end the year with an additional six weeks of comp time to use. So, as you can probably tell, this does allow me to have some time on my hands; time, which I might point out, provides me ample opportunity to blog. Moral of the story, if I knew I was a Jew when I was born, I’d be busy writing prescriptions, not writing a blog. And aside from the lovely Mrs. Lynchbergsteinblatt, who amongst us would want that.

This is also hitting home on my side of the family. My now Israelite sister Beth and her husband Henry did the 23 and Me testing as well, and now both of them are reassessing whether or not they can continue to co-exist in the same house without fearing for their safety. It turns out that the two of them hail from warring nations. I had my suspicions about Henry long ago but no one wanted to believe me.