PJ Buynack a.k.a. Julie McCoy
********************************
We all know him to be a very bashful fella, who usually makes himself the quintessential wall-flower at all the party’s and get together’s……Oh pleeeeeze; the guy won’t shut up; and wall-flower? Wall-flowers don’t wear those 3 foot long pointed toe, zip up shoes that the wicked witch of the East would have killed for. Nor will you find a wall-flower wearing one of the padded paisley print shirts that just happens to match his bedspread.
PJ wrapped in his blanket admiring his new footwear
Perhaps I’m just jealous that I don’t have the keen fashion sense that comes so naturally to Mr. Buynack. For example, it never would have dawned on me to purchase a pair of those turquoise Prada bowling shoes that he so proudly wears. Obviously PJ knows all the trends way before the rest of us. And yes he has been kind enough to share some of those trends with the rest of the league; as he recently assisted Mike Brown in picking out a new pair of open-toed, blue suede Hush Puppies, you know, the one’s that come with a free shoe horn. To finish our boy Brown off, Buynack got him a red mesh wife-beater shirt, and a pair of white lycra bicycle pants, all this, just in time for the Fourth of July. If I close my eyes real tight, I can almost see Mr. Brown strutting his stuff in that little holiday outfit; what a show off. I’m sure Tina Brown and all of her little body builder girl friends were green with envy wishing they could look as hot as Down Town Mikey Brown.
They match his
bowling ball perfectly
Mike Brown squeezing
Mike Brown squeezing
into those white lycra pants
Having just said he’s willing to share his flare for fashion, please remember that it’s not without some indignation and a hardy scolding. He only offers his assistance after he berates you publically for your hideous JCrew polyester sweater selection, or god forbid your quadruple pleated slacks fresh off the Kohl’s clearance rack. And for heaven’s sake, whatever you do, don’t let him find out that you buy your jeans at Target, or worse yet, Costco.
Now this part is important, so pay attention. Should you find yourself at a party, and you’re wearing anything, anything at all, purchased at one of the aforementioned stores, do not, I repeat, do not leave his side. Here’s why; PJ drinks liquor as if he weighs 280 pounds, when in fact, he’s a buck forty at best. Mathematically, this means that any alcohol consumption after his first 47 minutes of drinking puts him in the dreaded over-served category. After two hours of continuous drinking his behavior is no different that that of a person hooked up to a vodka IV drip; and boy does that truth serum work good on him. You don’t leave his side because if you do, he’s gonna tear your wardrobe to pieces, then he’s going to go after your ridiculous Jan Brady hairdo, and finish you off by commenting on your Elvira make up, and that’s if you’re a guy. Women don’t fare nearly as well; he’ll let everyone know how you’re trying to cram your 50 pounds of trailer park ass into a size two pair of K-Mart pleather stirrups. If it’s not that, our boy Buynack will surely let everyone know that your wrinkly dried up skin can’t be hidden even with the 18 pounds of god awful Mary Kay cosmetics you plastered on your electrolysis starved grill. Then he’ll go after your snausage toes with the cheap-hooker colored nail polish, that are tearing the seams out of your sandals, which don’t even come close to matching your outfit; oh it just goes on and on, the guy is brutal. So, like I said,…….don‘t, under any circumstance, leave his side.
Now this part is important, so pay attention. Should you find yourself at a party, and you’re wearing anything, anything at all, purchased at one of the aforementioned stores, do not, I repeat, do not leave his side. Here’s why; PJ drinks liquor as if he weighs 280 pounds, when in fact, he’s a buck forty at best. Mathematically, this means that any alcohol consumption after his first 47 minutes of drinking puts him in the dreaded over-served category. After two hours of continuous drinking his behavior is no different that that of a person hooked up to a vodka IV drip; and boy does that truth serum work good on him. You don’t leave his side because if you do, he’s gonna tear your wardrobe to pieces, then he’s going to go after your ridiculous Jan Brady hairdo, and finish you off by commenting on your Elvira make up, and that’s if you’re a guy. Women don’t fare nearly as well; he’ll let everyone know how you’re trying to cram your 50 pounds of trailer park ass into a size two pair of K-Mart pleather stirrups. If it’s not that, our boy Buynack will surely let everyone know that your wrinkly dried up skin can’t be hidden even with the 18 pounds of god awful Mary Kay cosmetics you plastered on your electrolysis starved grill. Then he’ll go after your snausage toes with the cheap-hooker colored nail polish, that are tearing the seams out of your sandals, which don’t even come close to matching your outfit; oh it just goes on and on, the guy is brutal. So, like I said,…….don‘t, under any circumstance, leave his side.
Look, we all know that I take no pleasure in pointing out other peoples flaws, but I’m doing you guys a favor by informing you of Mr. Buynack’s rants. You should consider this a public service announcement; and as usual, it’s just the King Pin looking out for you guys.
As for you PJ; don’t even bother asking people “do I do that? I don’t do that, do I? Because the answer is yes; granted, we all know you probably only mean about half of it, but nonetheless, you do. So Buynack, the next time you’re at a party and you’re thinking that you’re drawing crowds bigger than Liberace, just remember, it’s not because people want to see your act, it’s because people don’t want to be part of your act.
As for you PJ; don’t even bother asking people “do I do that? I don’t do that, do I? Because the answer is yes; granted, we all know you probably only mean about half of it, but nonetheless, you do. So Buynack, the next time you’re at a party and you’re thinking that you’re drawing crowds bigger than Liberace, just remember, it’s not because people want to see your act, it’s because people don’t want to be part of your act.
The almost Widow Tighe, an "over-served"
PJ Buynack, and the King Pin
Now why don’t you get your act together and do what you do best; travel agent shit. So stop talking people out of going on our booze cruise and start threatening to put them in your routine if they don’t go. Remember, they don’t have to be in My Bowling League to join in on the fun; we’ll take anyone,…… but I'd prefer if you looked for hot chicks, not dickhead guys.
Buynack, look for this.....................not this
As for the rest of you, I’ll be back with more valuable information soon, very soon.
Warmly Yours,
Marty Lynch
The King Pin
Warmly Yours,
Marty Lynch
The King Pin
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